There I’d be, their pumpkin coachman with the Johnny Depp glued to my face, passing out business cards. Didn’t get many takers, but I did get some Polaroids of buxom blondes pissing in the alley, steam rising from the pavement. Art!… More

There I’d be, their pumpkin coachman with the Johnny Depp glued to my face, passing out business cards. Didn’t get many takers, but I did get some Polaroids of buxom blondes pissing in the alley, steam rising from the pavement. Art!… More

Rowan tells me he’s here to file a request to contest a restraining order filed by his wife, Ambrosia. “Like the marshmallow salad?” I ask. No, Rowan says, and then he mentions something about immortality and ancient Greek mythology and I snooze on him.… More
“Man” means a set of expectations you inherit like debt with interest that compounds in silence. “Soft” means breach. “Crying” means loss of data, irrecoverable. “Fear” means user error, correct immediately. You scroll. You don’t read. Nobody reads.… More
AC conked out a week ago and the fan’s just blowing hot air around. The City is fucking loud and one asshole won’t stop laying on the horn. Thought I’d be inside you tonight. You said. Waited all summer.… More
The first thing you should do is admit you will never be full Mexican. You will never do this. The second thing you should do is make good on the threat you made to Oscar at lunch the other day and show him your Dad at Fall Festival coming up.… More
She said you could take a hundred-dollar bill, and step on it, and get it all dirty. You could drop it on the ground, and a dog could take a dump on it. But you still wouldn’t throw that Benjamin away. Because it was still worth a hundred dollars.… More
When someone drifts far from shore on a bright yellow or orange float—a shark attractor for sure? The lifeguard tower remains mum. I hold my tongue, too. Not my business.… More
Dad was in Da Nang when I was born, so he wasn’t there pacing, wearing holes in the maternity ward carpeting, making funny faces at the bassinet just beyond his reach. He was loading an M16. He named it after me.… More
Venezuela was bombed. We bombed them, I mean. These things don’t just go and happen. I had the feeling, because of events that happened later, important events to the story, but no more or less important than the bombing, that I bombed them, Venezuela I mean.… More
“Where are our darlings?” we ask, on our knees, patting the ground, groping around in the dark. We’ve eaten your bagels with shmear!… More
Was Paula part of God’s plan? Or were you following your dick’s plan? Either way, one of you is a massive asshole.… More