Bagels

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“Where are our darlings?” we ask, on our knees, patting the ground, groping around in the dark. We’ve eaten your bagels with shmear!More

Magnet

Magnet

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Was Paula part of God’s plan? Or were you following your dick’s plan? Either way, one of you is a massive asshole.More

Joe

Joe

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I see a billboard from the church across the street, and it says God Will Wash Away All Tears, but between the dusty glass and the little girl in the window, the last word is covered, so it reads all scary-like: no tears, no tears, no tears.More

DO NOT CHEW

DO NOT CHEW

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When we both caught the flu (him from his recent trip to Japan, and I from tonguing him for two hours on Sunday night), I found myself on my knees. “Please, Doc,” I said at the clinic, desperate, “Tell us we shouldn’t chew these pills.”More

Peter Pan is a fuckboy

Peter Pan is a fuckboy

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Jug wine never pretends to be something it isn’t, and if you’re drinking it you’re probably past the pretense too. Jug wine is the definition of punk rock.More

You’re Up, Baby!

You’re Up, Baby!

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They’ll find each other in the dairy aisle, and she’ll say, “Oh I was looking for you!” and he’ll go pull out his massive credit card and massive dick and maybe they’ll have sex right there, in front of the probiotic yogurt and alternative butter.More

I Can’t Live Without My Radio

I Can’t Live Without My Radio

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They call me Randall here, a retired accountant. Once I was MC Assassin.More

Something Bad Happened to That Martin Kid

Something Bad Happened to That Martin Kid

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I was old enough to know shit was going on that my folks wanted to hide from me, but young enough not to care. I had my own secrets.More

Did You Hurt Your Head, Sir?

Did You Hurt Your Head, Sir?

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Turning to his patient, and grinning, the paramedic asked: “Perdóneme, un pregunta, Señor: Dañó su cabeza?” (Excuse me, one question, Sir: Did you hurt your head?)More

Bering

Bering

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At six, still raining, sky gray as sand, he walked along the shipyards. Stacks of rusty pots, boats up on stands, messy gravel parking lots. He passed puddles, but none big enough to demand his attention. None could hold a crab, much less a ship.More

The Bull Pen

The Bull Pen

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Big time baseball pitchers pose in mirrors, thinking they’re all sporting fairly large and attractive balls. But baseball is silly. My daddy has a pair of dried-out bull dangles on his truck hitch, and I’m not talking stupid rubber impostors.More