Some things that happened after Derrick woke up his girlfriend at 3 a.m. to watch Too Many Cooks

Some things that happened after Derrick woke up his girlfriend at 3 a.m. to watch Too Many Cooks
  • Derrick (me) felt a little less scared about the future and life in general thanks to a bunch of the little creepy appearances of the killer in the background of Too Many Cooks like when he’s on the stairs in the background of the family photo near the beginning and no one notices he is there


  • She (Kara, girlfriend) asked Derrick what the hell is wrong with him and how can he even watch this shit and what is he doing/why the hell is he even awake right now when they have to be up by six and have everything out of the apartment by noon and just go back to sleep, and etc. Those were some of the things she said but of course she didn’t say anything about the video, which was the one fucking thing he wanted to talk about with her because if all they ever talk about is stupid pointless adult-type shit and nothing fun, then what’s even the point of them being together besides the occasional bang when she feels like it


  • Derrick opened word on his laptop with the idea of writing a Rory Gilmore pro/con list on the usual subject but it was too hard to think of the pros so he started writing whatever this is instead (some kind of stupid journal?)


  • It became clear to Derrick that Kara doesn’t understand him and probably never will but that’s fine because it’s really hard for even Derrick to understand himself and why he does the things he does most of the time like when he was hanging out with Ricky and the guys two nights ago and was trying to tell that great story about that time back in June before he got fired when he was at his parents’ house and the neighbors were having a BBQ next door and the people were eating hot dogs and someone dropped their hot dog and bun and everything into the grass but instead of eating it like every other dog he’d ever seen, the neighbor’s dog gently picked up the hot dog and the bun and everything in his mouth and tried to give it back to the lady who had dropped it, but no one else except Derrick even saw (he was watching from the back deck of his parents’ house) that this funny/beautiful/indescribable moment had even happened, a cool and probably rare thing that might never happen again because what real dog on earth is going to try to give food back to a person instead of just eating it? (no dog that he knows of) but as Derrick was trying to tell this story to Ricky and the rest of the guys no one seemed to be listening to anything he was saying, they were just playing COD and not paying attention, so without thinking Derrick kicked Ricky’s dog as hard as he could for some reason and the loud yelp that the dog let out before running across the floor with its nails scraping on the wood finally got their attention but before Derrick could start telling the story again they all cursed him out and made him leave which was total bullshit because like usual the people he actually wanted to talk to about something weren’t even listening to anything he was saying


  • After this Derrick wondered how it was possible for him to love something or a whole category of things so much while at the same time hating them and himself with every fiber of his being like how he feels right now with dogs and people and everything else


  • The next thing that happened after Too Many Cooks was that Derrick stared at the back of his girlfriend’s head for a while as she laid in bed. For some reason this made him feel like he was going to burst into tears at any moment but then he turned his laptop around so the blue light of the screen shined on her hair which looked really pretty like that and this reminded him of the bad old days during his year at college when he would sit alone in his room on the weekends while everyone else was out doing stuff and he would wish so much that he could just find a girl, any girl, someone who could actually like him and who would play Mario 64 and Perfect Dark and watch Scrubs or Gilmore Girls or anime with him but now that he has one he somehow feels even more alone than ever, which Old Derrick (or should he say Young Derrick) would think is crazy and impossible and maybe it is but still, he does (feel that way)


  • After this Derrick got tired of all this sappy depressed shit so he started to look for a job on Indeed but everything was commercial truck driving and shit jobs in restaurants and it all sounded so hard and like stuff he’d never be able to do for more than a week even if he was qualified (which he wasn’t) so he stopped after about ten mins of searching (it was really more like three, if he’s being honest) and took his laptop into the bathroom and tried to whack it but the first video on the Pornhub homepage was something incredibly gross and so messed up to the point that he does not want to even type the words to describe it here so instead he ended up sitting on the cold toilet and watching Too Many Cooks again


  • And that’s everything that happened

About the Author

Steve Gergley is a writer and runner based in Warwick, New York. His fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in A-Minor, After the Pause, Barren Magazine, Maudlin House, Pithead Chapel, and others. In addition to writing fiction, he has composed and recorded five albums of original music.

Photo by MarLeah Cole on Flickr. No changes made to photo.