Everybody knows assassins always hang out in the dine-in area of the Acme supermarket, between the bakery and the deli case. It’s a good place where nobody bothers anybody, the food is cheap, and all the people who need those sorts of services know just where to find them.
Mom’s doing her weekly grocery shopping, Noah and his younger brother Lucas are tagging along. Not like either of them have a say, so it’s boring, like the supermarket itself is boring; the assassins must drink a lot of coffee so they don’t fall asleep waiting for customers to drop by. Lucas, looking a little distracted, isn’t even complaining too loudly about not getting that box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros.
“Can I go hang out in the magazine section?” Noah asks.
“Okay, just keep an eye on your brother,” Mom says.
Off they go. Noah’s in luck, among all the Cosmopolitans and People We’re All So Proud Of’s this store happens to have the latest National Geographic, and there’s Stonehenge on the cover. He’s already deep into an article on horseshoe crabs when he realizes Lucas is missing.
“You son of a bitch,” he mutters under his breath. There’s all kinds of stupid kid shit Lucas could have kept himself busy with because that’s what they keep next to the magazines, but no, Lucas has to explore. Noah’s just hoping his brother is still in the store, that there’s time to grab him (applying a couple punches in the arm for his transgressions) before Mom finds out what a terrible older brother Noah happens to be.
Noah’s walking quickly, scanning the aisles, keeping one eye out for Mom (who’d notice someone’s missing his younger brother) and another for Lucas (who better not be in the pet store next door if he still wishes to see his ninth birthday). He swings around the deli case when surprise surprise there’s Lucas, sitting in the dine-in section with one of the assassins.
Lucas, seeing his brother, points Noah out, and the assassin waves him over.
“Noah, your brother just offered me one hundred seventeen dollars and forty-seven cents to put a hit on you,” the assassin says. “He says he not only saved up his allowance but also stole money from your mother’s purse, for months, just enough so she wouldn’t notice. Before I decide whether to take the contract or not, can you explain to me why your little brother wishes you dead?”
“Because he’s a prick?” Noah says, more annoyed than sensible.
“You see what I mean!” Lucas says. “He keeps calling me stupid and I’m not stupid. And he never lets me play Xbox, either.”
“That’s because Grandpa got it for me,” Noah points out. “He got you a bike; I don’t see what you have to complain about.”
“And he hits me, all the time.”
“Noah,” the assassin says. “Is that true?” It happens so quickly; the assassin is gripping Noah’s arm. This guy isn’t one of those wannabe assassins who needs a gun or a bomb or poison to kill people. Everyone knows it costs a lot of money, but maybe this guy might be willing to snuff a kid like Noah at a discount because it just wouldn’t be that hard to do.
“I’m sorry,” Noah wails, but not so loud as to draw the attention of anybody who might get them all in trouble. “But he starts it, all the time. And it’s not like he doesn’t hit me either, and do all sorts of things to get me in trouble. He never does his share of the chores, and I’m the one who gets yelled at by Mom.”
Lucas is just about to interrupt, but then Noah decides to really make his case. “I have a lot more money saved up than he does.”
Lucas looks a little green.
“But Jesus, I’d never hire someone to kill him, even if nobody knew and I’d never get caught.”
The assassin lets go of Noah’s arm. “See Lucas,” the assassin says. “Your older brother loves you. You don’t really want me to kill him. You two should work on being better brothers to each other.”
That’s when Mom drops by with the cartload of groceries. “Cheryl,” the assassin calls out. “Look who dropped by!”
“What have you two been up to?” she says. “Why are you in the dine-in section when you said you were going to be in the magazine aisle? And what did I tell you about talking to strangers?”
“Lucas was going to use his allowance money to buy donuts and all sorts of other things not so good for little boys. Noah here was trying to stop him,” the assassin says. “And I was just trying to give a little moral support.”
He gives Mom a wink.
“Noah, Lucas, this is your uncle Tony,” Mom says, pronouncing uncle in such a way as to let them know Tony isn’t actually an uncle, just another one of the grownups in Mom’s life after she and Dad broke up. Dad’s been out of the picture for a while. “Thanks for keeping an eye on the boys,” and with that they head over to the cash registers.
Later, after everyone’s home, after Noah lets Lucas play Minecraft, Noah says, “Don’t you think it’s weird Mom knows one of the assassins?”
The two of them start listing “uncles” they don’t see anymore, wondering where they went. And they haven’t heard from Dad for months, but Mom doesn’t seem upset about it.
It’s kind of clear where at least some of these men went.
“We need to be better,” Noah tells Lucas. “Better grades, do the chores without being asked, no more fighting. You’ve seen Mom snap at us. If we’re not careful, we could be having Uncle Tony walk us to school one day.”
Lucas nods his head like it’s the most obvious thing in the world: be good or else.
Noah gives them about a month.