Sat punched the rock he used as a desk before licking the blood off his hand. “Why? Why don’t we get new members anymore? I’m so… bored… How is that even possible?”
Little D flew across the room to perch on top of the crimson armchair. “I think… It’s their new way of life. The Club has become… obsolete—”
“The Club, obsolete?” His roar bounced on the walls like a gust of anger.
Little D shook his horns. “They do everything online. There’s… little physical interaction.”
Draco’s enormous shape flew in, his shadow playing on the rocky walls, darkening the room further.
“Why is the fire out in here? It’s freezing.” He shivered, his sharp teeth clattering wildly. “Boys, get in here and light that fire!”
A fury of minor demons trotted in and blew on the walls. Sat brought his hands to his eyes, squinting at the sudden light.
“So, Draco, any news?”
“No. Nothing.” The dragon, still trembling, bent his head, would not meet his boss’s eyes.
Sat grabbed his cape and stomped towards the door. “That’s it. I’m going up.”
Draco took a step forward. “I’m coming with.”
Little D nodded, jumping on his boss’s shoulder.
Sat shook his head and brushed off the little fiend. “You’re both staying put. I’m going alone.”
Sat reached the entrance and pressed his hand on the wall. It vibrated, creating a deep grumble followed by an earthquake. The boulder moved, sudden light illuminating the cave. He put on his sunglasses and walked out, whistling.
It was a lovely Spring day. The birds, rats, cockroaches, and ants were first to welcome him back, followed by the trees, bushes, flowers, and weeds flooding the tired asphalt. He smiled, took a deep breath, and strolled towards the main street.
The city is greener than I remembered, I’ve been away too long.
A patch of chamomile waved their petals as he passed. The stench of the blossoms made him gag. A couple walked by; a cat on his hind legs, wearing a suit, talking to a leather-clad labrador. The feline offered his companion a sip of iced tea. They greeted Sat with respect and moved on whispering.
There were bears, wolves, horses, and goats trudging the streets ahead of him. He studied the tall buildings covered with moss, plants, a wall of greenery shaking its leaves at passersby. On the pavements, dark silhouettes bent over their raised hands, bumping into each other, a fun fair of human bumper cars. No one greeted him.
Sat paused, brows knitted, before walking to a young woman; a statuesque, immobile shape in front of a wisteria-covered building. She was focused on her mobile phone. He approached and stood, facing her. She did not react. He waved. Nothing.
“Hello there, Gorgeous…”
He stared at her face and gasped. Her eyes were coming out of their orbits, melted pupils, an ocean of emptiness. Her mouth was sealed into one unique lip. Her ears had grown over the earpieces, a thin layer of translucent skin barely letting the red plastic show. He touched her arm. She jumped and fled, a soundless escape.
“What on earth?”
Sat rushed from one person to the next. No one saw him. No one heard him. No one talked to him.
He accosted a laughing seagull posted on a bent traffic light. “What happened to people? Why can’t they see or hear?”
“Virtual reality, Sat. They got lost, then evolution did its thing.”
“Don’t get me started on evolution… How can I reach them?”
“Social media.”
“How do I do that?’
“Go to that shop, over there, at the corner, get yourself online. It’s not cheap, mind you, it costs three life-years… but that’s not a problem for you, I guess.”
Sat paused. “Wait, where are the children?”
“There are no children; humans don’t mate anymore.”
Sat’s face blanched. He sprinted to the shop. It was dilapidated, empty, the mouldy fragrance comforting. Large vending machines covered the walls. There were openings for the hands on either side of the screen. On top of the right hole was written “Left-handed,” on top of the left, “right-handed.” He placed his right palm inside and waited.
The screen came to life.
Hello!
He pressed to create an account.
Error.
The system could not read your chip.
Please remove and insert your hand again.
He removed his hand and replaced it carefully into the slot provided. An alarm broke the silence.
Error.
The system could not read your chip.
Sat dashed out, looking left and right for someone, something to talk to. A rabbit hopped in the middle of the street.
“Hey, Bunny!”
“Hi, Sat. What brings you here?”
“What’s with the chip thing?”
“Humans need it to enter the virtual world.”
“Is there no way around it?”
“Not that I know of. You should ask… Hey, Fox, come here a sec, will you?”
“Hi, lovely day, isn’t it? What can I help you with?”
“Sat would like to get into the virtual world without a chip.”
The fox turned an amused gaze towards Sat. “Is that so?”
Sat glared at him. “Well, is it possible?”
“It is. Bye, Buns, see you later. Come on, Sat, it’s this way.”
Sat jogged next to the trotting fox to the other side of town. They entered an abandoned building.
The animal pointed towards the back. “In there.”
Sat pushed the heavy steel-framed door and peeked inside. There were squirrels everywhere, tools in their tiny fingers, fixing computers, HIFIs, TVs, and mobile phones, chatting happily, head nodding alongside the classic rock music playing in the background.
Their little eyes all turned towards him. “Hi, Sat!”
“Hi. I was told to come here to access virtual reality.”
A ginger squirrel jumped to the back shelves, unplugged a phone, and scurried back to the door.
“Here, it’s all set up. The old ones don’t need chips. Just remember not to log off and don’t let it die. Here’s the charger.”
Sat nodded and left. He strolled around town until he came across a deserted park, sat down on a broken bench, and switched the machine on. It took a while before the screen finally lit up.
Welcome back Anonymous.
What do you want to do today?
Social media Virtual news Virtual love
Virtual work Virtual holiday Virtual hobbies
Virtual food Virtual health Virtual afterlife
He spent three days browsing through virtual insanity.
Finally, he looked up, his face grey. In the mid-afternoon sun, there were many visitors in the park, dressed up in their best. The animals strolled, picnicked, and played ball. There were no humans.
Sat scratched his stubble beard, rubbed his sore eyes, exhaled loudly, and, finally, pressed Virtual afterlife.
Welcome to ALL IS FORGIVEN™—the official Angelic Community app.
Prepare your next move, apply for the residency program in Paradise!
Please read and agree to our Terms & Privacy Policy before downloading.
I agree to the Terms & Privacy Policy
Ready to get started?
Enter your email address:
sat@hell.com
Would you like to confirm your email for us while we finish installing the app on your device?
Enter the code sent to your email:
666
Please fill out the following registration form:
Full Name: Satan Lucifer Beelzebub Iblis Mastema
Username: Sat
Password: 4Horsemen
Retype password: 4Horsemen
Date of birth: N/A
Place of birth: Paradise
Current address: Hell
Country: N/A
Chosen gender: Neutral
Preferred pronouns: They/them
Religious Beliefs: Satanism
Main sins (if relevant):
Gave Eve an apple
Lied
Tempted humans to sin
Entity—Deity, angel, human, or animal—you wish to meet again (if relevant):
Eve Relationship status: Old friend
Adam Relationship status: Old friend
Jesus Relationship status: Old friend
Entity—Deity, angel, human, or animal—you do not wish to meet again (if relevant):
God Relationship status: Old Boss
N/A Relationship status: N/A
N/A Relationship status: N/AReincarnation preferences (if relevant):
Snake
Cat
Apple tree
Please write a short comment (280 character limit) about your decision to apply for the residency program in Paradise.
I ruled the underworld for too long. I am bored, & wish to come home, retire.
There is little for me to do; it’s hell on earth & I had nothing to do with it. I blame God (He was never a good boss) for failing humanity. Yes, I know the rules: I forgive him. Can I please come home?
Do you wish to subscribe to our monthly Angelic newsletter: Newslater?
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No
Thank you for taking the time to fill out the form. Please verify the information you provided is correct before pressing Enter.
Sat double-checked his answers, nodding as he read. His index claw reached for the screen, ready to press “enter,” when a single beep chimed. The phone buzzed and died.
