BULLshot: Michael Christian

BULLshot: Michael Christian

JH: Target, K Mart, WalMart, and your own write-in – please give each
your honest assessment.

MC: Target is kind of identity-less for me. It’s less depressing than
K-Mart, less extensive than WalMart. I would recommend only entering a
Target store if they offered an especially attractive pre-order bonus
on the next triple-A videogame release. K-Mart’s only saving grace is
that they served Slush Puppy brand red slush drinks near the entrance,
or at least the one in my hometown did. Not that Slush Puppy brand red
slush drinks are particularly good or even as good as a 7-11 Slurpee,
but as kids my sisters and I would pressure our mom into buying them
for us. WalMart is just madness. Now that I live in Texas, I find
myself at a WalMart probably once every two weeks, or whenever I need
a few random items like silicone caulk and shaving cream and I don’t
feel like investigating which stores would carry these items
separately. WalMart has everything, including a pretty serious
food/grocery section. Avoid the frozen food aisle if you’re a young
single male, though. The sight of a half dozen other, slightly older,
single males wandering through the blue-white glow of the LED-lined
freezers, each one debating whether to buy the frozen pizza that comes
with a side order of boneless buffalo WYNGZ (actual spelling on box)
or the one with break ‘n bake cookies in the same box is enough to
send you into a tailspin of self-loathing.

But as dreadful as these places are, the big-box pet store PetSmart
reigns supreme as saddest location to kill an afternoon in. I stumbled
into a PetSmart the other weekend, hungover and looking for a litter
box scooper. Avoid making eye-contact with the enthusiastic dog owners
in cargo shorts carrying 20lb bags of dry food over their shoulders;
the tobacco-faded cat owners piling cans of turkey and cheese (!?) cat
food into their baskets; and, most importantly, the cats and dogs
sitting behind glass walls, sporting expressions rarely seen by
American eyes since the Seventh US Army liberated Dachau. But
seriously, it’s sad in there. There should be a doctor standing at the
entrance reciting the possible side effects of the drug Chantix. Some
people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed
mood, and suicidal thoughts or actions while shopping at PetSmart. If
you notice any or all of these changes in mood or behavior, please
stop shopping at PetSmart and go rescue a pitbull from a shelter.


About the Author

Jarrett Haley is the editor of BULL.