Dear Suburban Survivor and Interested Parties,
We regret to inform you that the Hotel De Loft, around the corner from the mural no one painted with love and an old orange cat with three legs, the one you booked to rekindle your passion for life and good wine, has permanently closed itself to desperation. A recent onslaught of uninspired poets have come and stripped the place of all character and charm, peeling the wallpaper for bookmarks and chiseling their names to solidify themselves in something that will outlive them. Unfortunately, this recent vandalism has turned management against inviting guests who have renounced themselves to melancholy, and that does, in fact, include you and your family.
The Hotel De Loft’s mission statement emphasizes luxury and healing at our secluded island resort. The nine-story accommodation speaks to our exclusive patron roster, and to find one among the selected few for this all-inclusive experience is a rare accomplishment even among the most privileged of society’s elite. Your application specifically mentioned working with our reknown Esteem Team and our Rediscovering Appreciation workshops, both of which are signs that your ambitions to recreate yourself with outside aid lends towards a particular longing we are not prepared to fulfill at this time.
Your title of Suburban Survivor was our first clue that our attitudes towards service were not aligned. In our personalized service section, we ask you describe yourself a short archetype that we can easily identify utilizing our spinning wheels, an adjective and noun, for our in-house psychologists to analyze and allow us to anticipate your needs. Per our calculations, Suburban Survivor implies a deep-rooted resentment for a life you chose, a discomfort in spontaneity that may manifest in unhealthy reading habits and daydreamed affairs enacted in grocery store queues. Your lipstick may be smudge-proof to prevent inconveniencing anyone who might wash your napkin and your eyes may linger longingly on the waiter standing beside you, uninterested in granting you the approval you seek. We do not hope to understand what you are a Survivor of, a strength we at Hotel De Loft unanimously admire, but it also does not sway our assessment listed above.
The titles applied to your fellow travelers also produced wariness among our staff. Good Businessman is a statistically unlikely pairing of words. We anticipate expensive whisky orders and medium-rare steaks, not because he likes them that way but because he knows that it is widely considered the correct way to order any cut. These are not immediate rejections as we are happy to accommodate many talents, social battlefields, and egos. However, we also anticipate loud business calls by our Himalayan sea salt pool and will not tolerate such disruption to other paying guests. Also, the pair of Angels, one Artistic and one Energetic, sparked nervousness with our In-House Childcare Specialists: children described as angelic are rarely so in the hands of others, and we cannot trust angelic children with child-safe organic paints and clean walls.
We understand that you may be disappointed by this news. The selection process for this transformative experience is extensive and subjective. While we cannot explain the full process, we have provided you with our deductive reasoning above in order to satiate your deep-rooted desire for understanding what you did wrong (almost specifically so). You did not do anything wrong. There is nothing more you can change to appease us, and there is nothing more we can share with you in order to convince you otherwise. It is our responsibility to ensure that all guests understand that our facilities are intended for pure luxurious relaxation and not for repairing hidden wounds. Perhaps we are doing you a favor by allowing you to achieve the same outcome of returning home the same, to the same two-story development house with the leaning white fence and foundational cracks, after your vacation from your problems back to them with your money intact to fund the ramifications.
Your deposit, as you mentioned being the sum of your life savings, will be returned to you in full, minus the mandatory reprocessing and inconvenience fees, in ten to twelve business days. However, if you’d prefer to transfer your stay to one of our sister locations, a representative would be more than happy to do so during business hours. We duly hope that the return of your funds allows you to pursue an alternative form of soul-searching therapy backdropped in pale white beaches and cocktails with pineapples. And from all of us at the Hotel De Loft, please be well.
All of us alive deserve to recharge and heal ourselves, even the most pitifully underprepared and willing.
