This was the last night I was ever going to see them. They didn’t know. We walked out onto the field, the air was crisp, clean.

I had been trying to figure out a way to break it to them, to tell them that I had infiltrated their clan on purpose. I was a lie; here to study them, and report back. That I had an entire team of experts ready to analyse all data sent back. That I also had an acclimatization team that provided me with all the tools to just slide into their lives. Jesse loved wrestling, and he was a natural leader. Mark looked up to Jesse, because he took charge of things. When Mark’s father left, Jesse had heard about it, tossed him a twenty across the cafeteria rolled into a little ball with the words—he fucking sucks move on. Mark played the trumpet but I found that way too difficult to master and figured if I got in with Jesse, I’d be in with Mark. Mark needed approval.

There was Rachel too. I was told the infiltration analyst was fired because the information I received was that the birthmark on Rachel’s arm was something she hid often by holding her hand over it, and she did so because she was ashamed of it. But when I blurted out “cool birthmark,” she rolled her eyes and asked, “Jesse tell you to say that? Tell that dumbass that I like it now and it looks like Finland and Finland looks like a rabbit and I love rabbits so suck it.” The infiltration team did not tell me anything about Finland or rabbits.

I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t break it to my friends. Where I’m from we have a word for the way the body reacts and closes up and doesn’t open up again when it receives disagreeable news. It’s hard to tell if they have a word for that here because it’s something we avoid at all cost and I see it happening here everyday. I decided it was best not to tell them.

Rachel invited me over a few weeks after initial contact. Her mother made Guinness stew. She spoke about Jesse and Mark and showed me her three yellow canaries she kept in a great big cage in the living room. She hung bed sheets over the windows and let them fly around. As they circled us, her gaze was heavy on me, almost concerned, that face one makes when one is deeply concentrating. It was as if she was testing me, looking for a buried truth or revelation.

This was before that kid Shaun. The acclimatization team weren’t tasked with providing me details on any Shaun or else I could have tried to intervene earlier, maybe get him some help. I would have known that for Shaun, his bad days were really bad.

Where I’m from, a lockdown is a training exercise. I wasn’t prepared for what was going to happen. We have our own defensive weapons, but they are only meant for our enemies, not fellow trainees.

The alarm rang out and the teachers moved quickly. They were well practiced. We were told to stay out of the line of sight and away from the door. Three girls cried together. Another boy nervously checked his phone.

Shaun’s voice shrieked as he stalked beyond the locked door, his voice was animalistic, his words barely discernible. There was another voice there too, a calmer one, one that trembled but did not raise. Rachel’s.

I moved to get a better look at what was happening. To see beyond our classroom door. Rachel didn’t know that for me it could have been simple. If I had been close enough, with a clear line of sight, I could have locked eyes with Shaun and he would have dropped the knife. But Rachel stood between Shaun and the door, a soft-spoken barrier. She tried to diffuse him but failed. We didn’t see what happened. Shaun just got louder, there was a crash, and Rachel let out the smallest whimper.

When I reached her, she was in and out, asking me if Shaun was OK. The knife lodged firmly into her shoulder, a slow stream of blood making its way down the hallway. Shaun had backed up, his rage now subdued, his words jumbled, but softer. I locked eyes with him, considered blinking four times to make his body go stiff. But his look was that of the wounded, not violent, horrified at the result of his actions. Wounded.

Jesse lifted Rachel into his car. Mark followed quickly with her things. We ignored the teacher’s wishes to wait for the authorities, the proper protocol. They were late and Rachel was unconscious now. “There’s time to do the proper things later,” Mark shouted, his voice cutting through the thick air.

I would choose to not tell them. I just watched as the hospital visits increased with time. I reported everything I saw. But I felt like I was taking in something other than data. A feeling came over me, similar to the one I saw on Shaun’s face after he dropped the knife. Back in the field, with the help of my infiltration team, maybe I could give something in return. I told Jesse his little sister needs guidance because one day when she will ask for help, he will have to drop everything to support her because that big brain of hers will change the world. His won’t. He will have to accept this.

I told Mark his father never blamed him. For Rachel. I didn’t need intel. I told her I loved her. And what a strange feeling that was. The hardest thing I’ll have to do on this earth is float above it, watching her and her beautiful world get smaller.

The field lights turned off and my people were here for me.