All that winter my apartment was a rocking boat. I decided to slip notes underneath the doors of my disputing neighbours. I let them all know, anonymously, whose sides I was on. My choices were random, but I felt like taking some sort of an action. Later that night I answered loud knocking on my door. A big man with tattoos up his neck and a shaved head stood next to a slender young woman with frizzy hair and gentle blue eyes.

“Why did you take his side?” she asked, shaking her head in disgust.

I shrugged.

“Come over for a beer,” he said.

We sat down in their dark, smoky apartment. A video game left on pause was our fireplace. The beer was nonexistent. She began first.

“He’s always going out with his buddies at night, spending too much money. He sold the car—it was my car! The only time he’s around here is when his children from his last marriage come over or when he’s jamming with his buddies. Urine on the toilet seat—every day!”

“You know, I’m not really a counsellor,” I said.

“Urine on the toilet seat! That’s as good as it gets. I’m a wise man.”

“I don’t really like the late-night jam sessions either,” I said.

“I’ve never had a noise complaint,” he said, defensively.

“I complained to the caretaker but gave up,” I said.

“Why don’t you just knock on my door?” he asked with an ironic smile.

“Paranoia,” I said.

“I’ve seen him talking to people who aren’t there—he’s crazy,” she said.

“Why do you want my help then?” I asked.

“We need someone with a distorted view of reality to help us with our relationship,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“What about my side?” he asked. “I work all day and have certain relationship privileges.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Yep,” he said.

“You got to cut out the late-night jam sessions… you should spend time with your wife instead. Oh yeah, and stand close—it’s farther than you think!”

Silence.

I returned to my apartment. It wasn’t long until something crashed against my wall and they resumed their fight. I decided to leave. I trudged through the snow to a nearby theatre. I bought my ticket and waited. I hadn’t had the presence of mind to bring a book so I stared into nothingness like a criminal. Someone kept kicking the back of my seat through the stupid movie and I couldn’t convince myself it was because of the cramped seats.