“Rachel, I don’t think we should bring Pico on our trip—is he even house-trained?”

Todd stared at his long-term girlfriend and her four-legged sidekick as they began their summer road trip.

“Oh, that doesn’t matter. Todd, you fuss too much over the details!” said Rachel.

“That’s what those cleaning fees are for!” She continued, and clasped her hands, calling to her furry child. “Come here, precious!”

Pico jumped right into the car as Todd’s eyes bulged further.

“Cleaning fees?” Todd retorted. “Rachel, those are for normal wear and tear.” His mind envisioned the hotel managers with black lights finding nitrates on the carpet, or worse. Before he could protest further, Mom and the dog piled into the seats.

“Against my better judgment, OK.” Todd sighed.

The trio began on Arizona’s I-10 at Rachel’s larger-than-life velocity. Todd broached the subject again.

“Rachel, I know Pico is family, but—”

“Todd,” interrupted Rachel, “You and I both know as transgender people that we are resourceful. These people are banning us from going to the bathroom, and yet we still survive! If we’re banned from going to the bathroom and endure you and I can bear a hotel with a canine. Have faith” Rachel said, “I read the fine print.”

“Fine print?” asked Todd.

“Well, did you read it?” Rhetorically, Rachel continued: “I read it and there’s a clause about ‘life events.’”

“Rachel,” he said plainly.

“Do you know what a life event is? It seems that nobody really knows. But there’s a section that says if you’re having a ‘life event,’ you are not responsible for the cleaning fees.”

“Okay, I’m searching ‘life event,’” Todd said, scanning his phone’s screen: “An event where a person experiences a crisis, or alternatively, a life-changing event. How does a bladder malfunction equate to a life event?”

“Have faith, Todd! Now what was our exit again?” Rachel zoomed forward and flung Todd to the back of his seat.

Eventually, they arrived at their hotel room. Rachel hastily parked the car.

Todd, exhausted from holding onto his seat as they drove at warp-speed levels, was slowly unloading the car into the room when he heard a “Come here, precious!” A blur of black and white bounded past him into their room. Pico ran chaotically throughout the building.

“Sweetheart, are you sure we should keep him inside?” Todd asked.

Rachel shrugged. “He’s got a right to let out some steam, doesn’t he?”

Todd froze as he heard a stream of liquid.

“Pico!” Todd raced into the bedroom. “Oh God, Rachel! He’s letting out something all right—did you bring a cleaner?”

“Todd, don’t worry about it! People commit crimes in hotel rooms all the time and nobody ever notices. You think they’re going to notice a little twinkle from a poor puppy who just spent 8 hours in a car? These corporations are dripping with money!”

Pico leaped towards her human mother. Todd relented.

The next afternoon, Todd returned to the hotel room with Rachel.

“Rachel!” He yelled, upon entering the room.

“Just a second, I’m taking the most exquisite photo of these succulent plants in the hallway.”

“No, you’ve got to come here now! Look at this place! Pico!”

Todd entered their doorway to a room full of urine and feces smeared everywhere.

Rachel entered, saw Pico, and bent down: “Hello, precious!”

“No, not precious, bad dog!” yelled Todd holding his shirt over his face to cover the smell.

Rachel up her hand. “Todd, don’t you dare. Pico is precious. Honey, don’t let angry Todd get you down.”

“Rachel, what can we do?”

“Have faith! I’ll show you how it’s done.”

Rachel looked at herself in the mirror, adjusted her hair and clothes, and marched out their hotel door to the front desk.

Todd apprehensively followed.

She rang the doorbell to the front desk. As the clerk approached the front desk, Rachel began moaning.

“Ahhhh! Ma’am, I am unwell, I am having a life event!” Todd’s heart stopped as he watched Rachel have a melt-down in a stranger’s presence.

“Oh goodness”, the elderly woman behind the desk put her hands to her face. “Are you OK?”

Rachel shook her head, “Lord no, I am having a life event!”

The clerk put her hands farther to her mouth. “Honey, what is a life event?”

“Oh, a life event! I am unwell, Todd, get the car!” Todd, as if on command, began rapidly to run down the hallway and pack their things.

“Ma’am I apologize deeply,” continued Rachel, “I am having a life event! We are going to need to leave, please know we are moved by your kindness and understanding of the situation in our hotel room!” Rachel took a breath and pause, before shrieking out again,

“Todd!” Rachel and Todd ran down to the car and opened the door followed by Pico’s scraggly claws clicking against the smooth hotel tile. Pico and Rachel plunged into the front seat and Todd started driving like he had just escaped a zoo.

He looked back at Rachel, looked at the road, “Oh my God, I can’t believe we just did that!”

Rachel’s laughter echoed into the car all the way home and she looked at Pico, “Daddy doesn’t know but everything’s going to be fine. Daddy worries too much.”

Todd sighed and relented again.

The manager of the hotel, a few days later, had a card posted in the mail expressing her condolences to Rachel for her recent “life event.”

“Oh, what a blessed woman, Todd”, Rachel said, as she began to read aloud: “‘Rachel, I did not know what a life event was until I entered your room. I am now aware of the phenomenon. May the Lord bless you and keep you always. – Mary.’”

“Hallelujah, Mary, for people like you,” Rachel said. “See, Todd? “I’ve now lived to see the day that a righteous Christian blesses a trans person. It’s a life event!”

– Santa Barbara, May 31, 2024.