Neighbor’s dog was sniffing in my yard today & after a quick transvestigation, it was obvious she used to be a man, so I re-tie the belt on my robe, mutter a quick prayer to the twin towers just like they taught me at school and clean jerk deadlift some landscaping rock, thinking I could Cain & Abel this before it gets out of hand. I mean, shit man, I have kids.
Today I woke up and saw Matilda sniffing around the property line. We’ve lost about 100 sqft so far because chud next door keeps moving the rebar, but today I’m seeing him eyefucking her while double-wielding a rock and hot coffee. Transphobia’s like a religion for this guy, second only to property encroachment, and Matilda used to be Samwise but got redubbed after her orchi. (The vet said we didn’t have to and then deadnamed her, and I said “Fuck off, man” and handed him a copy of Dorley Hall.) Anyway, so he’s coming out hot, meanwhile I’m like Really? You’re telling me I have to get to a dog clobbering before I take my gabapentin? cause it’s barely six but Matilda’s real engrossed in this little pile of deer turds and doesn’t see him coming. I yell out HERE GIRL and see neighbor-guy’s eyes light up, ’cause it’s like I confirmed something for him & the mug gets tossed, both hands on the rock now, going up high, & I’m running. Then POP a shot rings out and me, neighbor, & ’tilda all swing our heads around like prairie dogs or something.
So I’m driving through this neighborhood and it’s one of those big rural ones where everybody’s yard is like an acre that looks like shit and has two RVs and the husk of an 01 Dodge Neon in it, but they’re all still giving each other the stink eye ‘cause it’s not far enough apart, they just couldn’t afford more, y’know? And Amazon HQ says we’re not suppose to know what we’re deliverin’ cause laws and all but I know a fellow patriot when I see one and these are Crushed Bald Eagle Beaks, “America gets you GOING” snortable male enhancement and am I am male? Not exactly, no, because I believe biology is REAL so I can’t be a man even if it’s kinda fun when everybody thinks I am, so I pop every boner pill online or at the truck stop and my beard is coming in nice and I love my country and I’m horny as fuck and I need to protect my wife from crisis actors coming in with Remington Arms Bushmaster Adaptive Combat Rifles or Kalishnikov Concern AK-204s which is why I open carry my own B3 Wingman high powered revolver from Titanfall 2 that I printed in red white and blue filament. Anyway I’m delivering the eagle beaks from infowars and see some crisis actor with a rock about to false flag this transvestite canine globalist so thud the beaks are in the mud fast as hell, & I pull out my B3 Wingman high powered revolver from Titanfall 2 that I printed in red white and blue filament and let one off, but I miss the first shot and now they’re all looking at me so I yell out AMERICA FIRST, BITCHES and the cowards go for their houses but not before the rock slips and knocks out the crisis actor and the other two run into a house across the yard but this is my goddamn moment and I’m not stopping til we’re all dead, sweetheart.
I was doing yoga on my back porch around six like usual when I hear a bark from a sweet little doggie and so I look up across the valley where some, um, low-income individuals have their manufactured homes, if you will and I swear to Jesus this underprivileged man has a rock
and he’s about to hit the sweet doggie! So I do what I’d like to think I do best and go HEY SIRI CALL NINE ONE ONE and then there’s a gunshot of all things and this Amazon, um,
essential worker is holding something that looks like a squirt gun, and I don’t judge, because maybe it’s got loud fireworks in it, but he’s got a beard like one of those diverse individuals of another faith and I don’t trust this isn’t religiously-motivated terrorism. So when they say This is 9-1-1 what is your emergency I yell God almighty it’s a muslim terrorist in the trailers out back of hole eight at White Lake. And the woman on the line says Oh I’ve heard it’s beautiful out there! And so naturally I say, Well, yes, it’s just adorable! My husband and I bought some property out here, and well, we’ve worked really hard and saved money, so I think we’re allowed to have a nice place, and I’m not much of a golfer, but I always liked being around it, you know? Just that nice golf feeling?
Okay, so I get a call on the damn radio and they say ISIS is out there on county road 5 shooting up the trailer park or something and I almost drop the damn crank in my lap, but I catch it last second, right? Close call. I yell in the radio Fuck Jim, you almost made me drop my meth
and he laughs. I say this shit constantly and I still don’t know if he thinks I’m joking. Well, do they have a bomb? I ask and he says Fucked if I know and so I take a big hit and peel out straight into this Subaru and pretty much take its whole front bumper off, fucking funny as hell. County road 5 is great because I can get my Cop Truck up to like 110 before I have to brake, but this time I brake early so I can turn into bumfuck estates, home of the most pathetic white people I’ve ever fucking seen, aside from my kid haha. When I get there I immediately see the terrorist, and he’s holding this revolver that looks like the damn french flag, and I’m not surprised those cucks are funding the muslims now. He runs away pretty much the second he sees my truck, so much for that. There’s a guy on the ground, who looks to have been beaten with a rock. I ring the bell next door and immediately a transvestite attack dog runs up, I shoot it. Resident starts yelling at me it’s against the law to shoot a poor puppy and I say “Bitch I am the law,” and laugh because it’s fucking hilarious every time and she’s burbling wah wah and that’s when I realize she’s one of those trans perverts, and clearly in on the whole thing, so I cuff her, and as I’m walking her out to the car POP I hear a shot and I go to turn until I realize I’ve been hit in the neck, and I start falling. Tranny runs away, terrorist shoots himself and I’m going down. Wish I’d taken another hit off the pipe first, probably could’ve walked this off.
Most. Fucked. Day. Ever. I get in my car and max out my emergency credit card buying a plane ticket under the only legal name I’ve still got a passport for, like the fifth of ten, ‘cause there’s this trans commune in Spain that’s got people I can green card marry and a force femme torture basement, Dorley-style, and when I get there I swear I’m going to DBT my brain into mush. Fuckin DEARMAN, Wise Mind, Opposite Action, TIP myself into a cinnamon-scented puddle. So that’s where my brain is at, just thinking, like, I’m going to be a walking index of weirdly-branded emotional tools, but it’s not til I get on the plane that I realize, shit, I’m probably an international fugitive. But that’s sexy, right?
