Because of the tumor we had to leave our sister Angela behind on our trip to Disney last summer. It was sad because it was on her birthday too, but by then she was too sick to even get out of bed, and plus the charity gave us all free tickets and they had an expiration date. So we had Grandma come stay and watch Angela for a few days. Grandma had her own brush with death a few years ago when an escaped schizophrenic broke into her house. He had her tied up on the couch for three days while he explained how the color orange was plotting to kill him. Thankfully she was able to free her hand and jabbed him in the throat with the ceramic ashtray I made her for Christmas. “Good thing it had all those sharp edges,” she said to me after.
That weekend at Disney was the most fun I’d ever had. With our passes we were able to skip all the lines, like those wheelchair kids. It was great. But back home things weren’t so. I guess Grandma missed the hurricane warning until after the power went out. That explains why she couldn’t call us on the landline. And since she was eighty she didn’t know how to use her smartphone either. Mom cheaped out again and got her a Samsung Galaxy instead of an iPhone. So once the lights went out Grandma thought it’d be smart to leave the house and check the breaker, which was when the flood dragged her away.
Poor Angela was so doped out on meds that she didn’t probably didn’t even notice the downstairs filling up with water. And because there was no car in the driveway the neighbors didn’t bother to check if anyone was home. Luckily the foundation was strong and the house wasn’t going anywhere. But then the roof flew off once the winds picked up and flung Angela across the sky. I imagine it was like The Wizard of Oz, her favorite movie. By the time we returned they found her stuck in a tree all the way in a different county! But then at the hospital something amazing happened: Her tumor disappeared! We were so happy. We couldn’t wait for her to come out of her coma.
News broke out about Angela’s miraculous survival. For the next few months we were getting all these letters and presents in the mail. It was mostly things like fancy soaps and imported olive oil, which we started throwing straight in the trash. I mean how many sandalwood scented candles does someone need? Then one day a Hollywood producer named Mick Rosenberg came knocking on our door. He had heard about “the Unconscious Squirrel Girl” (which was what the internet was calling her) and wanted to make a film based on her life. Of course Angela couldn’t do it. I mean what kind of person would want to play themselves? So instead I was chosen for the lead. Everyone agreed I looked like Angela, except skinnier and with clearer skin, so it made perfect sense.
The studio flew me out to California and put me up in a house in Venice. They even paid to bring Angela along! That way I could keep her around anytime I forgot how to look all pale and vegetable-like. The studio hired a caretaker named Raymond to wheel her around wherever we were filming. His fingers were fused together after a welding accident and looked like claws. Because of that the studio was able to pay him less. How practical!
Playing Angela was super easy. I was always really good at singing and acting, while she was good at other stuff, like eating. We covered all her big life moments: Mom’s cesarian. The scabies thing. The time we accidentally left her at the Grand Canyon and that weird Mormon family took her home. The only truly difficult part was the scene where she gets her tumor diagnosis. It required a lot of crying, and I remember how ugly she looked doing it.
While we waited for the film to come out something incredible happened: Angela and Raymond started dating! He seemed a stand-up guy. He promised they wouldn’t kiss or anything until Angela came out of her coma. He said he possessed low-level ESP and could communicate with her telepathically. He told me how grateful she was to have me as a sister. I was so happy to hear that! I figured by now she didn’t blame me for hooking up with her boyfriend Kevin Kwon in junior year. Aren’t siblings supposed to share?
At the premier of the film I went with Jacob Elordi of Euphoria, who originally mistook me for Sydney Sweeney because we have the same bust size. I got to walk the red carpet and talk to famous Hollywood journalists. It felt great to finally be seen for myself. The only annoying part was how everyone asked me where Angela was. I mean it’s not like she was even in the movie. And she was still in a coma. What did they want to do? Poke her with a stick?
The film started and we all took in our seats. For the next three and a half hours the entire audience was captivated. Anna-Taylor Joy absolutely nailed it playing me. The credits rolled and we had a standing ovation for what felt like forever. Then during the Q&A portion some guy from LA Times pointed out that nobody had seen Angela in three days. We checked the house where Raymond was supposed to be watching her but they were both missing. That was when we called the police and learned Raymond was actually a serial killer who kidnapped and murdered women so he could turn their bones into a makeshift crab suit. And you think you know someone!
For the next week Angela made the news again: “Unconscious Squirrel Girl Abducted by Cannibal Crab Man.” The police led a manhunt for them. Every private investigator and bounty hunter was called in. Even Mom and Dad flew out to help with the search. A reality TV crew followed us around for a Netflix show. It was an exciting time! Who says rescues can’t be fun? Then after three weeks they found Angela wandering around in Joshua Tree wearing only a garbage bag and missing half her scalp! Apparently right as Raymond was going to gut her with a rusty set of surgical tools she came out of her coma and made a break for it. But when the police went to Raymond’s desert hideout he wasn’t there! Oh well. That’s a story for another day.
When Angela and I finally returned home there was a huge celebration for both of us. Everyone was so impressed by what we’d gone through, even though I basically did everything. After graduation we both got accepted to big Ivy League colleges. Angela decided she just wants to stay in her room for the rest of her life. It’ll be good for her to keep Mom and Dad company while I’m away in Milan studying art history. I expected her to cry at my going-away party, but instead she just sat in the corner and didn’t talk to anybody. Well I guess that’s her idea of fun.
Everyday in Italy I get stopped on the street by people thinking I’m the real Angela. I get free tickets to museums and hunky Italian boys drive me around on mopeds to expensive cafes. Hopefully someday Angela will get over her fear that Raymond will try to dismember her again and come visit me. I can’t wait for the adventures for us ahead!!
