7.5. Undergarments (Mandatory)

from Department of the Air Force Instruction 36-2903

7.5.2.  Females. Also known, culturally, as women.  Appropriate undergarments are required to be worn with all uniform combinations. How do we define appropriate? You show us yours and we’ll know it when we see it. But, seriously, don’t show us yours.  Wear bra and underpants with all uniforms. Or be sure we can’t tell that you’re not wearing bra and underpants. Since we require that they remain hidden, we also can’t know if you’re wearing them. We won’t stop you from wearing lacy bras, a whiff of sexuality hinted through the thin-not-quite-opaque Air Force light blue shirt in that way designed to distract and lure your male counterparts (also known, culturally, as men) who can’t be trusted not to notice so it’s up to you to regulate yourselves.

We hope (desperately, in fact) that you:

1. Don’t regulate yourselves. Delicious.

2. Ahem, wait, what we mean is we hope that you:

a. Don’t want your bra to quite “show through” the light blue uniform blouse,

or

b. Don’t think about wearing purple or red bras signaling their presence under the shirt. Come on, we must tell you to wear undergarments. Surely, we don’t have to spell it all out?

c. Don’t realize that we’ll still reprimand you for bad choices that aren’t outlined in this instruction under our catchall: Commander’s discretion may be used to determine if individual’s personal grooming is within standards of this instruction.

Because some of you asked for this, though many of us don’t know why, [w]ear of the white V-neck style or athletic tank top undershirt when wearing open collared service uniforms is authorized.  Females may wear the white V-neck, athletic tank top or crew-neck style undershirt when wearing closed collar formal dress, mess dress, semi-formal dress, service dress and service uniforms.  Undershirt will be tucked into slacks or skirt.  Undershirts will not have pockets.

These instructions must be followed.

Except, we hope when in some dark corner defined in levels of privacy from a closet to a porta-potty in a not-too-dangerous or extremely dangerous country that you will allow us to slide our hand up under your physical training uniform, your combat multi-cam uniform, your Airman Battle Dress uniform, under your undershirt with no pockets and cup your breast underneath that lace, or silk, or athletic-bra polyester or maybe even brush your nipple if you are a man meeting the male standard under your required t-shirt our fingers tangled in your chest hair with our hot breath against your neck and our other hand already gripping you to our own uniformed bodies with our desire bulging against our mandatory undergarments just bursting to feel skin on skin after the months of pretending we aren’t human that we don’t need human contact or that our wives and girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands aren’t home feeling the same longing because we all don’t yet want another silent curve of our own hand in a bunk under or over another bunk in a row of bunks hoping no one hears our quickened breath and release and instead that we could just for once, peel back your mandatory undergarments and our mandatory undergarments and plunge all our ungarmented parts into your ungarmented parts because underneath these uniforms we are only human after all and cannot be regulated to be the same and we don’t want you to be the same and…

Excuse us. Where were we?

7.5.  Undergarments (Mandatory).

7.5.2.  Females.