I’m at the bar grabbing a beer with my buddy Bill when he asks me.

“So, how’s the wife hunting going?”

“Alright I guess. I’m seeing someone.”

“Ho-ho, atta boy! What’s her name?”

“Stacy,” I tell him.

“She a looker?”

“Smoke show.”

“My man! Where’d you meet the gal?”

“A bar. She’s a bartender.”

“No shit! She could probably fix me a beer faster than Jodie can. Woman takes her time with everything she damn does.”

“Right, right.”

“Anyway, how long’s it been?”

“Few weeks. Almost two months maybe.”

“And you like her?”

“I like her a lot.”

“She blonde?”

“Yes.”

“Classic. You can’t keep your hands of them blonde bitches. She a natural?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Aw, shoot, that’s alright. Say, you got a picture of her?”

I pull up her Facebook page on my phone and show him a photo.

“Well fuck me, Jimmy, she’s a looker! She’s real blonde ain’t she. What do they call that? Silver blonde?”

“Platinum blonde.”

“That’s right. She’s got them real purdy eyes, too. She got a nice rack?”

I nod. “They’re fake, though.”

“Well shit, you caught yourself a bombshell with big ol’ fake tits! Look at you!”

“Thanks.” I take a swig of my beer. “There’s another thing, though.”

“Well, c’mon, don’t keep secrets from me now! Spill!”

“She has a dick, too.”

“No fucking shit! Fooled the fuck outta me! I didn’t know you were into that tranny stuff, Jimmy.”

“I don’t think it’s ‘stuff’ and I’m not ‘into’ anything, Bill.”

“Hm.” He seems to ponder a moment. “Well does this make you a fag then?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t thought about it. Also, you can’t say that anymore.”

“Fag?”

“Well, yeah, that too I guess. I meant tranny. They’re trans people now.”

“Ah, shit, tomato tomato. But you seriously haven’t thought about it? Were you looking for a trans?”

He’s nearly there with the terminology but I don’t feel like correcting him. “No, I wasn’t. It just kinda happened.”

“But have you ever thought about being with a dude?”

“No, not necessarily.”

“But you’re cool with playing with a cock that ain’t your own?”

“I guess so, yeah.”

“But you’re not a fag? Shit, sorry. You’re not a gay?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“I don’t know, man, I’m confused.”

“Don’t worry about it too much, Bill.”

“Alright then, shit.” It’s silent for a few seconds. “Is it big?”

“What?”

“Her dick, Jimmy. Is it big?”

“Oh. Yeah, it is.”

“Bigger than yours?”

I nod. “Yup.”

“Well shit. Does it hurt?”

“She doesn’t fuck me in the ass, Bill.”

“Hey, I don’t know what y’all do or how all this works! I’m just asking questions.” He takes a drink of his beer and a handful of cashews from the little silver bowl in front of him. Normally, I’d make a joke about him having nuts in his hands, but that doesn’t seem appropriate. “But if she did fuck you in the ass, would it hurt?”

“I’m sure it would. I think anything fucking me in the ass would hurt, don’t you?”

“I guess you’re right. Hey, lemme ask you. Is it… is it bigger than mine?”

“I don’t know how big your dick is, Bill?”

“Shit, quit lying! You seen it plenty up when we took that fishing trip that summer. We skinny dipped with those hot chicks in the lake. Man I was so pissed I thought at least one of them would put out. Especially the dark-haired one with the nipple rings. And then you caught me with that porno magazine in the tent later that night. And that time we went to that nudie beach by accident.”

“You know, Bill, all of that sounds pretty gay.”

“Oh, that’s all different and you know it.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“Ah, to hell with you! Stop jerkin’ me off. Around! Stop jerkin’ me around. God dammit! Fuck you, Jimmy!”

I laugh. He finishes his beer and I finish mine. He waves the bartender over. “Two more dicks, on me! Fuck, what the fuck. No, shit. Two beers! Shit, all this talk about dicks got me all inside out.”

“It’s okay, Bill.” The bartender hands us two more beers and Bill drinks half his at once.

“Hey, listen, you really like this broad?”

“I do.”

“Do you love her?”

“I don’t know yet, Bill, it’s not even been two months.”

“Well, if you do, that’s alright by me. As long as you’re happy. Even if she fucks you in the ass or not.”

“Thanks, Bill. I’m very happy. And to answer your question, it is bigger than yours.”

“Well cheers to that!”

“Cheers. To girl cock.”

“To fuckin’ girl cock.”