This, friends, will be the last time I ever touch a keyboard. After I finish this missive and click send, I am dedicating my life to nature, and vow to abstain from all conveniences and hypocrisy of the unnatural world, from unclean modern vaccines, to clothing made in factories by impoverished piece workers in Bangladesh. I will walk, naked, into the woods and survive as my forebearers did many generations ago. If they can do it, I can do it. Goodbye petroleum industry. I will no longer ride in vehicles powered by your hydrocarbons, or even pamper my lips with petrolatum. Goodbye industrial agriculture. I will no longer eat your unclean bok choy, grown in monocultures and transported to the farmer’s market in yet another polluting machine. Goodbye money. I will never dirty my hands or corrupt myself by greedily trading worthless bits of paper and metal, nor will I use an energy sucking machine to trade 1’s and 0’s by wire to fund unnecessary luxury.

Some of you might be asking how I will survive. Simple. We did it for millions of generations, and only in the past few hundred or so have we as humans compromised our integrity by burning cellulose to murder microbes and unnaturally denature proteins in the flesh of our prey, allowing fire to warm our flesh, thereby letting our mitochondria laze. No more. If I am cold, I will simply allow my brown fat to increase energy production, upregulating my internal temperature to compensate. I’ll shiver if I have to, but pollute the air with carbonaceous particles and threaten my habitat with an uncontrolled fire? Nay.

I will, unfortunately, have to abandon veganism. This is a sad fact, but if my calculations are correct based on my nutrient and caloric needs (and lack of a fermenting foregut or hindgut which would allow me to extract sugars from cellulose), a necessary one. I will eat worms and limpets and slugs raw, not destroying their vitamins with artificial heat, but rather absorbing every micronutrient, taking their symbiotic bacteria as my own. I’ll drink from pools and streams with my animal brethren, and make a nest in a tree each night like my wild gorilla cousins. I’ll roam, not just to keep from overstripping resources from any one area, but to avoid poisoning the plants with too much urine or polluting my environment with an excessive concentration of feces. This is what we used to do, by the way. Sitting in one place, settled? Not natural.

I plan on clothing myself with blankets of moss until I can run down a calf moose, bludgeon it and skin it with a sharp rock, but its fat stores will sustain me for more adventures. I’ll apologize to its mother. She’ll get over it.

I wish I could spread the word of my decision, but that would mean entering a city, utilizing artificial stone to tread on, and artificial light to see, not to mention artificial clearings to spot others and socialize with them. Thus, it is not an option. As a man of pure sincerity, abandoning all sarcasm, irony, and (again) any sort of hypocrisy, I must rely on becoming a legend, simply leading by example.

Unfortunately, if too many of you follow my example I have to warn you that I’m going to have to kill (and (maybe) eat) some of you. This planet has long since exceeded its carrying capacity by a few orders of magnitude, and I will be forced to defend my territory. As brutal as that sounds, there simply isn’t enough room for all of us.

Finally, could someone tell Crystal I won’t be available to go on that backpacking trip we talked about last week? That would be awesome. She’s a really amazing person, and I know I said I was cool with her decision to go along with the pregnancy, but this is bigger than me, and certainly bigger than bringing one small child into this world. I am embarking on a venture that is monumental in both scope and depth, a quest that has the potential to define what it is to be a human, and so there’s simply no space in my life right now for a partner. I am sure she’ll understand.