excerpts from the archives at the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas at Austin—June 27, 1967 to February 4, 1968

 

Dear Mr. Mailer,

Thank you for your submission, but it doesn’t fit our editorial needs at this time.

Best,

Martin Freebles

Dear Mr. Mailer,

Yes. We received the vial of saliva and lock of hair. Thank you. However, our rejection has nothing to do with us doubting your identity. We just didn’t feel this particular piece was a good fit for Highlights for Children. We enjoyed much of the story (the scene where the woman is performing fellatio is very well-written), but we are targeting a certain demographic, and we don’t feel the overt sexuality and more contemplative themes of this piece are appropriate for our readership. We encourage you to submit again in the future.

Best,

Martin Freebles
PS – Have you tried Playboy?

Dear Mr. Mailer,

I’m sorry if they don’t understand your work, but just because it’s printed in Highlights for Children doesn’t make it any more appropriate for your grandkids to read. We might be running a feature soon in which famous novelists offer creative writing tips to children. Would that be something that might interest you?

Best,

Martin Freebles

Dear Mr. Mailer,

Thank you for describing to me where I can “shove” my “(bleeping) assignment” (your threat was indeed beautifully written). There is a wide world of literary journals out there that I’m sure would be elated to receive work from someone as esteemed as you.

Best,

Martin Freebles

Dear Mr. Mailer,

I assure you this “blood feud” that, in your words, will be “brought on you (bleeping) (bleepers)” is entirely one-sided. We, at Highlights for Children, believe in peaceful resolutions to conflict.

Best,

Martin Freebles

Dear Mr. Mailer,

Your scathing review of our magazine in The Village Voice doesn’t intimidate us. Last time I checked, our circulation was twice that of The Village Voice.

Best,

Martin Freebles

Dear Mr. Mailer,

A letter bomb, Mr. Mailer? Seriously? We can press charges for this.

Best,

Martin Freebles

Dear Mr. Mailer,

I’m sorry. We don’t negotiate with terrorists (we’re still cleaning up the mess from your last letter).

Best,

Martin Freebles

PS – Your most recent novel isn’t one of your stronger works.

Dear Mr. Mailer,

I apologize for losing my temper. My postscript was unnecessarily harsh. I certainly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Yes, of course you can still offer writing tips to children.

Warmest regards,

Martin Freebles