I was at the George Bush Intercontinental Airport, which I thought should be renamed for a cooler guy. I arrived five hours early because they messed up my boarding pass. They thought my last name was my first name and my first name was my last name. They thought I was a Roald Dahl character. I explained I was a real person with a real name, and after a handful of judgmental comments, a ticketing agent deigned to bequeath upon me my real name. I checked my bag. I lied about there being no lithium batteries. I went through TSA and they pelted me with assorted candies: lollipops, gumdrops, gobstoppers. I felt like Willy Wonka. I explained to them that I was Wonky Williams, but they just kept tossing those sweet treats. I drank a ham & cheese croissant and ate a caff\u00e8 latte and thought about lithium batteries. I took a life-threatening coffee shit, but the bathroom was beautiful. The toilet paper was thin as a Russian figure skater. It tore easy as the fabric of the universe. None of the automatic faucets worked until I turned the knobs. I dunked my hands in toilet water. I painted the airport with chocolate. I listened to The Apples in Stereo. I listened to my intrusive thoughts. I thought about lithium batteries. I wondered if the Sanrio combination Bluetooth speaker\/nightlight I bought my friend would kill us all. I Googled will the Sanrio combination Bluetooth speaker\/nightlight I bought my friend kill us all? Google said signs point to yes. I shook my Magic 8-Ball. My Magic 8-Ball said it is certain. I shrugged like a weasel. I entered the gate, which was protected by talismans. I burst into flames, but I kept my cool. I boarded the plane and was bespirited by Baphomet. I had a sea salt chocolate quinoa crisp and a small cerulean cup of Coke. I teleported to the cargo hold and immolated My Melody. The plane fell into the Atlantic Ocean. I fell into the depths of hell. My friend played her songs at my wake. I requested her Sanrio song, but she didn\u2019t hear me. But she did play it anyways, immediately after I asked. I thought it was a good coincidence, more so than a miracle. Baphomet asked what\u2019s her name? All of the demons asked what\u2019s your name? I said it only matters what you call things when you have somewhere to go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wondered if the Sanrio combination Bluetooth speaker\/nightlight I bought my friend would kill us all. I Googled will the Sanrio combination Bluetooth speaker\/nightlight I bought my friend kill us all? Google said signs point to yes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":25494,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3530],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24566","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-flash-fiction","writer-travis-shosa"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24566","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24566"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24566\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25493,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24566\/revisions\/25493"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/25494"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24566"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24566"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24566"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}