On New Year\u2019s Eve, I stalk my ex-girlfriend on Facebook. I evaluate her new beau in parts. The whole is too much. His hands are manageable. Do they look stronger than mine did, around her waist, casual but confident? Do those fingers get her up and over the hump again, and again, and again? What about his loafers? How can he think it\u2019s appropriate to wear the same shoes for the family Christmas photo and for their annual holiday trip to Kyoto? Bad taste\u2014he\u2019s a cheap one. Do you only own one pair of shoes, my friend? I imagine the blisters he must\u2019ve had. Speaking broken Japanese, bartering for band aids and antibiotic ointment. There\u2019s nothing sexy about getting undressed under the cool hotel room sheets and watching flecks of scarlet stain the lower-fourth.<\/p>\n
But the ones where they only feed me the crumbs\u2014God, those are the worst. I want to be served the full picture and to slice it into thin, available slices. I don\u2019t want to guess if the masculine shape in the corner of the pottery studio is her brother glazing a pot for a Sibs-Night-Out or him taking his time at the wheel. I bet he takes his time. He thinks he has forever. He doesn\u2019t change the radio station when the ballads come on, because they can\u2019t touch him. They slide right off that four-pack. He lets her wander away at the Trader Joes. There is no question in his mind that they\u2019ll find each other again in front of the dairy aisle, and she\u2019ll say, \u201cOh I was looking for you!\u201d and he\u2019ll go pull out his massive credit card and massive dick and maybe they\u2019ll have sex right there, in front of the probiotic yogurt and alternative butter.<\/p>\n
And he\u2019s right. He keeps his posts with her to a minimum. Work party flicks, one couple\u2019s pic on her birthday. Classy. She lays it out for all of us. Cheeky living room moments, with two wine glasses and an almost complete game of Double Klondike and It\u2019s a Wonderful Life in the background. Slightly smudged lipstick in a selfie. Eyes giggling. She thinks she\u2019s in on an inside joke. I want to shout in her face. IT\u2019S HAPPENING TO YOU! But it\u2019s her turn. I\u2019ve already ripped off my fingernails and deleted my calculator app and eaten too much cottage cheese. I\u2019ve let the ballads pummel me. You\u2019re up, baby!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
They\u2019ll find each other in the dairy aisle, and she\u2019ll say, \u201cOh I was looking for you!\u201d and he\u2019ll go pull out his massive credit card and massive dick and maybe they\u2019ll have sex right there, in front of the probiotic yogurt and alternative butter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":25370,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3530],"tags":[3927,4948,4949],"class_list":["post-24358","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-flash-fiction","tag-facebook","tag-facebook-stalking","tag-trader-joes","writer-audrey-jiggetts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24358","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24358"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24358\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25369,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24358\/revisions\/25369"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/25370"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}