They were really getting it going at the Duncans\u2019. Going at it presumably as hard as good people felt they had the leeway to go in the presence of children. Bobby and his wife said they had dispensation from the Duncans themselves to call Mick in Lexington an hour away to ask him to bring more \u201cto drink.\u201d Hell, Mick would have brought more than what he had in the cooler in his trunk but he didn\u2019t want them to think he was grandstanding. Grandstanding wasn\u2019t the best word. But he would stand by it. Shit. He only had two hands, you know?<\/p>\n
There must have been twenty cars parked out front. The noise carried all the way down by Turner Road. Mick got his tequila and twelve-pack of Heineken out of the Jeep and crunched up the gravel driveway. A muggy July Fourth. Somehow there was no rain forecast. He needed to strip down to his swimming trunks and take his rightful place in the hot tub, a place whose mixture of splashing and whooping he could already detect.<\/p>\n
He heard this above the blaring of one newish song on the stereo with that weird foreign electro siren noise mixed in. The kids were going: \u201cWhoo-oo-oo-ee-oo-oo-oo-oo. Whoo-oo-oo-ee-oo-oo-oo-oo. I saw the sun! I saw the sun! I saw the SUUUUN\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
He heard the hot tub and his true peers above the sound of children huddled down in the red mud creek parallel to the drive screaming, \u201cCrawdads! Crawdads!\u201d They had built a dam out of creek rocks and some were splashing around in the reservoir behind it. Good kids. The Kinsley-Douglas boys. The Ramsey boys. The builder instinct. Their parents were probably drunk as skunks right now.<\/p>\n
He could see the mahogany-brown stained stairs to the hot tub beyond the sight directly before him of a girl dancing under the basketball goal in a grass Hawaiian skirt and a black D.A.R.E. t-shirt. The Murphys\u2019 girl, looking seventeenish: her ridiculous conviction or else instinct that made everything worthy of a giggle reminded him of the sanity of declaring teenagers \u201coff limits to adults.\u201d Mick took four more steps past these teen dancers and squinted through the smoke from the grill and saw the crew up in the jacuzzi with beers in their hands. He came to a cooler, dropped the Heineken bottles in it. and pulled out a Corona Light that made him shiver. A lady\u2019s beer\u2014but there\u2019s no bad beer. Only better beer.<\/p>\n
He felt something buzzing around his bald spot and reached up to slap it with his free hand, which was pulled in toward the porch.<\/p>\n
Mick twisted around to look at the porch and Elias Charlotte, who turned the grab into a handshake.<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. Mick, put her there. <\/em>We\u2019ve got plenty of doctors here hootin\u2019 and hollerin\u2019 and carryin\u2019 on. What we don\u2019t have is a lawyer to sue them. That\u2019s where you come in. Observe closely and build your case.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m on the clock now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure you did the right thing and started billing the hours weeks ago.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHeh. We\u2019ll see. We\u2019ll see. This is also my first beer. There\u2019s a reason I\u2019m late.\u201d<\/p>\n Elias asked the boilerplate questions. How were the kids? How had their trip to the beach been? How went practicing law?<\/p>\n \u201cWhoo-oo-o! Honey! In the flesh!\u201d his wife hollered, which allowed him to feel saved.<\/p>\n \u201cUh-oh. The wife\u2019s calling. I\u2019ll have to attend to her.\u201d<\/p>\n He craned his neck up toward the light. Mary, wreathed in hot tub fog, was waving from the deck. \u201cMick. Come on in. This hot tub is per-fec-to. Bring up the tequila.\u201d<\/p>\n He felt saved. At no point so far in his \u201cmoment\u201d with Charlotte had he believed that the doctor meant to speak to him in a personal way, and that was even if he honed in on the warmth of the voice rather than the idiotic words themselves.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re coming in fast for a landing,\u201d Randy shouted.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re gonna do, what, the layin\u2019 of the hands. It\u2019s baptism by fire, baby.\u201d Bobby Russo firing sass.<\/p>\n A round of laughter passed like they all had a clue what Bobby\u2019s drunk ass was talking about. They were starting to turn pink even with the bottle of sunscreen in arm\u2019s reach.<\/p>\n Elias gave him a knowing goodbye back slap and Mick climbed the stairs to the place he deserved. \u201cHow long\u2019ve y\u2019all been drinkin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHa-a-a-a. Long enough.\u201d Bobby said.<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like you had a day\u2019s headstart.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick made his way into the light, pulled off his shirt, kicked off his loafers, and eased into the hot tub. There was a reassuring mini cooler parked by the steps within reach of the tub.<\/p>\n The crowd started whooping.<\/p>\n Mick leaned over toward the driveway, resting his beer on the sill of the tub. \u201cWhat\u2019s the big idea?\u201d<\/p>\n Rhonda laughed. \u201cThe kids are excited. They\u2019re doing the ‘Macarena’ one more time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaca-what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA Mexican dance. They wiggle their hips. Put their hands on their heads. And spin around. Wiggle their hips. Put their hands on their heads. Spin around. Like the Electric Slide. But Mexican<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon, Grandpa,\u201d Bobby said. \u201cThey\u2019re doin\u2019 the god danged ‘Macarena’. Have you been under a rock?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been at work.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHoney, you\u2019ve heard this before,\u201d his wife sermonized. \u201cThey were playing it down in the Bahamas when we were there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt didn\u2019t sink in, apparently.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWatch them,\u201d Bobby said. \u201cThey just keep doing the same hand motions and turning ninety degrees.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick had once been a kid doing \u201cThe Electric Slide\u201d falling down drunk, sobering up, and realizing that he had never really done \u201cThe Electric Slide.\u201d He couldn\u2019t discern any mistakes in anyone\u2019s \u201cMacarena\u201d moves. Maybe they were all geniuses. Or gay. Or both. Kids needed something to keep them busy. All that crack cocaine and marijuana going around. He didn\u2019t put it past his son Tyler to be up in the woods right now smoking reefer. And he was fifteen. A bad age.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s Tyler?\u201d Mick asked.<\/p>\n Mary shrugged her shoulders. \u201cI dunno.\u201d<\/p>\n Bobby clapped. \u201cI love it. C\u2019mon, Mom and Dad. It\u2019s 2 PM. What\u2019s the worst that he could be up to? Last I checked, a lot of those teenagers were camped out in the living room playing video games.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick felt so good he chugged his beer and took a shot of tequila. \u201cThat\u2019s good enough an answer for me,\u201d he argued.<\/p>\n \u201cHoney,\u201d Mary laughed. \u201cEase up. We\u2019re just a little buzzed. Not that we aren\u2019t driving back together. Remember?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cParty Mexicano style!\u201d Bobby shouted and grabbed a yellow rubber duckie from the corner of the tub. He latched onto Rhonda\u2019s shoulder and slipped it under her bathing suit.<\/p>\n \u201cAhhh!\u201d Rhonda screamed and pulled the rubber duckie out from where it was pinned to her chest. She launched herself at Mary, and her hands went under the bubbling water.<\/p>\n Mary giggled. \u201cI usually leave those parts to my husband and doctor. Gracious!\u201d And giggled some more.<\/p>\n Time for Mick to have another drink. Tequila for sure. He had nowhere to be until Monday. Property transfer completely ready to go for his client.<\/p>\n Something beautiful and imaginary swelled inside of him as it went down. Like the idea of America or love.<\/p>\n They clinked glasses in the center of the tub, where there was a steaming zone of calm.<\/p>\n Mick looked around to see who was listening to Blues Traveler.<\/p>\n \u201cBobby, beer me,\u201d Mick shouted. \u201cThis song. This is sacred music. You could play this at my funeral and I wouldn\u2019t mind. This is rock. This is country. This is gospel. This is soul.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAmen.\u201d Bobby shouted. \u201cA… men.\u201d<\/p>\n There was silence. Then a familiar beat started. The “Macarena.”<\/p>\n \u201cBoo…” Mick and Bobby moaned. \u201cBooo\u2026 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cYou kids are brainwashed,\u201d Bobby yelled. \u201cI don\u2019t think they hear me,\u201d he told the hot tub. The Blues Traveler song had not even played all the way through.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re havin\u2019 too much fun with this dance,\u201d Rhonda said. \u201cLook at \u2018em go. My God. You\u2019ve gotta be agile.\u201d<\/p>\n The spirit was moving through Mick. He needed to show these kids something. \u201cI call fives.\u201d<\/p>\n He slipped on his shoes, ran off the deck, and started gyrating on the edge of the big pack of kids doing the dance. He was a step behind everyone\u2019s moves. But he didn\u2019t care. He needed to get down there and have a bratwurst anyway.<\/p>\n He shouted along to the music. \u201cMacarena! Macarena! Macarena! Macarena! Macarena Macarena! Macarena!\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n He jumped in the wrong direction and was swiveling his hips and staring right at the crowd of them.<\/p>\n They were laughing. Kids not thinking they knew right from wrong.<\/p>\n \u201cHa! Ha! Ha!\u201d Mick shouted. And stepped away. You\u2019ve gotta know when to hold \u2018em and know when to fold \u2018em.<\/p>\n \u201cOw! Ow!!\u201d Bobby shouted. \u201cYer a damn fool with the best of them, Mick.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick shook his head and walked to the front porch with a brat in his hand. His Heinekens were nice and ready for him. Don\u2019t mind if I do. <\/em><\/p>\n The crowd on the porch was decidedly less drunk, going on about antiques and some movie. They were all in pairs and Mick was the odd one out.\u00a0 He tried easing in on a conversation about an antique mall in Harrodsburg and when they did look up at him he found he had little encouraging to say about the tired premise that all of them were antiques. Some folks lacked soul.<\/p>\n Elias Charlotte materialized. \u201cHow\u2019s that lawsuit coming?\u201d A woman\u2019s cackle added to the song \u201cMacarena\u201d as it replayed and seemed to confirm that this was a joke, as Elias Charlotte took it as his cue to laugh at his own jibe.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be suing you for tampering with me.\u201d Mick said. Score one for the good old boy who knew everything. He wasn\u2019t drunk at all. He was one of those<\/em> who just got \u201chigh on life\u201d and plaster their smile all over the place.<\/p>\n \u201cSplendid,\u201d Elias said. \u201cSplendid. Splendid.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick tried and maybe failed to tap his shoulder in brotherly fashion. He stomped up the stairs of the deck to the hot tub after scarfing his brat.<\/p>\n \u201cLook what the cat dragged in,\u201d Bobby said. \u201cJohn took your spot.\u201d<\/p>\n So Mick just stood there soaking up the heat as they talked about the major truths. Drained that Heineken. Then another. An hour went by.<\/p>\n Bobby said: \u201cSo a man goes to the doctor. He\u2019s come back for a followup after they\u2019ve done some tests. The man says, ‘Will I live forever?’ And she\u2014it\u2019s a lady doctor\u2014says, \u2018You\u2019re doing well for a sixty year old. Do you smoke?\u2019 \u2018No,\u2019 he says. \u2018Do you drink?\u2019 \u2018No, I haven\u2019t done that in years,\u2019 he says. \u2018Do you wear sunscreen and avoid the sun?\u2019 \u2018I always wear a floppy hat and cover myself.\u2019 \u2018Now do you have sex?\u2019 she asks.”<\/p>\n A few chuckles followed.<\/p>\n \u201c\u2018I haven\u2019t had sex in twenty years.\u2019 The doctor just shakes her head. \u2018Then why do you want to live forever?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Mick roared with laughter. \u201cBobby, you\u2019re a regular stand-up act.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not that country.\u201d Bobby said.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re a rebel born and bred,\u201d Mick twisted around to see who was in ear shot.<\/p>\n \u201cSome comedian can only be who he is because he\u2019s a redneck. But I can\u2019t go all the way to deep country.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome on,\u201d Mick said. \u201cYou\u2019ve gotta feel it. We\u2019re all rednecks when we\u2019re drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDrunken lies that telleth the truth,\u201d Bobby clucked his tongue. And kept talking. But Mick was distracted. He had just spotted Tyler.<\/p>\n That boy ain\u2019t right<\/em>. His son\u2019s shorts were pretty much down by his knees. What did they call it?\u00a0 Showing off his boxer shorts like a fool. Had something to do with skating in California and unsafe sex and something like Calvin Klein models and as proof the boy was rolling down the driveway in sunglasses.<\/p>\n \u201cHike those pants right back up,\u201d he shouted above the din.<\/p>\n Tyler looked around and zeroed in on the noise as he screamed. \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow. Goddamnit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s nothin\u2019 wrong with my shorts.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI see a big problem. You think you\u2019re really something. Some kind of rockstar for the midnight skaters.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019re drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMick,\u201d Mary said like she was ready to lecture. \u201cHe bought a size too big last week and said he was gonna grow.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick shook his head. \u201cThat does it, Tyler. You\u2019re cruisin\u2019 for a bruisin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick eased his way off the deck and down to eye level as elegantly as his legs would take him. \u201cEase your fuckin\u2019 pants up, son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did I just say?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPull your pants up. But you\u2019re clearly wast-ted<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen did you develop your little attitude?\u201d\u00a0 Mick reached toward the silk shorts and Tyler jumped backwards.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got some lip.\u201d<\/p>\n For reasons that weren\u2019t entirely clear, \u201cMacarena\u201d started playing again.<\/p>\n \u201cHow many goddamn times are we gonna listen to the ‘Macarena\u2019?\u201d Mick cried.<\/p>\n \u201cI dunno.\u201d His son shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cBut enough about that. I can handle. I. Can. Handle. It. Let\u2019s talk about your shorts and your attitude. You hike those pants up and you won\u2019t get your Sega taken away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich Sega?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAll of them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re making a scene. Notice how everybody\u2019s left the yard and gone inside.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick looked around. The driveway was empty. The hot tub was still full but they were suspiciously quiet and still. He looked back at the front door. Some little kids were standing there staring doe-eyed at him. He saw movement in the window next to it and some more kids were in the process of ducking down and creeping back up to gawk.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is the way people dress, Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFuck you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTwo.\u201d<\/p>\n Tyler pulled up his pants. There was still a ring of boxers showing.<\/p>\n \u201cI said all the way up and tie them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo you didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I meant it. You want those Segas taken away?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, pull up your fuckin\u2019 pants.\u201d<\/p>\n He wanted to call Tyler spoiled but didn\u2019t want to give him any ideas.<\/p>\n \u201cDad, everybody\u2019s inside \u2018cause they\u2019re afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNobody\u2019s inside \u2018cause they\u2019re afraid. People are still up in the hot tub. It just got too hot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPeople went inside \u2018cause you\u2019re screaming.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPeople are tryin\u2019 to tell you, you something. You messed up. You hear<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m innocent. I\u2019m just having a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean? You been drinkin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI haven\u2019t drunk anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet me smell your breath.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re being ridiculous.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t make me ask you twice.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSmell it then.\u201d<\/p>\n Mick eased in. And smelled deep.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was barely a breath.\u201d The words tumbled out of him before he could think to do the countdown clock. Shit.<\/p>\n He smelled Doritos, Coke or Pepsi. Something meaty. And something else. Something rancid. Like he wasn\u2019t brushing or flossing.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t tell if you have. I\u2019m not a professional,\u201d Mick said. \u201cYour breath is gross. You ever heard of dental hygiene?\u201d<\/p>\n His son was drunk. He knew. Goddamn it. There were just too many smells coming out. So much food he could have been gobbling down to mask the smell. The whole place, the driveway and yard, smelled like alcohol now. Plus he was pretty drunk himself. But he wasn\u2019t complaining. It just complicated things now.<\/p>\n They needed to leave very soon. He wheeled around on his feet and climbed up the steps to the front porch. \u201cMary,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n The house was completely quiet except for the TV. He couldn\u2019t help but peek in. People were standing there, speechless. And as soon as he looked around , there was James. He looked at his feet and then turned to Amanda. \u201cI\u2019ve completely lost my train of thought.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoes this mean we can go outside, Daddy?\u201d some random little girl whispered in the not-so-secret way of a small child.<\/p>\n Another business associate of the host, Biff, popped his head in from the kitchen to see what was going on. He made eye contact with Mick. \u201cYes, honey,\u201d he smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t let me ruin the fun,\u201d Mick shouted. He probably needed to feel ashamed of himself, but the world still felt warm and bright and he thanked the hosts, whom he found at the grill once he collected himself and used the restroom. Harvey Duncan protested that Mick could simply wait and get sobered up and relax for a while and then after many protestations offered a \u201cYes, of course, of course, come back for it, if you\u2019re really in a hurry to move things along with your day\u201d upon hearing Mick\u2019s plan to leave his car at their house until he and Mary could come back for it.<\/p>\n Mary appeared as this conversation was trailing off to remind Mick that she had ridden down here as a passenger with Tyler in the Wilson family\u2019s car. Mick held up his hands as though praising God that she could drive him. \u201cWhope, never mind.\u201d<\/p>\n As though too polite for \u201call of this,\u201d Elias Charlotte had reappeared at the grill alongside the driveway as Mick\u2019s family exited. His extremities were a little pink and he now had on a mocking sombrero that seemed to have been distributed by someone unknown as party favors. \u201cWelp, welp, welp\u201d he said, meeting eyes with Mick. \u201cAnother day.\u201d With the benefit of another split second, Mick discerned a pun: \u201cWhelp, whelp, whelp.\u201d He understood that if he refrained from acknowledging it, he would avoid some awkwardness. On the other hand, he was angry and the word was so old-fashioned that Tyler would barely have a grasp of it.<\/p>\n \u201cYep, I\u2019ve got the whelp right here,\u201d he ended up saying.<\/p>\n \u201cAll is well that ends well,\u201d Elias Charlotte laughed.<\/p>\n Tyler was already a full house-length down the driveway. The saucer-shaped foam earpieces of his headphones were clamped down on his ears and he was clearly listening to some hateful music. God damn it!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That night they watched the fireworks from the end of their cul-de-sac. Mick had let the alcohol completely wear off and he wanted to sleep. But the neighbors would ask questions if only his wife were outside alone watching the colors explode over the fairgrounds across the highway.<\/p>\n \u201cHoney,\u201d Mick wanted to say, \u201cGod damn what a day can do!\u201d<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t want the lecture.<\/p>\n Tyler still had his Sega and other devices back in five days. But couldn\u2019t go out and see friends. They had decided that in the car. The new generation wasn\u2019t right. He had to make peace with that. He just had to draw the line somewhere.<\/p>\n Mary leaned in to kiss Mick with no lipstick on.\u00a0 \u201cYou should spend more time with Tyler.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI should,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n That was the answer. The two of them needed to bond. Go fishing. Fight off snapping turtles like they used to when he was growing up. The terrible thing was his son, after all. Every young generation is evil. (The fucking \u201cMacarena”.) Mick was evil once, stealing road signs for kicks, and he was still trying to get it out of his system. He wouldn\u2019t even drink much on the trip. He would show Tyler how to be responsible. And when they got back to the hotel room, after they shouted a few times, he would watch cable news or CMT or VH1 and make him wish he could be a dad someday. Or, you know, something like that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" They were really getting it going at the Duncans\u2019. Going at it presumably as hard as good people felt they had the leeway to go in the presence of children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":24597,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23653","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","writer-stephan-crown-weber"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23653","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23653"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23653\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24598,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23653\/revisions\/24598"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/24597"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23653"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23653"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23653"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}