It\u2019s 3 in the morning. I need a sniff, so I go find a date. I\u2019m fresh out of oven cleaner.<\/p>\n
Tammy Faye face, dollar store wig, she smokes Camels on the chaise while I root through her kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome, give Mommy a kiss,\u201d she teases.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m looking for oven cleaner but only finding rat traps. Big ones. Kind could take off a finger, a toe.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome see Mommy,\u201d she snaps.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m toppling Green Gobbler, Draino, and Liquid Plumr bottles. Lady must have a problem with her pipes. Maybe it\u2019s the rats.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you doing in there?\u201d<\/p>\n
I need a sniff but can\u2019t find the oven cleaner.<\/p>\n
In the doorway, I stand.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere\u2019s your oven cleaner?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOven cleaner? Honey, I don\u2019t cook. I\u2019ve never once touched a stove, ghastly things.\u201d<\/p>\n
I grab my coat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you going? Aren\u2019t we gonna smooch?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not looking for anything serious,\u201d I say. \u201cI\u2019m looking for oven cleaner.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m out the door.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Guy seems nice. Pastel walls. Anime dolls. On the couch, he\u2019s hunched over knees, anticipating, already tongue to lips licking.<\/p>\n
I walk into his kitchen and on my knees, I comb through his cabinet. I need one hit. A single sniff will do. Man\u2019s got to have oven cleaner.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy? Your name is Jeremy, right? What are you doing in there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry about it,\u201d I say. \u201cIt\u2019s a surprise. A real big surprise.\u201d<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m the one surprised. His cabinet is all candles. Chocolate Pumpkin. Citrus Sunflower. Cactus Pine. Dozens of them. Scent combos that don\u2019t make sense.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not looking for a long time or even a good time. I\u2019m only looking for oven cleaner. It can\u2019t be this hard.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeffrey? Your name is Jeffrey, right?\u201d I say. \u201cWhere the fuck is the oven cleaner, Jeffrey?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPardon?\u201d<\/p>\n
In the doorway, I stand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think you heard me. Your oven cleaner?\u201d I say. \u201cWhere is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes dance around his face. I can\u2019t tell if he\u2019s thinking or reliving an episode.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if I say I don\u2019t have any? What if I say I\u2019m all out? What happens then? What will you do to me?\u201d<\/p>\n
I grab my coat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas that all this was? You only wanted me for my oven cleaner, Jeremy?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m out the door.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
At first, I forgot. She\u2019s lived in the building longer than me, longer than anyone. She was born in the building, and she will die here. She has clients in the city, some on the Upper West Side. I know Yordanka the maid must be holding.<\/p>\n
I knock.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know it\u2019s late,\u201d I say. \u201cBut it\u2019s your neighbor, Jeremy.\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s rustling behind the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it?\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to borrow something. It\u2019s an emergency.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is emergency? What do you need?\u201d<\/p>\n
Afraid I\u2019m going to blow my shot, I think of something to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cOpen up, and I\u2019ll tell you, Mrs. Ivkov.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo\u2014you say now, or I go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need oven cleaner. It\u2019s an emergency. A cleaning emergency.\u201d<\/p>\n
The lock clicks. The door opens, and Yordanka Ivkov stands before me in her pink faux rabbit fur robe.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, this is emergency I understand. Come in.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stop in her living room. It\u2019s hard to believe.<\/p>\n
There is no furniture. The floor is covered in drop cloth, and the windows are draped in tin foil. No way to see in or out. But it\u2019s the corner of the room that is most unexpected. There are two industrial pallets of oven cleaner, straight from the factory floor. Mrs. Ivkov is hoarding all the oven cleaner in lower New Jersey.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t speak.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere, will be better.\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
She hands me a brand-new can of oven cleaner and a brown paper bag.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou see this is emergency I am planned for, Mr. Jeremy.\u201d<\/p>\n
I spray the can into the bag, wrap it around my muzzle, and sniff.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I punched walls for the sound, the shudder, the sting. Said it was better than faces, right?<\/p>\n
Nobody laughed.<\/p>\n
The ridge came later, a knob swelling on the back of my hand\u2014orthopedics called it a carpal boss.<\/p>\n
I called it proof.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Some walls give a little, some walls give a lot, but drywall feels like nothing until your fist hits what just won\u2019t give, and you realize it\u2019s you who breaks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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