Neighbor’s dog was sniffing in my yard today & after a quick transvestigation, it was obvious she used to be a man, so I re-tie the belt on my robe, mutter a quick prayer to the twin towers just like they taught me at school and clean jerk deadlift some landscaping rock, thinking I could Cain & Abel this before it gets out of hand. I mean, shit man, I have kids.<\/p>\n
Today I woke up and saw Matilda sniffing around the property line. We’ve lost about 100 sqft so far because chud next door keeps moving the rebar, but today I’m seeing him eyefucking her while double-wielding a rock and hot coffee. Transphobia’s like a religion for this guy, second only to property encroachment, and Matilda used to be Samwise but got redubbed after her orchi. (The vet said we didn’t have to and then deadnamed her, and I said “Fuck off, man” and handed him a copy of Dorley Hall.) Anyway, so he’s coming out hot, meanwhile I’m like Really? You’re telling me I have to get to a dog clobbering before I take my gabapentin? <\/em>cause it’s barely six but Matilda’s real engrossed in this little pile of deer turds and doesn’t see him coming. I yell out HERE GIRL<\/em> and see neighbor-guy’s eyes light up, ’cause it’s like I confirmed something for him & the mug gets tossed, both hands on the rock now, going up high, & I’m running. Then POP<\/em> a shot rings out and me, neighbor, & ’tilda all swing our heads around like prairie dogs or something.<\/p>\n So I\u2019m driving through this neighborhood and it\u2019s one of those\u00a0 big rural ones where everybody\u2019s yard is like an acre that looks like shit and has two RVs and the husk of an 01 Dodge Neon in it, but they\u2019re all still giving each other the stink eye \u2018cause it\u2019s not far enough apart, they just couldn\u2019t afford more, y\u2019know? And Amazon HQ says we\u2019re not suppose to know what we\u2019re deliverin\u2019 cause laws and all but I know a fellow patriot when I see one and these are Crushed Bald Eagle Beaks, \u201cAmerica gets you GOING\u201d snortable male enhancement and am I am male? Not exactly, no, because I believe biology is REAL so I can\u2019t be a man even if it\u2019s kinda fun when everybody thinks I am, so I pop every boner pill online or at the truck stop and my beard is coming in nice and I love my country and I\u2019m horny as fuck and I need to protect my wife from crisis actors coming in with Remington Arms Bushmaster Adaptive Combat Rifles or Kalishnikov Concern AK-204s which is why I open carry my own B3 Wingman high powered revolver from Titanfall 2 that I printed in red white and blue filament. Anyway I\u2019m delivering the eagle beaks from infowars and see some crisis actor with a rock about to false flag this transvestite canine globalist so thud<\/em> the beaks are in the mud fast as hell, & I pull out my B3 Wingman high powered revolver from Titanfall 2 that I printed in red white and blue filament and let one off, but I miss the first shot and now they\u2019re all looking at me so I yell out AMERICA FIRST, BITCHES and the cowards go for their houses but not before the rock slips and knocks out the crisis actor and the other two run into a house across the yard but this is my goddamn moment and I\u2019m not stopping til we\u2019re all dead, sweetheart.<\/p>\n I was doing yoga on my back porch around six like usual when I hear a bark from a sweet little doggie and so I look up across the valley where some, um, low-income individuals<\/em> have their manufactured homes<\/em>, if you will and I swear to Jesus this underprivileged<\/em> man has a rock<\/p>\n and he\u2019s about to hit the sweet doggie! So I do what I\u2019d like to think I do best and go HEY SIRI CALL NINE ONE ONE<\/em> and then there\u2019s a gunshot of all things and this Amazon, um,<\/p>\n essential worker <\/em>is holding something that looks like a squirt gun, and I don\u2019t judge, because maybe it\u2019s got loud fireworks in it, but he\u2019s got a beard like one of those diverse individuals of another faith<\/em> and I don\u2019t trust this isn\u2019t religiously-motivated terrorism.<\/em> So when they say This is 9-1-1 what is your emergency <\/em>I yell God almighty it\u2019s a muslim terrorist in the trailers out back of hole eight at White Lake. <\/em>And the woman on the line says Oh I\u2019ve heard it\u2019s beautiful out there!<\/em> And so naturally I say, Well, yes, it\u2019s just adorable! My husband and I bought some property out here, and well, we\u2019ve worked really hard and saved money, so I think we\u2019re allowed to have a nice place, and I\u2019m not much of a golfer, but I always liked being around it, you know? Just that nice golf feeling?<\/em><\/p>\n Okay, so I get a call on the damn radio and they say ISIS is out there on county road 5 shooting up the trailer park or something and I almost drop the damn crank in my lap, but I catch it last second, right? Close call. I yell in the radio Fuck Jim, you almost made me drop my meth<\/em><\/p>\n and he laughs. I say this shit constantly and I still don\u2019t know if he thinks I\u2019m joking. Well, do they have a bomb? <\/em>I ask and he says Fucked if I know<\/em> and so I take a big hit and peel out straight into this Subaru and pretty much take its whole front bumper off, fucking funny as hell. County road 5 is great because I can get my Cop Truck up to like 110 before I have to brake, but this time I brake early so I can turn into bumfuck estates, home of the most pathetic white people I\u2019ve ever fucking seen, aside from my kid haha. When I get there I immediately see the terrorist, and he\u2019s holding this revolver that looks like the damn french flag, and I\u2019m not surprised those cucks are funding the muslims now. He runs away pretty much the second he sees my truck, so much for that. There\u2019s a guy on the ground, who looks to have been beaten with a rock. I ring the bell next door and immediately a transvestite attack dog runs up, I shoot it. Resident starts yelling at me it\u2019s against the law to shoot a poor puppy and I say \u201cBitch I am the law,\u201d and laugh because it\u2019s fucking hilarious every time and she\u2019s burbling wah wah<\/em> and that\u2019s when I realize she\u2019s one of those trans perverts, and clearly in on the whole thing, so I cuff her, and as I\u2019m walking her out to the car POP I hear a shot and I go to turn until I realize I\u2019ve been hit in the neck, and I start falling. Tranny runs away, terrorist shoots himself and I\u2019m going down. Wish I\u2019d taken another hit off the pipe first, probably could\u2019ve walked this off.<\/p>\n Most. Fucked. Day. Ever. I get in my car and max out my emergency credit card buying a plane ticket under the only legal name I\u2019ve still got a passport for, like the fifth of ten, \u2018cause there\u2019s this trans commune in Spain that\u2019s got people I can green card marry and a force femme torture basement, Dorley-style, and when I get there I swear I\u2019m going to DBT my brain into mush. Fuckin DEARMAN, Wise Mind, Opposite Action, TIP myself into a cinnamon-scented puddle. So that\u2019s where my brain is at, just thinking, like, I\u2019m going to be a walking index of weirdly-branded emotional tools<\/em>, but it\u2019s not til I get on the plane that I realize, shit, I\u2019m probably an international fugitive. But that\u2019s sexy, right?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Neighbor’s dog was sniffing in my yard today & after a quick transvestigation, it was obvious she used to be a man, so I re-tie the belt on my robe, mutter a quick prayer to the twin towers just like they taught me at school. I mean, shit man, I have kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":23909,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3530],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23036","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-flash-fiction","writer-never-angeline-north"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23036","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23036"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23036\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23912,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23036\/revisions\/23912"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/23909"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23036"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23036"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23036"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}