Swipe left and a Face enters, all purple metallic pants, supportive boots and a baby oiled hairless chest. He\u2019s ready to fight any Heel the caf\u00e9\u2014our ring\u2014might offer. Enter the ring so one day you might receive a gold ring. You\u2019re either supposed to be a star or a star-fucker. Your mother will settle for a star-fucker. Prove yourself by landing the Face of her dreams. The kind who fights for the common man, the underdog, the underprivileged. This Face wants a lovely valet for life, not just a few seasons. In a culture that values shiny new features, the fact that he\u2019s looking for forever means he\u2019s a unicorn. It\u2019s enough to make you swipe.<\/p>\n
But something\u2019s wrong. Your attention keeps getting drawn to the hard-earned, sweat-twisted dollars in his fist from the fulfillment center. Surely, they don\u2019t pay him in physical dollars, so why is he using a prop on you? And as you\u2019re thinking this, another man in shiny pants enters the caf\u00e9 and points at your date. \u201cI\u2019m calling you out!\u201d The man\u2019s voice fills the room like he\u2019s already been mic\u2019d.<\/p>\n
Look, you agreed to a date with a wrestler, but you did not agree to attending a match. Not in a caf\u00e9. Not without fucking ropes and foam padding and referees. Context, boys, is king.<\/p>\n
He continues, \u201cYou\u2019ve been helping the boss man bust our union for your own selfish benefit! Did he promise you Supervisor? Don\u2019t you know that ill-gotten gains can only rot you from the inside?\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course, the Face you swiped on is actually a Heel. This always happens. No one\u2019s who they say they are. Everything\u2019s a scam. You\u2019re fuckin\u2019 sick of it.<\/p>\n
The Heel rises from his seat and points at his challenger. \u201cIt\u2019s not ill-gotten if you worked for it!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t know what hard work is!\u201d<\/p>\n
The Heel lunges and punches the new guy, clearly an actual Face, five times in a row, stamping with each blow as the Face howls in pain. Everyone in the caf\u00e9 is transfixed. A child does a spit-take. A woman has a croissant halfway to her mouth. And you are unimpressed, chewing this pumpkin spice nightmare coffee cake. How long do these things usually last?<\/p>\n
The Face presses the Heel\u2019s arm across his chest and falls backwards. The Heel lands face-first onto the dirty tile floor. He acts like it\u2019s covered in anthrax. Grips his shoulder like it\u2019s been dislocated. Not ready to let it lie, the Face struggles to get to his feet, pulls up the Heel by the neck and slams him into the dreaded caf\u00e9 floor. The Heel appears defeated as the Face does a victory lap high-fiving the child and absorbing the adoration of the crowd. Your date twitches on the floor. It\u2019s night of the living Heel. He rises from the grave of a floor, shaking and red from rage. \u201cIt\u2019s not over yet!\u201d<\/p>\n
The Face twists around as the Heel charges and clotheslines him. They both fall backwards and hit their heads. The match is over, and these dudes are idiots. If you have to enter the ring\u2014and you don\u2019t have to, really, the audience is fun enough\u2014you won\u2019t be a valet to a third-rate villain not even entertaining enough to make it to the big show one day. A local douchebag with big dreams and a loud mouth. You\u2019d rather sit on the sidelines. Or better yet, avoid the ring all together. Stepping over the Heel, you delete the app you met him on, grab the rest of that woman\u2019s croissant, and listen to the barista call a couple of ambulances for the heaving, panting, moaning drama queens on the floor. Everyone applauds.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You\u2019re either supposed to be a star or a star-fucker. Your mother will settle for a star-fucker.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":23148,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3530],"tags":[64,863,144],"class_list":["post-22257","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-flash-fiction","tag-dating","tag-flash-fiction","tag-wrestling","writer-chelsea-stickle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22257","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22257"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22257\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23149,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22257\/revisions\/23149"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/23148"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22257"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22257"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22257"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}