{"id":21458,"date":"2025-04-03T06:46:00","date_gmt":"2025-04-03T10:46:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/?p=21458"},"modified":"2025-04-03T06:46:38","modified_gmt":"2025-04-03T10:46:38","slug":"i-smoke-i-blow-i-smoke","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/flash-fiction\/i-smoke-i-blow-i-smoke\/","title":{"rendered":"I Smoke, I Blow, I Smoke"},"content":{"rendered":"

I lie in my dorm bed, staring at the window fan as it spins. Every night the blades hum and creak until a child cries out\u2014Mommy<\/em>! It rises, ripples, then repeats. I shed my blanket, sit on edge. It\u2019s only the fan. Isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

I slip on a jacket and head down the hall, no lip gloss on, my long hair a mess. Still in my pajamas, I light a cigarette and walk across campus. The restaurants, bars, and liquor lure me to the strip. I dig through my pockets in search of money for vodka, rum, any 100-proof drink. My fingers find my key and a pack with one last cancer stick, not enough cash to feed my bad habits. Maybe it\u2019s time to quit?<\/p>\n

I linger at a stop sign and blow smoke rings with my final drag\u2014perfect circles, round and round. As a guy heads toward me, I wander closer, when any other woman at night would cross the street. He passes by. I never draw danger like the unlucky. Lucky<\/em> me?<\/p>\n

The LED charms on my Crocs light up with my steps, as if sending an SOS. A moth\u2014its wings marked with eyespots resembling drops of ink\u2014lands on my pants dotted with SpongeBob prints. When I move on, its wings flutter over my lights, its eyespots blink, in a Morse I can’t decode. It circles me, as though it has a message to relay. I shoo it away.<\/p>\n

I reach the brick building. I\u2019ll be there tomorrow morning, for an appointment that will last until evening. My boyfriend will take me, he\u2019s offered to pay, even though we split half on our dates. But he\u2019ll wait in the car despite being allowed in. Or maybe he\u2019ll go to get it washed, complaining of stains I won\u2019t see.<\/p>\n

In the brick building, I\u2019ll fill out forms, the date of my last menstruation, my religious affiliation, questions asking me, Are you sure?<\/em> I’ll learn about the procedure through a video, doctor, nurse reassuring me, Of course, you\u2019re sure<\/em>. I\u2019ll change into scrubs, inhale the fumes of rubbing alcohol, listen to the clock’s tick-tock, asking myself, Are you sure?<\/em><\/p>\n

Eventually, I\u2019ll leave.<\/p>\n

A child will emerge from an alley as dark as a cocoon, where the air will carry a baby mobile\u2019s tune. She\u2019ll toddle over in a baptismal dress stitched with lace, with a satin bow wrapped around her waist. She’ll tap her toes in leather Mary Janes and say, Mommy!<\/em> Her voice will ripple like the cries that rise every night on repeat.<\/p>\n

I’ll recognize her and freeze.<\/p>\n

She\u2019ll glance at my boyfriend\u2019s car, pristine from its cleaning. Where\u2019s Daddy?<\/em><\/p>\n

I’ll lift her up, run my fingers through her hair, so she won\u2019t see him sleeping there. I\u2019m so sorry.<\/em><\/p>\n

She’ll blink at me, her eyes inked like the eyespots of the moth from tonight. She\u2019ll decode her Morse and say, It\u2019s okay. Don\u2019t cry.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll hug her in disbelief and grief, over the message of forgiveness she’ll have given me. I\u2019ll tire my arms before I set her down. Behind the brick building, behind the dumpster, she\u2019ll skip around. A circle of children, in their Sunday best, will manifest and become her friends. Through the parking loop, a bus will arrive. She\u2019ll climb aboard and wave goodbye.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll whisper, Sleep tight.<\/em><\/p>\n

Neon signs and music beckon, so I leave and head toward a club, where a guy steps out to smoke. In a plain tee and ripped jeans, he gives off vibes of a guy a girl should walk away from, especially in the middle of the night, all alone. But I don’t. I stop at a streetlamp that casts a spotlight. I light my last cigarette, licking the tingle of menthol on my lips. Should I hit him up for a drink? Maybe I\u2019ll get lucky? Or maybe I should quit?<\/p>\n

I take a final drag and blow my smoke rings, round and round. They drift apart, dissolve, and open\u2014the path to forgiveness is a circle that must be broken.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A child will emerge from an alley as dark as a cocoon, where the air will carry a baby mobile\u2019s tune. She\u2019ll toddle over in a baptismal dress stitched with lace, with a satin bow wrapped around her waist. She’ll tap her toes in leather Mary Janes and say, Mommy! Her voice will ripple like the cries that rise every night on repeat.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":22024,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3530],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-flash-fiction","writer-zenith-knox"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21458"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21458\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22023,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21458\/revisions\/22023"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22024"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}