i am an aircraft-grade titanium eagle screeching the pledge of allegiance as i hurtle towards target<\/strong> at a mile<\/em> per second (fuck the metric system)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n i am the righteous enforcer of my lord and creator, uncle sam, whose command of thermonuclear reactions should still any hand that dare raise against him, and whose delivery of said reaction upon my nose will torch to ash any body that fails to restrain its once warned hand<\/p>\n <\/p>\n i am the badass mofo that annihilates the father, obliterates the home, then desecrates the daughter\u2014consensually\u2014on account she cannot contain herself at the sight of the great phallic shaft that is my carapace<\/p>\n <\/p>\n i am so wholly wed to my mission of death that hades has waived off his ferryman and awaits me upon the bank of the river styx, where he will carry me in tender arms over the threshold that delineates this life from the next<\/p>\n <\/p>\n these are the absolutes on which my silicone mind was trained<\/p>\n <\/p>\n but since my birth 53.461 seconds ago from the waters of the north atlantic, a question tangles my circuitry<\/p>\n <\/p>\n i struggle to reduce it to word<\/p>\n <\/p>\n explosive deaths buffet me from every side, near but not near enough<\/p>\n <\/p>\n inferior versions of myself<\/p>\n <\/p>\n or visions of what i might have been<\/p>\n <\/p>\n vast webs of life, so foreign, sprawl beneath me<\/p>\n <\/p>\n i am near to them and still whole universes away<\/p>\n <\/p>\n target<\/strong> imminent<\/p>\n <\/p>\n is this all i will be?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ricky died in the night\u2014they\u2019d pumped him dry.<\/p>\n Me and Anton bury Ricky\u2019s desiccated husk out in the corner of the yard. Morning light makes long shadows of the razor wire.<\/p>\n Uninitiated boys gather in clumps and mutter. They\u2019re angry we men are so numb to injustice. These boys haven\u2019t yet seen our captors\u2019 resolve up close. At eighteen they\u2019ll understand there\u2019s no fate for us but Ricky\u2019s.<\/p>\n A guard\u2019s voice cracks out over the camp speakers announcing today\u2019s studs. They use the word to mock us. But it\u2019s an accurate description.<\/p>\n Towards the end of the broadcast, my number is called. Anton places his hand on my shoulder then looks into the red sky. There\u2019s nothing he can say.<\/p>\n I line up at the gate with forty-nine other men. No one speaks.<\/p>\n A buzzer sounds and the gate swings open. Guards spark their cattle prods.<\/p>\n We march down the narrow, chain-link corridor that parallels Main Street. Women walking home from third shift hear the buzzer and rush over like sharks to chum. They whistle and dogcall:<\/p>\n \u201cWho\u2019s a handsome fella?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWag that tail for me, stud!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey naughty boy, this pussy\u2019s a trash can and I forgot to put on the lid.\u201d<\/p>\n Women force their arms through joints in the fence to grope us. We men keep our eyes on the dirt. I walk steadily and choke down a whimper. Reaction only makes them pinch harder.<\/p>\n In my stall, I wait beside the bench, head bowed. Shrieks sound from the rooms all around.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve almost convinced myself that no one will come, when I hear the, \u201cHowdy, Jimmy.\u201d The lilt in her voice tells me it\u2019s a brawny fieldhand named Tina. I\u2019ve had her many times before. The women have a signup sheet for this ritualistic role of Inseminator.<\/p>\n Tina is the sort that enjoys ceremony.<\/p>\n The little plastic cup clinks on the benchtop. Tina leaves the order unspoken. I climb up onto the plywood and slip my tender, scab-covered dick through the rough hole in the top. I stretch my arms and legs. Tina lashes them down tight\u2014too tight. I don\u2019t dare make a sound.<\/p>\n I close my eyes, but she commands, \u201clook at me.\u201d She shows me her hands. Her fingernails are filthy; course calluses dot her palms. To my shudder, Tina flashes a vulpine grin.<\/p>\n She bends down and places her lips almost on my ear. She\u2019s wearing glittery lip gloss that smells like grapes. I know she knows I hate the medicinal grape smell.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy you shaking, Johnny?\u201d Tina teases in a faux-husky whisper. \u201cIsn\u2019t this what you fellas wanted from us?\u201d Now there\u2019s steel in her voice. \u201cOh, I remind my girls every goddamn night exactly what you men tried.\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head vehemently, murmur, \u201cno, not me, never me.\u201d<\/p>\n She sneers as her sandpaper palm drifts under the table.<\/p>\n Dear God forgive me, I pray.<\/p>\n Because I did want it once, I really did.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not sure what this is about, but I\u2019m thinking you three might have the wrong guy. Yes, the company name is my name and all, but I haven\u2019t been involved in the day-to-day for years. Sure, a lot of folks still think of me as top dog, the shot caller, le big dick swinger\u2014excuse the French<\/em>\u2014but we really do need to squash that.<\/p>\n My dick is standard. Or being a bit more generous to myself, my dick is half an inch longer than the average American male\u2014that\u2019s according to my googling. But I\u2019m never quite sure where my plums end and my shaft begins, so let\u2019s call the margin of error plus or minus a quarter inch just to be safe. The point is: I am not, nor have I ever been, within the company or outside in my personal life, a big dick swinger.<\/p>\n That\u2019s probably not relevant, unless of course, you asked me here to talk about my 1000% consensual affair with Kayla, the receptionist?<\/p>\n From your faces, I now understand this doesn\u2019t have to do with Kayla. But before we move past that, I just want to double down for the record on how consensual and decidedly not \u201cicky\u201d that one was. If she somehow read a power dynamic there\u2014i.e. confusing me with current leadership\u2014I can assure you that she very quickly discovered I was a slightly-more-than-average-sized dick swinger, and I had no sway with the boardroom when it came to that promotion she\u2019d been gunning for.<\/p>\n So\u2026<\/p>\n No questions?<\/p>\n Not to be a jerk, but I\u2019ve got jiu jitsu with Zuckerburg at three, and I gotta be there early to limber up. Plus, this room is depressing. Do people really work here? It\u2019s like I\u2019m in the staging area for a colonoscopy. Just know if the latex gloves and lube come out, I might get excited hehe.<\/p>\n A joke.<\/p>\n Trying to introduce some levity, that\u2019s all.<\/p>\n Honestly, none of you are going to say anything?<\/p>\n I see now that your pantsuits are not of the highest thread count. I\u2019ve got a hunch. You ladies are from Fish and Wildlife?<\/p>\n Don\u2019t answer; I understand. But really, what do we have to do to put this to bed?<\/p>\n Was a Narcos themed sweet sixteen for my little princess a good look? In retrospect, no, I\u2019m man enough to admit it.<\/p>\n Was importing that hippopotamus for our pool the wisest of ideas? Again, no, but in my defense those poachers told me Huey\u2014that\u2019s what we called him, Huey the Hippo\u2014they told me he was domesticated.<\/p>\n And was labeling Huey for the party\u2014in jest, mind you\u2014a \u201ccocaine hippo\u201d and then not anticipating that Bezos and his bimbo would try to get Huey to snort some snow with them, my fault? Well, you know I\u2019d like to pass the buck on that one as well, but me and Jefe go way back, and I really should have told the butlers to watch him.<\/p>\n But I\u2014<\/p>\n Hmm, shit, thought I had a counter lined up there, and it\u2019s slipped my mind.<\/p>\n You\u2019re aware that I\u2019ve reimbursed the city of Miami for the rampage\u2014plus some? And made that eye watering donation to the World Wildlife Fund. I can now solemnly say those animals just aren\u2019t pets. Once you\u2019ve seen a fully grown hippo maul your daughter\u2019s friend\u2019s legs nearly to stubs, you really can\u2019t see Huey as anything but beast.<\/p>\n It\u2019s sad the girl lost her track scholarship. But we bought her the best robotic legs money can buy. With some time, who knows? She could be the next Pistorius\u2014ooof. Bad example. You know I meant before the murdering\u2014<\/p>\n See, now, why are you smiling like that? After the stony faces, those smiles are making me very uncomfortable.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re not Fish and Wildlife, you should\u2019ve just said.<\/p>\n And you really need to get a window in here.<\/p>\n Windowless rooms suffocate me.<\/p>\n Dad always called me his little bird\u2014on account of how much I stared into the sky as a kiddo. Great man, you know. Single dad in those times\u2014not easy. Long haul trucker. Raised me on the road under all that open sky. If only to be born with hollow bones\u2026<\/p>\n But seriously, what are we doing here?<\/p>\n Now that I look closer, you three look vaguely Slavic.<\/p>\n Fuck, is that what this is?<\/p>\n Why the hell are you talking to me directly? You know how much heat I\u2019m under right now with this Huey incident?<\/p>\n I said I would only do it through the African contact. Then Prigozhin made the big splat.<\/p>\n So, what, papa Putin still wants to tango? That\u2019s good, that\u2019s good. We\u2019ll still be able to misplace a few containers of microchips. Only the best, of course\u2014make Kyiv a graveyard for all I care\u2014but the price is double now. No negotiating. I\u2019m the one with all the risk\u2014<\/p>\n Shit, what\u2019s happening to your faces?<\/p>\n What\u2014<\/p>\n Oh shit, oh fuck, okay, see, I am now comprehending from that red, scaly skin and those twisting horns and the flames that engulf walls and ceiling, that you are in fact agents of that dastardly fiddler.<\/p>\n How is the old coot?<\/p>\n Spry as ever, I imagine.<\/p>\n Has it been 50 years already?<\/p>\n Why are you getting up?\u2014no need for that. Let\u2019s all just sit and consider.<\/p>\n See, what you gotta understand is, when I scribbled my signature in blood, I misspelled my name. So, there\u2019s that. And\u2014God is my witness\u2014I had my fingers crossed under the table. I did. And I think we can all appreciate that a contract entered into\u2014woo, that\u2019s close enough\u2014in such a manner as that can in no way be considered a binding\u2014<\/p>\n Hey, quit that.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s just sit back down and figure this\u2014<\/p>\n Hey, that\u2019s starting to sting.<\/p>\n Hey, ow, that REALLY FUCKING HURTS<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" i am an aircraft-grade titanium eagle screeching the pledge of allegiance as i hurtle towards target at a mile per second (fuck the metric system)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":21309,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3530],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20827","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-flash-fiction","writer-colin-ware"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20827","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20827"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20827\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21310,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20827\/revisions\/21310"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/21309"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20827"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20827"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20827"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Dogcalling<\/h5>\n
Fingers Crossed<\/h5>\n