\u2018Always respect ten-year-olds, Luke. Always.\u2019<\/p>\n
I\u2019m Luke and I turned ten the weekend we left Dad in a mad rush, before Christmas, before I\u2019d ever robbed a house. Now I share a bed in the grey-walled box room where Mam slept when she was my age, with faded My Little Pony stickers peelin\u2019 off a headboard that smells of old dust. I talk to meself in the mirror sometimes now. When Nana\u2019s house is all empty and echoey. And I\u2019m always tellin\u2019 meself I\u2019ll forever respect ten-year-olds, in case I grow up and forget. Most people grow up and forget, far as I can see. Old people\u2019s worries shove other things out of their wrinkly grey heads? important things like talkin\u2019 to ten-year-olds and looking them in the eye.<\/p>\n
Ten-year-olds can sense people\u2019s problems in their walk and their talk. We\u2019re like dogs, trained to the stench of trouble. May as well just tell us what\u2019s goin\u2019 on. Best I can do is promise Mirror Me every day that if I ever have a child I\u2019ll be straight with them, y\u2019know? And I won\u2019t just pick them up from school on a hail-stoned Wednesday and drive to Nana\u2019s and say \u2018this is where we live now, Lukey love\u2019.<\/p>\n
Just once, I want to be in charge, to take action and let everyone else deal with it. Like, if I burned this house down tonight we\u2019d be homeless, but at least I\u2019d be the one who knew it was going to happen.<\/p>\n
Somethin\u2019 I\u2019m learnin\u2019, mainly from listenin\u2019? secretly, on the stairs? to Mam and Nana talking in the kitchen, is that kids are resilient. Rez-ill-yint. Nana says it to Mam when Mam cries.<\/p>\n
\u2018Ah, Emma, they do be very resilient at that age.\u2019
\n\u2018He\u2019ll make new friends? Luke\u2019s a resilient youngfella.\u2019
\n\u2018Children are very resilient, Ems, he\u2019s probably forgot most of what happened already.\u2019<\/p>\n
Kids are resilient. It\u2019s somethin\u2019 old people tell each other so they don\u2019t have to feel guilty when they mess us around. I looked it up on me phone? means you can give us loads of stress and we won\u2019t break. Like one of them bluey see-through shatter-proof rulers.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u2018Always respect ten-year-olds. Always.\u2019<\/p>\n
The more I stare into the mirror, the more I can kinda make out me abs. Swear I\u2019m gettin\u2019 a six-pack. But I\u2019m still a bit \u2018heavy set\u2019, as Nana would say. I get all these videos on me phone now on how to get perfect abs. And I do bicep curls with cans of beans, and then I eat the beans \u2018cos they\u2019re rammed with proteins. Goin\u2019 to get like Ronaldo and Conor McGregor. Eight-pack. Mam already guaranteed me that I\u2019ll get abs when I\u2019m a teenager and not to be worryin\u2019 about it. She used to be right about everythin\u2019. I hope she\u2019s right about this.<\/p>\n
Last time I saw Dad I asked him if he could see me abs. Said nothin\u2019 for ages \u2018cos he gets all sleepy sometimes, like he\u2019s dreamin\u2019 with his eyes open. I shouldn\u2019t have kept askin\u2019 him because he said it makes him mad when I don\u2019t shut me trap. Said I was a round little runt. Said I looked like I\u2019d grow tits sooner than I\u2019d get abs. That was the night him and Mam got in their big scrap, with the worst bad words and all the cryin\u2019. That\u2019s why we moved to Nana\u2019s, I think.<\/p>\n
I hate Dad and I love Dad and I hate that I love him. Maybe he\u2019s the same about me.<\/p>\n
The night after we left Dad, Nana brushed my teeth for me with a new Superman toothbrush. Bit babyish maybe. But he has a serious set of abs on him, Superman. Totally ripped. I got new Superman jammies as well. Jesus, I love them. But I wouldn\u2019t wear them to a sleepover, if I ever got invited to one. And I got a three-pack of pants (dinosaurs, embarrassin\u2019) and new socks (Minecraft, fine). That\u2019s all the clothes I have right now but I\u2019m gettin\u2019 more when Mam gets money or if she can sneak back into the flat where Dad lives.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I go to a mixed school near Nana\u2019s now. Boys and girls. First week in, I met Holly. She\u2019s new as well, and proper funny. Holly tells the truth. About everythin\u2019. Told me her Dad is dead and her mam goes into hospital on the regular. Holly doesn\u2019t know whether her mam is sad because she drinks too much or if her mam drinks too much because she\u2019s sad. \u2018Six of one, half a dozen of the other,\u2019 she says, but I\u2019m not sure what that\u2019s supposed to mean.<\/p>\n
Showed me a faded circle on her hand where a cigarette burned her years ago. I\u2019m ragin\u2019 all me marks are gone. It\u2019s all pain, no gain for me. Some days in Nana\u2019s I put me hand on the kitchen rad and see how long I can keep it there. It\u2019s hoppin\u2019 hot. I hold it tight and concentrate on other things: Mam, Dad, Nana, abs, Holly, Marvel, blood, YouTube, punches, T\u00fasla, Man United, cops, court, Roblox, MMA, Fuck! It\u2019s good to be able to take the hand off when the pain gets too much. Like I\u2019m the Master of Pain, in control, for a few seconds. But if I could leave it long enough to get a scar, I\u2019d have somethin\u2019 to show for me tortures, y\u2019know? It wouldn\u2019t be a lie, really. I\u2019m entitled to be marked.<\/p>\n
Holly was in a \u2018care home\u2019 last summer when her mam was sick?\u00a0 \u2018It wasn\u2019t home and they didn\u2019t care\u2019, she says. But now she lives with her Nana as well. Bein\u2019 a Nana is a full-time job. It\u2019s not like on telly when they show up at Christmas with presents and hugs. Holly says her Nana is mad old and doesn\u2019t give a shite what anyone thinks. She just \u2018tells it like it is\u2019. Which means she\u2019s rude but nobody minds. That\u2019s an old people thing. Mam says our Nana was always that way, like she\u2019s been in trainin\u2019 for her old age since she was a girl. Wish I could tell it like it is, but I\u2019m not sure adults are resilient enough to hear how I\u2019m feelin\u2019. Better to give Mam a bit more time to get used to this \u2018brand new life\u2019 she tells me about, wearing her big sad smile.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Nana asks me every day, more than once, did I make a friend at school. Woman\u2019s obsessed. That means she talks about it all the time. Holly taught me that word and I told her about resilient.<\/p>\n
\u2018Here\u2019s the man of the house now. School good? Any pals yet?\u2019<\/p>\n
I was kinda glad? relieved? to tell Nana about Holly. But Nana acts like Holly doesn\u2019t count. \u2018Oh, he has himself a little girlfriend now,\u2019 she says, and pucks me in the arm. I might not talk about Holly any more to adults. Holly says grown-ups are always goin\u2019 on about boyfriends and girlfriends. When she was in playschool, the teacher did a pretend weddin\u2019 for Holly and this ginger-freckled lad called Liam. Her mistake was to share crayons with him, she said. All of a sudden they had Holly in a little veil made of crepe paper and Liam with a pipe-cleaner flower on his jacket, and the teacher playin\u2019 Here Comes The Bride on her phone.<\/p>\n
Now everyone\u2019s makin\u2019 a big deal about me and Holly like they want me to be her boyfriend. But Holly says it all changes when you\u2019re a teenager. When you\u2019re a teenager, adults suddenly don\u2019t want boys and girls to be friends at all. Holly\u2019s sister\u2019s 14. She was hangin\u2019 out with fellas from her school and the Nana gave out stink to the lads when they called to the house. \u2018Dirty little scuts!\u2019 Nanas all say \u2018boys only want one thing\u2019, and they push their lips out and shake their heads when they say it. (I don\u2019t think the \u2018one thing\u2019 is a killer set of abs.)<\/p>\n
Marryin\u2019 off four-year-olds and complainin\u2019 about teenagers hangin\u2019 out together. Adults can\u2019t make up their minds about some things.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Me Nana is more happy about me makin\u2019 friends with boys on her road though. Boys like Leo and his brother and the brother\u2019s friends. Leo is twelve but small for his age and he stayed back in school, so he\u2019s only a year ahead of me. Same height as I am, but he\u2019s dead strong, I think. I saw his abs when we had a water fight and he had to take off his United jersey \u2018cos his brother was after drenchin\u2019 him. I don\u2019t take off me t-shirt even if it\u2019s wet after water fights. Not until me abs come in.<\/p>\n
Leo\u2019s big brother, Donal, and his friends are dead sound. They have money and cans of Coke and cinema bags of sweets. And they treat me like I\u2019m older. Maybe they tell themselves in the mirror to always respect ten-year-olds. There are six or seven of them and they nearly live in Leo\u2019s garage. Leo says Donal works for his dad. But his eyes go weird when he says it. Like it\u2019s a joke or a lie. Remember what I was sayin\u2019 about sniffin\u2019 out problems? Well, there\u2019s a bang of trouble off the dad. You can feel him in the house even if you don\u2019t know whether he\u2019s there. If he opens the garage door and calls Donal, everyone goes quiet like he\u2019s the Parish priest. Then sometimes Donal comes back, sits down and says nothin\u2019. Other times, he sticks his head back in, nods, and everyone follows him.<\/p>\n
I laugh so much in the garage sometimes that the sides of me face and throat are sore. Once I start, I just can\u2019t stop. I don\u2019t even get all the jokes, but I laugh when they laugh and shout \u2018bullshit\u2019 when they shout bullshit. They were playin\u2019 porn videos on their phone and sayin\u2019 that was what they did to a girl from the estate at the back of ours. I\u2019ve seen sex in films before. Loads of times. I know what it is. But this was something else. All chokin\u2019 each other in one video, and another clip was of an orgy. That\u2019s a new word for me, but I\u2019ll keep it to meself. Not goin\u2019 to impress Holly with that one. I can\u2019t imagine ever doing that sex-fight stuff to a girl I like. And I wonder if me willie is too small for sex anyway.<\/p>\n
Holly sees her Mam every week, like I see me dad. She goes to the hospital with a social worker for an hour; I go to Dad\u2019s flat with Suzie from T\u00fasla? a rich-lookin\u2019 woman with big, smiley eyes, aged between thirty and sixty. A mam but not a nana. Suzie from T\u00fasla says she looks out for kids and tries to give them better relationships with their parents. She\u2019s nice, Suzie, but she\u2019s not doin\u2019 a very good job on me and Dad. It\u2019s only an hour, but it feels like a big long night where you can\u2019t sleep. Dad looks at his phone, never at me. I look at the Casio watch I got from Nana at Christmas. Suzie tries to stay in the background but sometimes she says \u2018Your dad might be interested in your new school,\u2019 so I have to say somethin\u2019 about that. Suzie doesn\u2019t know what Dad\u2019s interested in. And neither do I. He\u2019s not interested in new schools anyways.<\/p>\n
Dad has eyes that look through me. If I can\u2019t have respect, I want his attention. One of these days I\u2019m goin\u2019 to get it, and he\u2019s goin\u2019 to see me.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s very worried all the time now. When Suzie from T\u00fasla rang the door he took ages to answer. He just roared \u2018Who is it t\u2019fuck?\u2019 when she buzzed the second time. Then he opened the door only a small bit and we had to squeeze in like envelopes through a letterbox. He\u2019s convinced someone is tryin\u2019 to kill him, but Suzie says that\u2019s his mind playin\u2019 tricks and there\u2019s nothin\u2019 to worry about. We put another hour in together.<\/p>\n
When it\u2019s over, I feel worse than when I went in, even though I was lookin\u2019 forward to it. It\u2019s never the way I hope it will be, but tomorrow I\u2019ll probably forget about how long and quiet that hour of brain pain was and I\u2019ll look forward to the next one. Like a stupid idiot.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Leo and Donal? and even their Da? are treatin\u2019 me real good lately. Like I\u2019m just one of them. We all work together now. See, Leo and Donal\u2019s dad sometimes has to rob houses. He got hurt in work yonks ago and he has no money unless he takes it off rich fucks. Lads in school say he sells drugs as well but I don\u2019t know anythin\u2019 about that.<\/p>\n
I just have two small jobs: one is to cycle around estates with Leo to see which houses look empty. Then once? or twice? Leo boosted me in an open window because I\u2019m the youngest in our gang, even if I\u2019m not the lightest. I don\u2019t rob anythin\u2019. I just open a door once I get inside, and then I leg it. Especially if an alarm goes off. Leo\u2019s dad has a baton and a knife on him just in case they get caught, so I never want to be there when that happens.<\/p>\n
Every time I help I get a tenner from the Da and we all have a little party back in the garage and play Mario Kart and the new Grand Theft Auto. Leo\u2019s dad is a better dad than my dad. He calls me \u2018son\u2019 sometimes. We both know I\u2019m not his son, but I like when he does it. Means I\u2019m part of the family, y\u2019know?<\/p>\n
I think if I ever got in really big trouble, I could ask Leo or Donal or their Dad to sort it. Trouble has it in for me right now. All the teachers look at me like a criminal, just because they hear things about me family and because of all the fights I\u2019ve been gettin\u2019 in. Some kids think they\u2019re better than me, even the ones that don\u2019t say it to me face. Broke a shatter-proof ruler on Dylan Harold\u2019s elbow for laughin\u2019 at the holes in me school shoes. The screams of him. Dylan needs to build up his resilience.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m angry all the time now. Ragin\u2019. Dunno why or when it started. I even called Holly a \u2018nosy fucken bitch\u2019 for askin\u2019 how yesterday\u2019s visit went with Dad. Now she\u2019s not talkin\u2019 to me. The only one who looked at me straight and treated me right.<\/p>\n
Truth is, the visit went bad. Real bad. Dad wouldn\u2019t sit still. Kept lookin\u2019 out the windows and askin\u2019 me if I was followed. Then he grabbed me by the face with his cigarette hands and started accusin\u2019 me of leadin\u2019 them to his door. Suzie from T\u00fasla shouted \u2018stop\u2019 and he flung a Man United cup at her head. She pulled me out of the flat by the sleeve of me coat and said she\u2019d call the Guards. Dad was roaring\u2019 bad things at me about bein\u2019 fat and he said I was a little faggot? which I know I\u2019m not \u2018cos I\u2019ve seen all kinds of videos and that stuff\u2019s not for me. It was the way he said it though. And then he shouted things about Mam that made me fingers squeeze into a fist and I wanted to scrab his eyes out and bite through his nose until it came loose behind me teeth.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I spend loads of time at Leo and Donal\u2019s and even stay over sometimes. Haven\u2019t seen Nana in a couple of days. Mam\u2019s not good. Some of the things people say about her are true. She might be goin\u2019 the way of Holly\u2019s Mam if she doesn\u2019t wise up. I didn\u2019t go to school today. None of us did, and nobody seemed to notice. Teachers enjoyed their bit of peace, I\u2019d say. See, we have a bit of work on this week. Leo and Donal\u2019s dad needs to get money in a hurry so we have to find at least three houses to do by Friday. It\u2019s not as easy as it sounds, but he\u2019s lookin\u2019 very fucken frowny when we say we only have one, maybe two, that look handy.<\/p>\n
So, I got an idea. Good for him, maybe good for me. I told Leo and Donal\u2019s dad that we already did all the easy houses around our way. But I said there was another estate with a few ground-floor flats that would be dead easy. We\u2019d just have to take a little spin to where I used to live. The wee man with the big plan, Donal called me, and I wished and wished there was another way to get what I want.<\/p>\n
I put the pin code into the gate outside where the apartments are. \u2018Clever little fucker!\u2019 said the dad, rubbin\u2019 me head when he said it. We were all laughin\u2019, even though I was shakin\u2019 with nerves and me voice was all wobbly. Happy and shittin\u2019 meself, I was.<\/p>\n
\u2018Are you sure this gaff is empty, yeah?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Hundred percent,\u2019 I said. \u2018I half-know the fella who lives in it. Works in town. Gone all day.\u2019<\/p>\n
Place is in darkness, curtains drawn as always. It\u2019s at the end of a row of three-storey blocks: a ground-floor one-bed and a double on top. Door is around the side, so nobody can see it. Estate is deserted anyway.<\/p>\n
Here we go.<\/p>\n
No windows open. I knew there wouldn\u2019t be. It takes the dad about ten seconds to rattle the door open? \u2018These locks are a fucken joke,\u2019 he whispers, grinnin\u2019 without front teeth. I hang back on me tippy-toes, dancin\u2019 like a sprinter between warm-ups and the startin\u2019 gun.<\/p>\n
Leo and Donal\u2019s dad strolls into the flat like he\u2019s visitin\u2019 an old friend. Heads straight to the kitchen as if he might stick the kettle on and cut himself a slice of Madeira cake, but instead I hear him pullin\u2019 through drawers and presses. I stay in the hall, actin\u2019 like a lookout, waitin\u2019 for the fireworks.
\n\u2018Da, there\u2019s a wallet here with forty quid in it! And a phone!\u2019 Donal shouts.<\/p>\n
\u2018Get the fuck out!\u2019 the dad roars back. \u2018Where there\u2019s a phone, there\u2019s a man.\u2019<\/p>\n
Then I see him. Me dad, right on time. Baseball bat raised over his head, runnin\u2019 from the bedroom and cryin\u2019 out of his crazy mind. He floors Donal with a smack to the shoulder. Goes to strike again but his backswing catches a lamp. Bulb smashes, the room dims to match the darkness of the moment.<\/p>\n
\u2018Luke?!\u2019<\/p>\n
Pause game.<\/p>\n
My name bounces off the walls. Dad\u2019s eyes, locked onto mine, a sea of confusion. There is no time for his recognition to grow into respect, but I savour it all the same. Spoiled for one sweet moment with attention that cannot last.<\/p>\n
Resume game.<\/p>\n
A deep roar echoes in the air, like a cow close to death. And then Dad\u2019s down, white eyes bulgin\u2019 wide in his head. A puddle of black blood drains from his middle.<\/p>\n
\u2018Go!\u2019 says Leo and Donal\u2019s dad, pullin\u2019 his blade from Dad\u2019s back and haulin\u2019 Donal to his feet.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Leo hands me a burger wrapped in paper and dishes out the chips, but nobody\u2019s eatin\u2019. I feel guilty. Sick in me tummy and in the middle of me heart. Donal has a bruise the size of a sliotar on his shoulder and he can\u2019t lift his arm. Never seen him cry before. I rattle for an hour, wishin\u2019 that bruise was mine, and walk back to Nana\u2019s house where I\u2019m the only one who knows sorry-faced Garda\u00ed are on their way to break the news.<\/p>\n
Maybe tomorrow I\u2019ll feel sad that I don\u2019t have a dad. Holly always says no dad is better than a bad dad. Really hope she\u2019s right. I don\u2019t want to miss havin\u2019 a shit dad.<\/p>\n
Pictures are churnin\u2019 in me mind as I go up the stairs to Nana\u2019s spare room. I look at meself in the mirror and know I\u2019m not just some kid that the world happens to. I\u2019m resilient. A man of action.<\/p>\n
And when I hold me breath, I can defo see at least two abs hidin\u2019 just under me ribs. I\u2019m growin\u2019 up, but I won\u2019t forget.<\/p>\n
Always respect ten-year-olds. Always.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I turned ten the weekend we left Dad in a mad rush, before Christmas, before I\u2019d ever robbed a house. Now I share a bed in the grey-walled box room where Mam slept when she was my age. I talk to meself in the mirror sometimes now. Always tellin\u2019 meself I\u2019ll forever respect ten-year-olds. Most people grow up and forget important things like talkin\u2019 to ten-year-olds and looking them in the eye.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":20900,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[3687,3686,1234,1386,1405,115],"class_list":["post-20391","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-breaking-and-entering","tag-broken-home","tag-coming-of-age","tag-divorce","tag-domestic-violence","tag-growing-up","writer-gary-finnegan"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20391","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20391"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20391\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20903,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20391\/revisions\/20903"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/20900"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20391"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20391"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20391"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}