I was walking a crowded downtown sidewalk when I felt a hand hit mine. A crisp scrap of paper stuck between my fingers. I looked around, but whoever touched me was gone, spun back into the churning swirl of nobodies on the sidewalk. I turned completely around, then kept walking, finally raising the note. Scrawled on it was a time and location. They wanted to sit me down. So we met at a sidewalk caf\u00e9. We sat on the high iron chairs, at a high table. I sat in the shade, my back against the building as always, the sun shaded against the awning and trees lining the street.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo… what up, G-men?\u201d I looked away, bored. They had never wanted to meet face to face like this before, and certainly not in public. I thought maybe they were canceling operations. Or maybe terminating my contract. For good this time. Real good. Maybe they wanted to do it in public, make a big show of it. I\u2019d rather they handle these matters in private, in some musty old brick warehouse somewhere, in some back alley, on a secret plane to nowheresville, maybe tossing my body out over a swamp. There is a dignity to that, a flair to it.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome of us have grown increasingly concerned about you lately,\u201d Main Dude looked into my eyes, as if trying to weigh the measure of my mental state.<\/p>\n
\u201cCooonccccerrrrned,\u201d I slowly whispered to myself, trying the word on for size, really drawing it out.<\/p>\n
\u201cConcerned,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy repeated sternly, as if he were ready to take me out right there.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpecifically, that you haven\u2019t been righteous enough lately,\u201d Main Dude leaned in.<\/p>\n
\u201cRrriiiiighteous,\u201d I tried that one on for size as well, taking its sound out for a nice, smooth little stroll, letting it all hang out there, baby.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019ve you been listening to?\u201d Stupid Helper Guy asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo whatever I damn well please, Jack-o,\u201d I nodded, answering as if I had posed the question to myself, as if it were an existential question regarding your moral code rather than some simple math equation, like: how many eggs do we need to bake this cake?<\/p>\n
\u201cLately…?\u201d Main Dude whispered. \u201cWhat\u2019ve you been down on, my man? What\u2019ve you been groovin\u2019 to?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what we mean,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy tensed up.<\/p>\n
Again, it seemed they were trying to peek inside my noggin, ascertain what I\u2019d been listening to, who I\u2019d been swingin\u2019 with, who I\u2019d been workin\u2019 for, and that info would give an indication as to my general state of mind and thus which way I was planning on leaning in the near future.<\/p>\n
\u201cMingus?\u201d Stupid Helper Guy asked. \u201cAny Mingus at your crash pad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, I don\u2019t really remember,\u201d I drew up a big, dramatic breath. \u201cDaddy-o.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve been observing your behavior… For the past two weeks…\u201d Main Dude looked around.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere\u2019s Carl?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarl?\u201d Main Dude asked, as if I interrupted his train of thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarl\u2019s not available, man. We don\u2019t know where Carl be,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe busy,\u201d Main Dude stated flatly. \u201cUn Available. Dig?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d I exhaled. \u201cWhere Carl be at, Dude of mine?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure he\u2019s cool,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy looked me over. \u201cYou needn\u2019t be concerned with his affairs. Worry if you\u2019ll see tomorrow, secret keeper.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked around. I noticed a big ol\u2019 jive turkey milling about down the block, looking the other direction, checking things over. And right then I knew he was with Main Dude, maybe here to contain me, maybe lay me down for the big nap.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s fine. Really,\u201d Main Dude leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, where he at?\u201d I shrugged. \u201cI needs to know, dude-a-reeno.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s not available at this time,\u201d Main Dude looked down the block.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can see that,\u201d I folded my arms tightly. \u201cCan\u2019t you see that I can see that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re changing the subject,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy stated, his voice a modulated monotone.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo I\u2019m not, you are. You\u2019re the one who\u2019s changing the subject,\u201d I threw my cup down the sidewalk in protest.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow he\u2019s being argumentative,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy looked over to Main Dude as if to indicate that he had predicted such an outcome.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarl\u2019s off fighting one of the secret wars,\u201d Main Dude sighed. \u201cI\u2019m sure he\u2019s fine. Fine-a-reeno.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a silence, me holding out, being stubborn until I got a more specifics.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need to secure access to a rubber processing plant,\u201d Main Dude sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor one of the secret projects,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy added.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo we sent him in,\u201d Main Dude finished.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut right now, we\u2019d like to discuss you,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy pointed. \u201cWe\u2019re concerned you\u2019ve been dabbling in Mingus\u2019s earlier, less righteous works. And we just wanted to meet with you face to face to express our concerns.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tightened up, looked away. \u201cOh, yeah, hey, well, Big Daddy, you just do that then,\u201d I muttered.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe will. And with a sense of purpose,\u201d Main Dude nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cConceeerrrrrrrrnnnnns,\u201d I sang to the air, to myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou might try out for another crew,\u201d Main Dude offered as a potential example. \u201cMaybe a different set of cats to groove with.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho are you to decide what I swing to, baby?\u201d I looked over and glared at them, sitting in their uptight suits and being so ungroovy that it hurt to be around them.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re your friends,\u201d Stupid Helper Guy stated flatly. \u201cWhat you do is a reflection on us. Dig-o-ramma.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe care about you,\u201d Main Dude whispered. \u201cAbout all the positive and negative influences out there,\u201d he looked around dramatically. \u201cNever know who might be creepin\u2019 into your own little crib,\u201d he nodded down to my arms, which were both encased in plaster casts from my wrists to my elbows.<\/p>\n
I thought about this for a moment. \u201cJust some secret Mingus recordings, that\u2019s all. Nothing too heavy, Daddy-o. Just lots of subliminal messages and instructions\u2014from on high, that\u2019s all,\u201d I got up, slid off the tall metal chair and walked off, down the sidewalk. \u201cNuthin\u2019 of your concern,\u201d I looked back. \u201cIt\u2019s not like they tell you all everything there is to know either… Compartmentalization… Dig it, man.\u201d<\/p>\n
Across the street a car door opened and some young betties hopped out. They crossed the street at an angle to meet me. They were wearing bandanas over the lower part of their faces, tied around the back of their heads to obscure their identities. They carried sawed-off twelve gauge pump-action shotguns. One had a sawed-off submachine gun (The guns had markings stenciled in white on their barrels\u2014indicating they once belonged to several different local law enforcement agencies. The local authorities are not big on advertising the fact that occasionally a carload of their firearms might happen to go missing).<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, look what we have here,\u201d the last one opened her arms, commenting on my appearance,[1] \u201cFinally takin\u2019 a more pro-active role, becoming that \u2018knuckle merchant\u2019 we always felt you could be,\u201d she teased (I liked that about her\u2014that she\u2019d notice me, comment about me, think to tease me). \u201cTakin\u2019 a more hands-on approach to your affairs now, are we?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever life offers,\u201d I gestured to the streets. \u201cI guess you just have to graciously accept.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you\u2019re alive,\u201d she drew up a real big deep daddy-o breath. \u201cI guess that\u2019s a reflection on something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever helps make the world go \u2018round,\u201d I shrugged.<\/p>\n
Two of the girls stopped, crouching back-to-back in the street, each scanning down one end of the block. The third and fourth walked up to me. The third knelt and looked up, scanning the windows of the buildings above as if sniper fire was imminent. The last one approached and held out a small piece of paper. I took it, unfolded it, looked it over, handed it back, and nodded. She looked me in the eyes, then turned and headed back to the car, cool struttin\u2019 an alligator boogaloo as always.[2]<\/p>\n
Main Dude came up from behind. \u201cWhat was that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGot a call from on high,\u201d I gestured to their car, obviously a borrowed nondescript sedan, as the girls hustled back inside. \u201cSome cat ain\u2019t bein\u2019 righteous an\u2019 must be shown the way to enlightenment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHhmmm,\u201d Main Dude watched the car squeal off. \u201cRing his bell?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGotta go make some trouble,\u201d I nodded to the car. \u201cPunch his ticket, Ray. Real tight, you see. Real tight.\u201d<\/p>\n
The car sped down the block, spun around in the intersection a few times, all squealing tires and smoke, then jetted back this way, swerving to rocket past as we continued down the walk. It was late afternoon and neither of us was thinking about our secret wars. I guess I was just enjoying the afternoon\u2014the sky, the patterns, the hidden possibilities in every window, in every soft shadow, behind any door, around any corner.<\/p>\n
Finally, the Main Dude sighed, \u201cSo, tell me about this other Mingus.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLooks like they\u2019re cookin\u2019 up a real blue fungus on this one, man. A real lurching Lester. Like us that time in Algiers, but without the powdered wigs. . . . What a gasser, man.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey gonna potato farm some banana club?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t know, my man,\u201d I squinted. \u201cProlly just gonna Rufus some Benji. Like you and me in Toulouse, Marrakech, Tangier, but without the clowns and baby giraffes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Yeah,\u201d Main Dude sighed, relieved. \u201cThat makes sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt does. It does,\u201d I nodded. \u201c…as much as anything makes sense anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
Actually, I had been neglecting my work lately, or at least not taking as much joy in it as I should. Perhaps it was the warm weather. Weather can do that, can make you dreamy. Perhaps it was that girl with the ice blue eyes, high cheek bones, splatter of tiny freckles, handkerchief over her face. Maybe the mystery of her had me distracted\u2014who she was, where she was from, who she really worked for.<\/p>\n
Main Dude walked silently beside me, staring ahead. I wondered why he hadn\u2019t taken me out yet. Perhaps he was still thinking about it, still planning. Or perhaps it was the weather.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
[1] Both my arms were in casts, I had a decidedly blackened eye, a purple lip, and scrapes on my face. People suspected my current appearance was from recent fisticuffs, but what they didn\u2019t know was that one of the broken arms and the scrapes were from one of those old, heavy wooden ladders, a real tall one, that had fallen on me while I was helping a neighbor paint her garage. The rest of the bruises and injuries were actually from two separate altercations\u2014a guy tried to strangle me with a wire (I got my thumb stuck in his eye socket), then a woman in a ski mask tried to snap my neck with her thighs. Both ended up in the river, one with a snapped neck, the other with pokey-pokey hurties all over. It had been a busy week in the trade, although her implication was correct\u2014it was unseemly for me to be parading about with such up-front advertisements for my vocation.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
[2] She was that one. Always that one. For some reason time always stood still when she was around\u2014the one with the high cheekbones, the ice blue eyes, the curves, the shadows. Part of the mystery was that I only knew her this way\u2014with most of her face concealed. And me, just left there exposed. Her knowing me. Me not allowed to know her. It was like some game. And that made the tension even more anxious. I wanted her all the more. I wanted to know the rest of that face, run my palm over those sharp cheekbones, hold them, feel that they\u2019re real. I wanted her to preach her sermon to me, the sermon of her eyes, those eyes cookin\u2019 up something, those cookers.<\/p>\n
I mean, it wasn\u2019t just that juju walk of hers, purposeful, Bennie-Green-back-on-the-scene. Dig it man, a real blue walk, an\u2019 by a bad fine momma. A real midnight special, Ray. A genuine night dreamer. And then her congregation of hair blowing in the wind, like an answer to all your forgotten dreams rushing back in an easy walkin\u2019 new conception of black fire. Oh, man, it\u2019s everything all at once, man \u2014all of it, a real swirl of colors, like a night in bird land, a free pass to her secret soul, a real drifter, man. And everything else disappearing.<\/p>\n
I mean it\u2019s just me and her eyes in that moment, dig. When she hands me that slip, those ice blue cookers just above the handkerchief, riding them high cheeks, working their work on me. Just me an\u2019 her eyes, baby, an\u2019 nuthin\u2019 else.<\/p>\n
The worst is when she spins and leaves. I hate that part\u2014just gazes into my eyes an\u2019 then she\u2019s gone, man. I hate that when she leaves like that, like something\u2019s left just hangin\u2019 in the air like that\u2014just there, an\u2019 in a flash she\u2019s real gonesville man, leaving me feeling like someone\u2019s squeezing my insides \u2018til I\u2019m a dried-out rein.<\/p>\n
And I follow her in all the reflections\u2014her cat walk in the windows, an\u2019 windshields, slidin\u2019 down the shiny sides of cars, slippin\u2019 away, searchin\u2019 for a new land, an there ain\u2019t nuthin\u2019 no hip cat can do about it, Jack. No way. No how. A real blue moan left to ring out in a pure holler. Ho daddy.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I thought maybe they were canceling operations. Or maybe terminating my contract. For good this time. Real good. Maybe they wanted to do it in public, make a big show of it. I\u2019d rather they handle these matters in private, in some musty old brick warehouse somewhere, in some back alley, on a secret plane to nowheresville, maybe tossing my body out over a swamp. There is a dignity to that, a flair to it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":20488,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[3568,1967,140,3567,1532,165,671,13],"class_list":["post-20026","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-bosses","tag-jobs","tag-love","tag-secret-agents","tag-secrets","tag-unrequited-love","tag-war","tag-work","writer-tony-rauch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20026","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20026"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20026\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20489,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20026\/revisions\/20489"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/20488"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20026"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20026"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20026"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}