After the background check, ethics compliance contract, dinner break at Burger King, and the third-party witness form are approved three hours later, the weary customer grabs the pen.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, once I sign, it\u2019s a lifetime drive? Like, you go anywhere with me, even with family?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCorrect, sir,\u201d the dealer says. With his ironed polo, broad glasses, and wavy moussed hair, he\u2019s a freshly drawn cartoon character.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you just, live in my vehicle?\u201d The customer flips the pen around in his fingers. \u201cIt\u2019s nuts how I came here for just a test drive and now\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m ready when you are,\u201d the dealer says.<\/p>\n
Someone emits a bubbly fart. Three seconds long. A possible shart.<\/p>\n
The dealer\u2019s name is Deron Givings, 24 years old. A community college dropout, he claims he can finish his degree at any time, but he\u2019s since studied to be a used car dealer. Not just any shyster, though. He made it his life\u2019s goal to obtain the Ultimate Customer Satisfaction rating by J.D. Power. The flatulence lingers and the men sniff, then cough. They\u2019ve known each other long enough and the stakes are too high.<\/p>\n
The dealership is otherwise empty, but the owner knows this signing requires the utmost focus. The plushiest seats were moved from the accounting office as they ate dinner. The fluorescents flicker over their spacious cubby. The designated third-party inspector is still there, too. Just some dude from the DMV. He\u2019s asleep off to the side and snores like sawing wood. Enough to warrant a doctor\u2019s visit. Food waste and a clipboard are by his feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay. Well, uh, here I go.\u201d The customer stabs the pen into the copy paper and\u00a0makes an inky dent. \u201cI\u2019m going to sign this very extensive and comprehensive document. Right now, at 8:18 P.M. Are you watching?\u201d<\/p>\n
Deron leans in to watch. Nose, jaw, neck. He watches every looping swirl, every jagged slash. The customer\u2019s name is eight syllables long and he does his best to make every letter legible. After the bulk of his name is written, he goes back to cross the T’s, and dot the I’s. A long sigh shoots out of the customer\u2019s nose. The pen falls from his cramped hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe. Are. Done.\u201d<\/p>\n
Deron shoves his wheeled leather chair back, crouches, and leaps into the air. He has an unnatural hangtime. He shoots his arm high over his head. It almost looks like he will punch the drop ceiling. Oh, wow, a few inches away! Truly, he is from a cartoon. The customer flinches at the display of acrobatics. He puts his hand over his heart in a dramatic fashion.<\/p>\n
The inspector is shocked awake and kicks the clipboard and trash asunder. \u201cBy gawd!\u201d<\/p>\n
Deron\u2019s voice squeaks like he is experiencing mozzarella sticks, Hot Wheels, and boobs for the first time and all at once. \u201cAfter three years, this is really happening! Is\u2026is this a new record?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBeats me,\u201d the customer says. His hand still rests over his thumping heart.<\/p>\n
Deron cocks his hips and swings a key fob with an inventory tag on his finger. His other hand is on his waist. \u201cOne freshly detailed, Dealer\u2019s Select. Chev-row-lay Su-burb-an LTD. It\u2019s like the Batmobile! Can\u2019t wait to tell my dad about this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy don\u2019t we wrap this momentous occasion up, lad?\u201d the inspector chimes in.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, yes! I still need to pack my bug-out bag. Onesie, craft beer bottles, first aid kit, iPod. Hope you have towels, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow-wee\u2026can figure that out,\u201d the customer groans.<\/p>\n
Deron nods fast like a woodpecker. His oversized suit whooshes as he vanishes into the back offices. The inspector, however, whistles a tune as he cleans up after them all. It\u2019s more a siren\u2019s song than a Billboard Top 100 track. The popping of knees ensues as he stands erect again.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s so energetic, that Deron,\u201d the customer says to the inspector.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is my second career lifetime drive inspection, pal,\u201d the inspector says.<\/p>\n
The customer rises and shakes the inspector\u2019s hand. \u201cOh yeah? What about your first?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThese lifetime drives are a paternal tradition. His father\u2019s corpse is still in the back I bet.\u201d<\/p>\n
The customer\u2019s mouth goes slack, and his hand goes limp. \u201cWait, clause 32(a) was wrong about bodily remains?\u201d<\/p>\n
The inspector makes a gnarly guffaw and pats the customer on the back. He tosses the trash out and heads for the exit. \u201cRelax. His girlfriend\u2019s expecting a boy soon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDamn, guess I\u2019m daddy now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGet used to it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Deron\u2019s studied to be a used car dealer. Not just any shyster, though. He’s made it his life\u2019s goal to obtain the Ultimate Customer Satisfaction rating by J.D. Power. Someone emits a bubbly fart. The flatulence lingers and the two men sniff, then cough. They\u2019ve known each other long enough and the stakes are too high.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":20043,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[3422,3423,3424],"class_list":["post-19481","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-carsales","tag-daddy","tag-lifetime","writer-josh-dale"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19481","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19481"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19481\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20045,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19481\/revisions\/20045"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/20043"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19481"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19481"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19481"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}