Suegro got bit by a rat last night. Suegro is my Mexican father-in-law. We all live together here in Hermosillo now that Natalia\u2019s been deported from the United States. I packed up our stuff and followed her. I\u2019d follow her anywhere. We don\u2019t know what we\u2019re going to do. No more working at McDonald\u2019s for Natalia. No more driving a cab for me. Suegro was at his security guard post outside the Casa de los Soldados and he reached down into his bag to get a burrito. A rat was in there eating his burrito. Rats eat very quietly. Sneaky little bastards. The rat didn\u2019t want to share the burrito and gave Suegro a chomp on the hand. Now he\u2019s got to go to the doctor again because he\u2019s scared of the rabies. It\u2019s always something with Suegro.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s eternally complaining that he needs new shoes. Natalia and I have bought him new shoes many times. When we lived in Arizona, we always had money for new shoes. But he never likes the shoes that he\u2019s given. Everywhere he goes, it\u2019s the same refrain. He\u2019ll visit Emma and Emma will say, \u201cHow\u2019s it going, Apa?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need some new shoes.\u201d<\/p>\n
And when he visits Isabela.<\/p>\n
\u201cHija, I need some new shoes. How come nobody will buy me any new shoes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cApa, we just bought you some new shoes last week.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re too heavy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sofia came over to the house the other day. Sofia is kind of fat but still pretty. Natalia and I and Suegra and Suegro were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking instant coffee with powdered creamer. The milk had run out. Suegra had some tamales steaming in the big pot. Suegra is my mother-in-law.<\/p>\n
Sofia said, \u201cApa, how are you feeling today?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need some new shoes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everybody at the table rolled their eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t Isabela just buy you some new shoes?\u201d Sofia said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re too heavy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about the shoes we bought you?\u201d Natalia said.<\/p>\n
\u201cToo tight.\u201d<\/p>\n
At the house Suegro always wears the same old rubber sandals. He doesn\u2019t walk, he shuffles, he scoots his feet across the floor, like he\u2019s cross-country skiing.<\/p>\n
Sofia stood up from the table and walked in circles shuffling her feet like Suegro.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need some new shoes, how come nobody will buy me any new shoes? Nobody loves me or they\u2019d buy me some new shoes\u2026\u201d she said in a grouchy gruff voice.<\/p>\n
Sofia the clown. Even Suegro was laughing. He dabbed his eyes with his red bandana.<\/p>\n
Suegro looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got some ungrateful daughters,\u201d he said. \u201cNo respect.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not the shoes,\u201d Suegra said. \u201cIt\u2019s your old feet. You need some new feet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing wrong with my feet,\u201d Suegro said.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust look at them!\u201d Suegra said. \u201cThey\u2019re all fat and crusty! And look at your toenails! You need to cut them once in a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I just had some good shoes, I\u2019d be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve got a closetful!\u201d Suegra said.<\/p>\n
The daughters have brought shoe catalogues over and they\u2019ve gone through them with Suegro, page by page, looking at all the styles and colors and making sure the size was right. Every time someone brings him new shoes he puts them on and says they\u2019re perfect, he loves them. But in a day or two he\u2019s changed his mind.<\/p>\n
Emma hauled him off to the shoe store last month. Somehow when he\u2019s in public he walks normal, he\u2019s a damned ballerina, he puts on a show, flirts with the ladies. He tried on a pair.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I like these, these are good shoes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re sure?\u201d Emma said.<\/p>\n
\u201cSi, these are the ones.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you to be complaining tomorrow that you don\u2019t like them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m gonna sell all those shoes if you don\u2019t want them,\u201d Suegra said.<\/p>\n
\u201cGo ahead and sell them, you crazy old woman,\u201d Suegro said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe might just sell you too!\u201d Sofia said.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit,\u201d Suegra said. \u201cNobody would buy him!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe a rich gringo would buy me and take me to the United States?\u201d Suegro said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOk,\u201d Natalia said. \u201cYour birthday is coming up, I\u2019ll buy you some new shoes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re my favorite daughter,\u201d Suegro said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow old are you going to be?\u201d Sofia said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, eighty\u2026eighty-five\u2026\u201d Suegro said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re seventy-three!\u201d Suegra said. \u201cPinche Huichol!\u201d<\/p>\n
Suegro looked at me. \u201cSee what I have to put up with?\u201d he said. \u201cWhy couldn\u2019t I have had a son?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve got a son!\u201d Suegra said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmmph. Well, he never bought me any new shoes. What good is he?\u201d<\/p>\n
In the middle of all this, my brother-in-law Arturo showed up on his motorbike. Arturo loves his motorbike. It\u2019s good on gas. He\u2019s always about town, popping in here and there, zip, zip, in and out of traffic, cutting corners, up on the sidewalk, he zigs and he zags, he zags and he zigs, he\u2019s a bumblebee, big fat Arturo on his little motorbike, beep beep! He uses his motorbike to do his collections for the collection company. But he makes a lot of pit stops. He lands on every flower in town. Arturo knows when people are making tamales. He\u2019s got a sixth sense. Antennas twitching in the air. The second the lid of the tamale pot is lifted, there\u2019s Arturo at the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cQue tal, Arturo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood, good, how is everybody?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need some new shoes,\u201d Suegro says.<\/p>\n
\u201cWorking, Arturo?\u201d Natalia says.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlways, always.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe tamales are ready, Arturo, how\u2019d you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust lucky, Suegra.\u201d<\/p>\n
The steaming green corn masa fork-firm in the husk. A bit of cheese and a green chile in the middle.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want some eggs, too, Arturo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, that\u2019s ok.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPues, two I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arturo gets around. He\u2019s a professional visitor. Nobody needs the newspaper, we\u2019ve got Arturo. Cacharpas\u2019 house in the morning, Suegra\u2019s at noon, Isabela\u2019s later on, his brother\u2019s, his nephews\u2019, number 1,2,3,4 and 5. Every burrito hustler and taco slinger in town knows Arturo. He sits down at the kitchen table, chair creaking. Old roly-poly, pork-pie, round face nibbled with freckles. Arturo is what\u2019s known as a \u201cguero,\u201d a Mexican who doesn\u2019t have the more common dark skin and black hair. His hair was red until it all fell out. His Grandpa was a German. He\u2019s not as white as I am, but he\u2019s close. He\u2019s pushy and he\u2019ll con you, but that\u2019s normal. He\u2019s always got an angle, a plan. He talks a good line, but he\u2019d give you the shirt off his back or the shoes off his feet. His nose is always running, he sniffs and sniffs, all that pollen. Rheumy eyes a\u2019twinkling.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoesn\u2019t Emma ever feed you, Arturo?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen she\u2019s in the mood.\u201d<\/p>\n
Natalia was at Arturo\u2019s the other day talking to Emma.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Arturo? Where\u2019s he at?\u201d Natalia asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho knows?\u201d Emma said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs he working?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWorking, that\u2019s a laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arturo came home while Natalia was still there.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell isn\u2019t this a miracle,\u201d Emma said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, I\u2019ve been slaving my ass off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, brother.\u201d Emma said. \u201cYou\u2019ve got tamale on your chin.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arturo wiped it off. He went into the bathroom for a few minutes. When he came out he said, \u201cWell, I\u2019m off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHold on,\u201d Emma said. \u201cWe need some things from the store.\u201d<\/p>\n
She handed him a list.<\/p>\n
\u201cChingado,\u201d Arturo said. \u201cAnd the money for all this crap?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re working, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s been slow this morning. Nobody wants to pay their bills.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSpeaking of that,\u201d Emma said, \u201cthe light bill is overdue, too. You need to go down to the office or they\u2019re going to cut it off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus! This is why I never come home during the day. How am I supposed to do my job if I\u2019ve got to do all this other stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n
He was mumbling to himself as he walked out the door and climbed onto his motorbike. Beep, beep! There was a taco stand near the office where the light bills were paid. Chato\u2019s Chicharrones.<\/p>\n
On his days off, Arturo washes his motorbike with great care. He uses a toothbrush. He polishes the tailpipe, oils the seat, hoses the gravel out of the tires, shines the mirror. His baby, his meal-ticket.<\/p>\n
Years ago, Arturo inherited some money when his mother died. He started a car wash, complete with pressure hoses, all the latest scents and waxes. Things went well for a while, the money was coming in, cars lined up to the street. Arturo moved like his ass was on fire. He hired his brother and his cousin. Scrub-a-dub-dub! Ring-around-the-rosies! But, then they started to get sloppy. All the family came in and he would wash their cars for free. They started drinking beer while they were working, having parties at night. Party at the car wash! More and more people got wind of it and wanted free car washes and free beer. They set up a big grill and made carne asada. Free tacos! Some days they wouldn\u2019t even open up, they\u2019d just sit around and drink and listen to music. One day they hired a couple of strippers. Why not? Hot in the summer in Hermosillo. They soaped those slinky broads down, hosed them off, sat them in their laps, tickled their titties. Every boy, man and dog in the barrio was there. He hired a mariachi band, an accordion player, a big tub of Bacanora punch. Some roughnecks dropped by, windows were broken, shots fired, someone got knifed, they washed the blood down the drain. Hoot hoot! It went on for a week.<\/p>\n
One day a bill collector showed up at the car wash. The water bill was enormous and hadn\u2019t been paid. Arturo bought some time by getting the collector drunk, but soon after, others came. The water was shut off. Then the electric was shut off. The music died.<\/p>\n
\u201cParty\u2019s over,\u201d Arturo said.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when he got a job with the bill collecting agency. Arturo always lands on his feet. He\u2019s always got a scheme. Gold. Silver. Buy low, sell high. A little skimming off his employer, they\u2019ll never be the wiser. Fuck The Man! Family first. He\u2019s an idea guy. Ideas come to him while he scoots around on his motorbike. Putt putt. Used cars. Imports. Exports. Turquoise from the lower regions. Bootleg Bacanora from the back room. Storage facility. Hot dog stand. Computer repair. Copper recycling. Furniture restoring. Guitar lessons. Arturo\u2019s a dreamer, we all love him. If you need someone to come pick you up in the middle of the night, he\u2019ll be there. Car breaks down, he\u2019s on it. Need any spiritual advice? Arturo\u2019s got it. Need a grave dug? Christmas lights don\u2019t work right? Arturo\u2019s got you covered. No shit, he\u2019d give you his bed, his last breath of air. He\u2019s not ashamed to cry. He\u2019d wander into a tornado to save a kitten.<\/p>\n
But that doesn\u2019t mean he doesn\u2019t dish out the bullshit. Always joking, he can\u2019t help himself.<\/p>\n
Suegra grabbed her broom and started sweeping. We all munched our tamales and eggs.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many miles to the gallon you get on that thing, Suegra?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShut up, pendejo,\u201d Suegra said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNatalia,\u201d he said, \u201cI just came over to take Mateo to the table dances.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cKeep it up, Arturo,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on, Mateo! The girls are waiting.\u201d<\/p>\n
He winked at me.<\/p>\n
Life wouldn\u2019t be the same without him.<\/p>\n
Or any of them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Arturo loves his motorbike. It\u2019s good on gas. He\u2019s always about town, popping in here and there, zip, zip, in and out of traffic, cutting corners, up on the sidewalk, he zigs and he zags, he zags and he zigs, he\u2019s a bumblebee, big fat Arturo on his little motorbike, beep beep!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":19057,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19054","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","writer-mather-schneider"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19054","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19054"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19054\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19058,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19054\/revisions\/19058"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19057"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19054"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19054"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19054"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}