Pete has a pair of Jesus socks, like he can walk on broken glass and not feel a thing. One of them\u2019s really saggy, but they\u2019re both equally powerful. But does Pete put his Jesus socks to use? Does he go wade into hot lava to save babies or rescue damsels from burning buildings with his Jesus sock protected toes?<\/p>\n
Are you kidding? Pete never so much as tries to step on a nail.<\/p>\n
We tell Pete, \u201cYou know, there\u2019s only so long you can resist the call of adventure before bad things happen. One day you\u2019re going to need your Jesus socks, and they won\u2019t be there, because you never let yourself need them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI use my Jesus socks plenty,\u201d Pete scoffs. \u201cI rob banks!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d we say.<\/p>\n
\u201cTwenty-three of them so far! Why do you think the left one is so saggy? I use it as a hat, and I crash into the walls, ideally of banks, with my head!\u201d<\/p>\n
We just stare at Pete, then at each other for a moment, then the atheists among us begin gloating: not a miracle, those Jesus socks of his, because Pete is not a saint. Not Jesus socks after all, only technological secret science socks. Still powerful, but always with the weak heel.<\/p>\n
Oh, where did you ever get those socks, Pete? And how come you never pick up the tab?<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when the Devil shows up, because that\u2019s what the Devil does when you spend too much time on the subject of Jesus socks. The Devil says, \u201cAsk him what he does with the other sock.\u201d But we ignore the Devil, because that\u2019s what you\u2019re supposed to do or the Devil starts thinking we\u2019re all pals.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yeah?\u201d says Bob, who still believes. \u201cIf those aren\u2019t the very socks of Jesus, how come you\u2019ve never been caught despite all your so called \u2018bank robberies\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I\u2019m lucky,\u201d Pete asserts.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when we all smirk. \u201cThere\u2019s no such thing as luck,\u201d Bob says. \u201cEven the most technologically adept of James Bond villains eventually gets caught. But not you, because those are Jesus socks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you think so, Bob,\u201d says the Devil. \u201cThen maybe you should kiss them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey are the socks of Jesus after all,\u201d we nonbelievers tell Bob.<\/p>\n
So Bob kneels, because Bob really believes.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow kiss the other sock,\u201d the Devil whispers, like he\u2019s turned on or something. \u201cThe sagging one. Pete\u2019s favorite. Isn\u2019t it as soft as a lover\u2019s sighs?\u201d<\/p>\n
We all pay more attention to the sagging Jesus sock. \u201cWhat do you do with it, Pete?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you\u2019re not busy robbing banks?\u201d<\/p>\n
Pete blushes twenty-three shades of red.<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck each and every one of you,\u201d he sputters. \u201cI give all the money to charity.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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