The detective with the Mario Brothers\u2019 mustache stared blankly at me and that manly caterpillar on his face rose and fell as he moved gum in his mouth from side to side. It was mesmerizing and made me stare at his mouth when he spoke like I was watching one of those dubbed Kurosawa films. Officer Caterpillar, that\u2019s what I called him, not to his face of course, sat across from me smelling of spearmint gum and Gentleman\u2019s Talc, while the tall officer, skinny as a ferret in his slimming, metrosexual suit, leaned on the table with his poisonous algae-green tie hanging in my face. The color alone was a chi succubus. Poor guy also had thinning hair and a pasty complexion.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, Pal,\u201d The Ferret said. \u201cWe can\u2019t help you unless you give us something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe last time I saw the doc was outside her office,\u201d I said for the second time. \u201cLike a week ago. I swear. Truth be told, I\u2019m harmless. A pacifist.\u201d<\/p>\n
The white interrogation room had one black tinted window and one door. Sweat crawled down my forehead and tickled my nose. I scratched it with the cast on my left arm. My right arm was handcuffed to the tabletop. They usually put the cuffs around both wrists, but they couldn’t get the cuff around my cast. My right cheek throbbed where my face hit the pavement, courtesy of an overzealous cop. The two detectives fired questions at me but wouldn\u2019t reveal why I had been arrested. Then we had this revolving door conversation. Why am I here? You know why you\u2019re here. No, I really don\u2019t. We think you do. Finally, I asked for some herbal tea or spring water and explained that I\u2019d been working in the sun all day and was dehydrated. The Ferret left and returned with a Coke in a red can with cold sweat droplets clinging to it. He popped it in my face and I could smell the caramel, sweetness of it and I shouted, \u201cNo thank you, Eve,\u201d to make an impression. That was kind of a biblical reference, but he knew what I meant. \u201cI\u2019m not going to desecrate my body.\u201d Sure, I\u2019d polluted my body plenty. But that wasn\u2019t me anymore. It was just another temptation put in my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, go thirsty,\u201d he said, picking up the soda and drinking it right in front of me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can see your dirty pores,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell\u2019s wrong with this guy?\u201d The Ferret said to the Caterpillar who sat there with his amazing Tesseract mustache, forcefully chomping on gum. It was a pure testosterone appendage.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did you have it out for the doc?\u201d the Caterpillar said. \u201cRevenge?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a pacifist,\u201d I repeated. \u201cBesides, me and the doc had a little thing going. It was progressing slowly.\u201d I didn\u2019t want to let on that I was madly in love with the idea of this woman. She was svelte, rigid, and pale with harsh Germanic features.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe had a restraining order on you.\u201d The Caterpillar slid an official looking document across the table. \u201cAnd you went to her office and threw a brick through her window. Luckily no one was hurt or killed.\u201d<\/p>\n
I heard thunder outside. It was raining. Hot Florida rain, creating the perfect environment for algae growth, which meant that while I sat here captive, pools were turning green. These guys were going to sink my business.<\/p>\n
The Ferret popped me in the head. \u201cHey idiot. Wake up. Are you, daydreaming?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m deep in thought trying to solve this case,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
These guys were posers. They had never heard of Executive Functioning Syndrome. It\u2019s how some of the greatest minds in history solved the most complex problems. It happens to deep thinkers. Though I guess if you\u2019ve never been exposed to it, or had a kid with a borderline high IQ, but with attention deficit, you could just throw out the word daydreaming like you\u2019re better than someone else.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s doing it again,\u201d the Ferret said. \u201cWhat\u2019s with this guy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you high right now?\u201d The Caterpillar said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m thirsty,\u201d I said. \u201cI need water.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Caterpillar handed me a Styrofoam cup of tap water and all I could think about was the five hundred years it would take that cup to decompose in a landfill and I explained that to them and that they should lobby for something washable.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis guy ain\u2019t right,\u201d the Ferret said.<\/p>\n
\u201cDrink it or don\u2019t drink it I don\u2019t really care,\u201d the Caterpillar said.<\/p>\n
I drank. It tasted like chlorine.<\/p>\n
The Ferret said they were going to charge me with attempted assault with a deadly projectile, destruction of property, violating the restraining order and that I could be looking at three to seven in the Federal pen. I explained that this was a total Shawshank thing. I wasn\u2019t anywhere near the doc\u2019s office today.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did you meet the doc in the first place?\u201d The Ferret said. \u201cIt\u2019s not like you met at the country club for cocktails.\u201d The Ferret smiled at the Caterpillar. Everyone finds it so easy to condescend the working man. These jerks couldn\u2019t keep a pool blue if their lives depended on it.<\/p>\n
I told them the truth just as it happened, but I knew they wouldn\u2019t believe me. The situation was virtually impossible to explain, especially if you weren\u2019t privy to the whole \u201cpool guy\u201d phenomenon. When I said it out loud, even I had to admit it sounded far out there, and I even omitted some of the really weird stuff.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I\u2019d awoke on such a high that morning feeling like one with the organic world, floating in my waterbed, suspended by nature. I hit what was left in the vaporizer to take the edge off. Sunlight filled the room and I felt totally recharged. I clicked off the frolicking Orcas and chilled with some valerian tea and organic orange blossom honey, before heading out to make the world blue. My spirit animal was totally the dolphin, but their call doesn\u2019t have the same influence in the morning as the whales. They always sound like they\u2019re trying to warn you about something. In hindsight, the dolphins should have been there to chirp me up.<\/p>\n
The pad I rented in the historic district was above a detached garage that the homeowner, Miss Mary Margaret, a defrocked nun, let me use, seeing how she didn\u2019t drive anymore because of glaucoma or cataracts or something. An kidney-shaped Tropicana took up most of the backyard and I kept it blue and sparkling for free. I even retro fitted the pump to make it a salt water pool, which is nice on wrinkly old skin and doesn\u2019t require chlorides, which totally fry hair and kill the organics.<\/p>\n
The light and dark of it all was clear to me and I knew if one domino fell, the rest would follow. Sure, I felt guilty about filling up my little pick-up with ethanol made from corn, which ensured terrible mileage and contributed to global warming, but a man has got to make a living and people have to swim. It\u2019s human nature to be drawn to the water because we yearn to get back to where we started.<\/p>\n
The garage under my apartment had old-fashioned barn doors and while I swung them open, Nero King rolled to a stop in the street with his stupid diesel monster truck billowing black smoke. Nero had this notion that his company, Poseidon Pools, owned every concrete pond in town and he always seemed to be lurking around, ready to poison every available pool of water. He used chlorine and toxified his body with processed foods. Once, at a little bar where all the pool service technicians hangout, I saw him eat a hamburger practically raw. I\u2019m sure he has worms and pounds of undigested meat in his bowels. He\u2019s also bald and lives with a raving jealousy of my long, natural hair. People don\u2019t realize that hair is a powerful thing. When you don\u2019t have it, you want it. Nero followed me around town trying to scoop business from me. The pool business was ruthless like that.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know where you\u2019ve been, Ulee,\u201d Nero said to me over the clunking of his global warming diesel truck. \u201cYou\u2019re going to find yourself in a sea of trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever, Nero,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019ve never taken a client of yours that hasn\u2019t come to me with bloodshot eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He revved his engine, shot me a bird, and tore out of the neighborhood leaving a cloud of black smoke in his wake. I watched him drive away with his stupid vanity license plate that read: CHLRIDES-RCK. The smell of his carbon footprint totally ruined my chi, but I did some deep breathing techniques that I learned in pranayama yoga and held it together.<\/p>\n
I was six houses in and fully recovered from Nero\u2019s morning assault, but still four houses behind, because of the cast on my arm. I parked my little pick up at the next job, a rectangular Aqua Lane lap pool with an accompanying Jacuzzi. That\u2019s when I heard the sirens. It was the po-po<\/em> and they were looking for me. I popped my edibles, which might explain my fuzzy state of mind. Two cars screeched to a stop on either side of my little truck like this was an episode of cops and I was one of those illiterate fugitives. The cops jumped out of their cars, rested hands on their weapons and barked orders. They were like pit bulls these guys, except one was a beefy looking woman with thinning hair and a mountainous chest. She looked like an MMA fighter who\u2019d put an air hose in her mouth to blow herself up. The woman was bursting out in all directions and reminded me of a girl I was sweet on in high school. Katie. We had a little thing going for a while. Could it be her? Katie? It had been ten years. The Florida sun was so bight I couldn\u2019t get a clear picture.<\/p>\n We used to sit at the same lunch table, Katie and I, because all the other tables were full. Of course, she invited me to sit because she was sitting alone, and I was standing up with my tray trying to eat. I obliged. I was surprised to be getting hit on like that, but it was cool. I hoped that the cop wasn\u2019t her, Katie that is. We ended on a sour note, a misunderstanding of sorts, but I ended up getting my GED and learning the pool trade, so it was for the best.<\/p>\n \u201cPut your hands in the air, and drop to your knees,\u201d the male cop said. He had a gut and bad skin and reminded me of that final frontier dude who played T.J. Hooker.<\/p>\n I did exactly what he said. Put my hands up behind my head. Then I realized that my ponytail was coming lose so I tighten it up. I wasn’t worried because cops are unlikely to shoot a dude with a ponytail and Birkenstocks given of our general appearance of pacifism.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s reaching for his hair,\u201d T.J. Hooker shouted and placed a hand on his weapon.<\/p>\n \u201cDrop the ponytail,\u201d the girl cop said. She even sounded like Katie, and at that moment I had a vision of her. Sweet Katie. The edibles were kicking in.<\/p>\n \u201cKatie? Katie Caboose?\u201d I said. \u201cIs that you?\u201d Next thing I knew, I was face planted on the blacktop like a common criminal and I realized, it wasn\u2019t Katie at all. The other cop laughed and repeated, Katie Caboose and this set her off.<\/p>\n \u201cYou jerk,\u201d she whispered. \u201cThat\u2019s the kind of nickname that sticks.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about my truck?\u201d I said. \u201cIt\u2019s got all my equipment.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s going to be impounded to look for evidence,\u201d she said, staring at my ponytail, which made me feel pretty good. Hair jealously was not gender specific.<\/p>\n As we drove off, I looked out the back window to see a line of dark clouds on the horizon. It rained every afternoon this time of year and I had four more pools to do. That rain would turn them all green. Someone was trying to ruin me.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAye, Dipshit, we want to know about the doc, not what kind of day you had,\u201d The Caterpillar said. Guess I\u2019d zoned. I was high, high from the double dose of watermelon gummies I\u2019d popped.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd did you call me a ferret?\u201d said the Ferret.<\/p>\n \u201cYou might have a thyroid issue,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cShut up and tell us about the doc,\u201d the Caterpillar said, that thick black beast dancing on his face like a circus animal. It looked to have a life of its own. In that moment, I dreamt about growing my own blond version of it on my face and waxing the ends, or maybe a bushy, cowboy style, \u201cHowdy Boys\u201d mustache. I imagined all the things I could do with a signature look like that.<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d the Caterpillar said. \u201cThe Doc?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We were introduced at a dinner party that I wasn\u2019t invited to, per se, it just so happened that I ran late on my schedule and the house with the pool where the dinner party took place was last on my route. I arrived so late the party guests began arriving while my work truck was parked in the driveway. Penelope, that\u2019s the doc, pulled up alone in her aqua blue Jag, blocking my truck. As I approached her about letting me back out, I could tell right away that she bought into the whole pool guy fantasy. It\u2019s a common psychological occurrence. All the pool guys know about it.<\/p>\n The Caterpillar cocked his beefy mustache up on one side and eyed the Ferret, skeptically.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know how some women fall all over themselves for fighter pilots or pro athletes?\u201d I said. \u201cSame thing for pool guys.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is getting better and better,\u201d the Caterpillar said. \u201cPlease, continue.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, pretty lady,\u201d I said to the Doc with all kinds of charm, making sure to tighten my ponytail. Older chicks got it bad for pool guys with ponytails. That\u2019s part of the aforementioned phenomenon. Anyway, I said, \u201cIf you let me back out, you can park a little closer to the house.\u201d She smiled at me with her pale blue eyes and why wouldn\u2019t she?<\/p>\n While she backed out of the driveway, I noticed the vanity plate in the front of her car read ORTHO. She explained what it meant and I said that was cool. Then, she smiled at me again, and asked for my card. She had one of those volleyball pools with the deep center and a Jacuzzi. Both were over chlorinated and burned her eyes and she told me who did the work and I said I knew the guy. Nero.<\/p>\n She said, \u201cThink you could stop by and take a look? I\u2019d like to see what you can do for me.\u201d Her strong Germanic pheromones where were practically gelatinous and they stuck to me like musk. Of course, I got the gig, put her on rotation and worked toward balancing the chemistry in a truly organic way. The first week the doc text me to say how great the pool looked, and blue, and that her eyes didn\u2019t burn, and that her skin felt so soft. I read the text out loud and thought about the words she had chosen. \u201cSo soft.\u201d There was a subtle and deeper meaning to them that I came to understand when I repeated them. So soft. So soft. Oddly enough, the doc was never there when I stopped by, so I had to somehow up the ante. Then it hit me. Literally. The 2 x 4 that held up the topper on the bed of my pickup dislodged and the topper hit my arm. It didn\u2019t do any damage, but that snapped a lightbulb. If I gave her a reason to care for me on a deeper level, the situation would change dramatically. I placed my arm on the back of the pickup and slammed that topper down. I heard a pop. Hurt like shit. I threw up. I was kind of hoping for some superficial bruising. I drove directly to her office without an appointment and told the receptionist to tell the doc that her pool guy had an accident. She worked me in and was very attentive, even though she kept starring at my Birkenstocks, which were covered in dried vomit. She tended to my arm gently and lovingly with her skilled doctorly hands.<\/p>\n Over the next couple of weeks, I called on her, one handed of course, and made sure to show up late in the day on Saturdays, hoping she\u2019d be home. The last time I went by, she was there, and we ended up chatting by the pool. We marveled at her pool water and shared a laugh at Nero\u2019s expense. She has this cute, nervous little laugh, and when she talks, she takes these little steps backwards, which naturally draws me forward in this yin and yang kind of dance. It was mesmerizing. I looked into her pale blue eyes and, being good at reading these things, I leaned in to kiss her and she freaked. I was like, whoa. Okay. I\u2019d pushed a little too fast. Our relationship wasn\u2019t there yet.<\/p>\n \u201cWe know the rest,\u201d the Ferret said.<\/p>\n \u201cYou broke your own arm?\u201d the Caterpillar said.<\/p>\n \u201cLook,\u201d I said, \u201cmistakes were made things were said. Can we move past that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you go to her office?\u201d The Caterpillar said.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought if I apologized, I mean, she\u2019s my doc, right?\u201d I raised my cast in the air. \u201cYou know how when you meet someone and have that chemical attraction. That happened to us. We just got off to a bad start. I pushed it too fast, just like Katie Caboose.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho the hell is Katie Caboose?\u201d The Ferret said.<\/p>\n \u201cNever mind,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n The Caterpillar opened a file and said, \u201cThis is what the doc had to say about your burgeoning romance, \u2018If we were the last two people on earth, I would set myself on fire.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI would never hurt Penelope, or anyone. It\u2019s not in my nature. This is like one those battles between good and evil and I\u2019m the good guy here.\u201d<\/p>\n The Caterpillar reached beneath his seat and produced a red brick, which he placed on the table. It had a white residue caked on one side. \u201cIs this the brick you threw?\u201d<\/p>\n I sunk in my seat and stared at that stupid brick. Then a faint scent hit my nose. A vile scent that was quite familiar to me. \u201cWhat\u2019s that white stuff?\u201d I asked in my sing song victory voice. I knew what it was, but I wanted to hear him say it.<\/p>\n \u201cChlorine,\u201d the Caterpillar said.<\/p>\n \u201cCome again?\u201d I said, drawing out the moment and holding it like a hit of good sticky herb.<\/p>\n \u201cChlorine,\u201d the Caterpillar said. \u201cWe had it tested.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you think we picked you up?\u201d the Ferret chimed in.<\/p>\n My heart lifted. I only service saltwater pools. My truck doesn\u2019t have any chlorine on it. Nero had the motivation and the chlorine. I laid it out for the cops, spoon fed it to them like a couple of babies. They were doubtful, and the Caterpillar said I could have planned all this to frame Nero, like I’m some kind of criminal mastermind. I said I\u2019m no criminal mastermind here. The Ferret laughed and said he knew with great certainty that I was the furthest thing on God\u2019s green earth from a criminal mastermind, and that buoyed my spirits a bit.<\/p>\n They held me until my truck was thoroughly checked out. Of course, they found no traces of chlorine and no one could place me at the scene, so they had to let me go.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat the hell are you smiling about now?\u201d The Caterpillar said, taking off the cuff, his beefy mustache rearing up on one side like a black stallion.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen Penelope finds out I\u2019m the hero of this caper,\u201d I said, straightening my ponytail, \u201cI\u2019m betting she gives me another shot.\u201d<\/p>\n The Ferret said something rude and demeaning, called me a creep for one thing and warned me to stay away from the doc.<\/p>\n Walking out of the station, I realized there was some bad mojo floating around. That\u2019s when I had an epiphany. I needed to create good Karma and that required a good deed, a selfless act, like maybe a little midnight pool cleaning. Penelope would wake up in the morning to a sparkling blue pool and think, Ulee, Ulee.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The detective with the Mario Brothers\u2019 mustache stared blankly at me and that manly caterpillar on his face rose and fell as he moved gum in his mouth from side to side. It was mesmerizing and made me stare at his mouth when he spoke like I was watching one of those dubbed Kurosawa films. 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