My first fight was with this guy on our block who didn\u2019t have any friends his own age. He was always hanging around the younger kids, teaching us to smoke, swear and vandalize. He liked to talk about sex, too. One time he asked me what the nastiest thing I ever saw was. I said probably when that red-headed barbarian chick got naked in Beastmaster<\/em>. He said, \u201cShit, that\u2019s nothing,\u201d and put a porno in the VCR. This was pretty exciting for a grade-schooler, but pretty creepy, too.<\/p>\n When he started demonstrating his sleeper hold on us (squeezing our necks until we lost consciousness), we decided it was best to avoid him. This didn\u2019t go over well. One day, as we were walking past his house on the way home from school, he grabbed my brother and threw him in a muddy ditch. He was standing there laughing when my lunchbox\u2014a metal Scooby-Doo job\u2014smacked him square in the face.<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t believe I hit him\u2014it was a twenty-foot throw. He put his hand over his eyebrow and stared at me in shock. Then the blood started flowing. It gushed between his fingers and dripped onto his shirt and jeans and sneakers. He let out a gasp and ran inside.<\/p>\n We stood there horrified. None of us had ever seen that much blood. One of the neighbor kids said, \u201cIs he going to die?\u201d The guy\u2019s older brother came out, glaring at us with disgust. He threw the lunchbox back, and I asked him if his brother was okay. \u201cNo,\u201d he said. \u201cWe have to take him to the emergency room.\u201d<\/p>\n A couple days later, I went over to the guy\u2019s house with all the money I could scrounge up. I felt awful and wanted to help pay the medical bill. His mother let me in, smiling. \u201cBoys will be boys,\u201d she said. I gave him my sack of loose change and apologized. He showed me his stitches and joked about having a cool scar. It was all an act, of course, put on for his mother, but I didn\u2019t know it yet.<\/p>\n The next time we met, he didn\u2019t say a word. Just walked up and clocked me in the jaw. \u201cI owed you that,\u201d he said. My mind went blank and I felt woozy. Was this what they meant by \u201cseeing stars\u201d? I walked home as steadily as I could. The walking part was important because I didn\u2019t want to look like I was running away. When I got to the garage, I went inside and leaned on the tool bench for support. I\u2019d like to say I didn\u2019t cry, but I probably did.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My second fight I was riding my tricked-out BMX bike in front of my grandma\u2019s house. This bike was rad: custom handlebars, mag wheels, stunt pegs. I was popping wheelies and hanging five and felt pretty cool until this big kid came up the road and said, \u201cShitty bike, dude.\u201d<\/p>\n For a twelve-year-old (male), that\u2019s all it takes. I charged him. He grabbed my shirt and held me at arm\u2019s length while I flailed like a windmill. When I finally got loose, I landed a glancing blow on his ear. He pushed me away and ran over to my grandma\u2019s door.<\/p>\n \u201cYour grandson is trying to start a fight with me,\u201d he said, \u201cand I\u2019m not allowed to fight. They\u2019ll send me back to juvie.\u201d I told him that\u2019s where he belonged, and even used the term \u201cdirtbag\u201d in front of Grandma, who was a big churchgoer. She found this all very distressing, and observed me closely for months afterward, watching for signs of incipient delinquency.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was 10 p.m. in the suburbs. I was behind the wheel of my Buick Century, sitting in front of a minimart. Three friends were inside buying Swisher Sweets and Funyuns. A fourth was in the back seat, vegetating. My friends exited the store arguing with a bunch of black guys. Threats flew back and forth. One of the guys came over to me and shouted something profane. Then he kicked my fender and hopped into a car with his buddies.<\/p>\n I had no idea what was going on. My friends weren\u2019t Nazis, skinheads or KKK sympathizers. They were liberal arts majors. They piled into the Buick and told me the story. Apparently, the guy who\u2019d kicked my fender had said something lewd to the female member of our group. This didn\u2019t strike me as particularly egregious\u2014I\u2019d said lewd things to her myself. I was about to leave, when the offender revved his engine and said, \u201cLet\u2019s go, bitch!\u201d He peeled out, and like a true teenage moron, I went after him.<\/p>\n Now we were on the four-lane blacktop, racing at ridiculous speeds. It was a \u201850s B-movie, without the rockabilly soundtrack. After a few miles, he pulled off the road into a vacant lot. The vegetable in my back seat said, \u201cDon\u2019t follow them in there.\u201d<\/p>\n When I drove up, the lewd transgressor got out of his car and banged on my window. He said, \u201cWanna go, bitch?\u201d I rolled the window down, and he punched me in the face. This was nothing like the sucker punch I\u2019d received back in grade school. I didn\u2019t see stars; I got mad and kicked the door open. The guy went sprawling. I jumped on top of him, held him down, and punched him until his nose bled. Before I could take off, a phantom uppercut knocked me on my back. I looked up to find a dozen guys circling me and more pouring out of the house next to the lot.<\/p>\n It was time to turtle. I rolled onto my stomach and covered my head with my arms as the stomps and blows rained down. They pummeled every exposed part of my body. One dude even worked my legs. What kind of weirdo punches someone in the legs? The beating continued until headlights flashed across the parking lot. My assailants must\u2019ve thought it was the cops, because they bolted. I got up and gimped back to the car. One of my friends had been brawling, too. He took a final pop to the mouth as he climbed into the front seat.<\/p>\n The vehicles lighting the lot turned out to be gawkers. I cut out pretty fast, thinking the cops wouldn\u2019t be far behind. As we flew down the road, the vegetable said, \u201cI told you not to follow them in there.\u201d\u00a0 I put him out at the next corner and drove to a party, where a number of concerned girls fussed over my injuries. So I guess the end result wasn\u2019t too bad.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After the parking lot beatdown, I vowed never to become involved in such physical idiocy again. Verbal idiocy was another matter, and, unfortunately, verbal idiocy often leads to physical idiocy.<\/p>\n I\u2019d gone to a Penn State fraternity party with this obnoxious goof who insisted on walking around with a joint behind his ear. When the frat brothers noticed this, they took us outside for a lecture.<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t have that on display in our house,\u201d said the head bro. \u201cIt\u2019s not that we\u2019re against drugs. I like to get high as much as the next guy. But not out in the open, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n The goof said yeah he understood no problem and wow what a cool house you have.<\/p>\n \u201cYou like it?\u201d said bro. \u201cRush week is coming up, and we can always use a guy with connections.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019d been ready to leave for five minutes, and now the goof was going to make me listen to this smarmy douche\u2019s recruitment speech. My impatience must\u2019ve shown, because one of the frat henchmen looked at me and said, \u201cWhat\u2019s your problem?\u201d I told him I was really, really bored. \u201cTake off your sunglasses,\u201d he said. I was wearing a pair of those skinny cyclops sunglasses, which would\u2019ve been uber cool at a Devo concert circa \u201883, but were obviously not the thing in the late \u201890s.<\/p>\n I ignored him and he repeated his command: \u201cTake off the sunglasses. Now.\u201d<\/p>\n This seemed like an excellent time to excuse myself. I expected the goof to follow me, but he just stood there fawning over Captain Toga, his new hero. As I departed, the henchman laughed. I flipped him off, thinking I was far enough down the road to get away with it. I wasn\u2019t. He sprinted over and knocked me down. He was a big dude, with copious muscles and no shortage of irrational rage.<\/p>\n I assumed a lounging position beside a dumpster and said, \u201cYou really need to lay off the \u2018roids, man.\u201d<\/p>\n By now the entire goon squad had gathered around us, and none of them were smiling. The henchman grabbed my arm and jerked me up on my feet.<\/p>\n \u201cWhoa,\u201d said the head bro, separating us. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to fight, let\u2019s move over here where there\u2019s more room.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re not going to fight,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n He gave me a surprised look and adjusted his Nittany Lions cap. \u201cWhat do you mean you\u2019re not going to fight? He just sat you on your ass.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know how you cretins operate. As soon as I start fighting this guy, the rest of you jump in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did you call us?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCretins. But I meant Cretans with an \u2018a\u2019 not cretins with an \u2018i.\u2019 The Cretans were Greeks, like yourself, and actually quite intelligent.\u201d<\/p>\n He smirked. \u201cI wash my hands of it. Have at him, bro.\u201d<\/p>\n With that, the henchman shoved me into the road. I started walking. He trailed behind, pushing me every five steps or so and saying, \u201cGimme those sunglasses. Gimme those sunglasses or I\u2019ll beat the shit out of you.\u201d<\/p>\n I suppose he intended to snap the glasses in half and present them to his sniggering bros as some kind of trophy. I kept going until he gave up and returned to the party, where he undoubtedly smashed someone else\u2019s glasses. He probably had a quota or something.<\/p>\n Though the incident was humiliating, I managed to walk away without any crushed cartilage or black eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019ve now successfully avoided fights for over two decades. How do I do it? I used to think it was a matter of maturity\u2014fighting was something that younger, more excitable men did. But then I saw two 50-year-olds (on the same rec-league soccer team) punching each other until teeth flew. After that it was a road-raging old man on the news. He\u2019d been mooned by a carload of teenagers, and sensibly decided to chase them 20 miles down a highway, waving a pistol out the window of his Chrysler.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not just age\u2014it\u2019s ego. It\u2019s taking ourselves too seriously. Sometimes, when I feel slighted, when someone cuts me off in traffic or shoves his way to the front of the checkout line, that 12-year-old with the rad bike wants to come out swinging. But I remind myself: life\u2019s too short to go around pissed off all the time. I\u2019ll be dead before long\u2014and so will the jerk who cut me off.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Fight #1 My first fight was with this guy on our block who didn\u2019t have any friends his own age. He was always hanging around the younger kids, teaching us to smoke, swear and vandalize. He liked to talk about sex, too. One time he asked me what the nastiest thing I ever saw was. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":17361,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[760],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17300","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-creative-nonfiction","writer-dan-morey"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17300","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17300"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17300\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17373,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17300\/revisions\/17373"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17361"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17300"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17300"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17300"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Fight #2<\/h5>\n
Fight #3<\/h5>\n
Fight #4<\/h5>\n
A Coda:<\/h5>\n