{"id":16506,"date":"2020-12-21T05:00:23","date_gmt":"2020-12-21T10:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bullmensfiction.com\/?p=16506"},"modified":"2022-08-03T13:12:07","modified_gmt":"2022-08-03T17:12:07","slug":"dor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/fiction\/dor\/","title":{"rendered":"Dor"},"content":{"rendered":"

In Romania they had a word for this feeling of not quite belonging and feeling nostalgic for something maybe you ain\u2019t really experienced and this great longing feeling\u2014dor<\/em>. We don\u2019t have a word for that here in the Deep South. It\u2019s just a lifestyle here.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s 1:30 AM and I\u2019ve bought six thousand rounds of ammo in the last month. Some of them are for my pistols and some of them are for my rifles and I didn\u2019t buy any more for my shotgun cause I haven\u2019t picked it back up from Mary up in the mountains yet. Mary had to borrow it cause Mary\u2019s neighbor shot Mary\u2019s chickens and there was some revenge to be had or something. At least, that\u2019s what Mary\u2019s other neighbor told me she borrowed it for.<\/p>\n

I ate a honey biscuit this morning sitting on Jason Brown\u2019s blue velvet couch, out in the living room, and I couldn\u2019t remember the last time I felt actually awake. Jason Brown\u2019s dog stared from near my feet and it was like she knew I ain\u2019t been sleeping. Just laying in bed in the dark feeling sad and scared and stressed for leaving the bathroom light on and feeling like I might cause bad luck that\u2019ll kill me if I get up and turn it off. Laying there thinking about how did I even get there and when did this become my life and is any of this even real. Feeling sometimes like I\u2019m outside myself and I\u2019m just this weird person making choices like to fuck myself in the shower instead of getting to work on time or eating peanuts in bed under the covers cause I just wanna feel small.<\/p>\n

The world’s ending and someone has taken control of me and I\u2019m watching myself live from inside my head. It\u2019s like when cows go into heat and then cry when the bull mounts them. Doing mean stuff to myself. Stuff I hate. Buying grape Powerade sports drinks even though it\u2019s the one I like the least. Letting my truck run out of gas even though I got money for gas. I wanna make out with a girl and go down on her after we eat French fries and then she goes and spits on me and doesn\u2019t say bye and leaves forever. You see, it\u2019s like, I just have to keep telling myself this is okay and I cling so hard to my stuffed animals at night. My lover is a heretic and when I look in the mirror, I can\u2019t see my eyes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In Romania they had a word for this feeling of not quite belonging and feeling nostalgic for something maybe you ain\u2019t really experienced and this great longing feeling\u2014dor. We don\u2019t have a word for that here in the Deep South. It\u2019s just a lifestyle here.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":16526,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[2528,1353,2529,1915],"class_list":["post-16506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-dor","tag-lgbtq","tag-powerade","tag-romania","writer-rebekah-morgan"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16506","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16506"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16506\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16527,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16506\/revisions\/16527"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16526"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16506"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16506"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16506"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}