The fishing gear I was pawing through gave up a dry bait smell; like dried up worms and fish scales. I was looking for my flashlight for a camp out me and Butch was having out back his Daddy\u2019s property and getting frantic at not finding it. I\u2019d done asked Mama and she didn\u2019t have any better idea than I did. I couldn\u2019t tell her why I was in such a need of it. I didn\u2019t need it so we could see. I needed that flashlight because I was afraid of peeing outside in the dark. I know I was too old to be feeling like that at thirteen, but it was true, I was scared of the things I couldn\u2019t see getting on my thing. I don\u2019t know why I had such a fear, but all I could picture trying to take a whiz outside was a big ol\u2019 bat or prehistoric jungle skeeter buzzing up on it and biting deep into my ding-a-ling. It was enough to make me not want to camp which was stupid because I like building fires and fishing and sleeping outside and all that. It was peeing in the dark that scared me green.<\/p>\n
The carport had the gritty smell of dirty, black oil. It always did ever since Daddy spilled that pan of oil when he was changing it in the car a while back. He tried to clean it, but nothing really got it up. Even now when he tried the water that run off had a rainbow sheen to it. He was mad at himself for a while over that one. Daddy doesn\u2019t cuss, but I think he wanted to that day. I walked back in the house, empty handed and feeling tight chested over the idea of not having my flashlight tonight.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you find it?\u201d Mama\u2019s voice came from the kitchen on the smells of her beef stew and cornbread.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, ma\u2019am. Daddy back down yet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet, Ted. Why don\u2019t you go on up and tell him supper\u2019s about ready?\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked to the back of the house and pulled the cord for the attic steps. They creaked as they unfolded out so I could walk up. I loved the look and smell of the attic. The dark wood smelled just like it looked to me; old and wise. Like it was rich with its wisdom, so rich it made a smell. He didn\u2019t like for us to come all the way in once we was up the steps. Daddy went up there to work. He said it was the only place he could get some quiet to write his sermons. So I just stood on the top step and told him from there. \u201cDaddy, Mama says supper\u2019s about ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, son, tell your Mama I\u2019ll be down directly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOk, Daddy. Uh, Daddy, have you seen my flashlight? The big silver one?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe one your Granddaddy give you for your birthday? Don\u2019t tell me you lost it, son.\u201d He looked at me over his glasses. The lamp threw shadows on his face that made me think of Ebenezer Scrooge and the men in Oliver Twist.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ain\u2019t lost it. I just don\u2019t know where it is. Have you seen it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the very definition of lost, son. I have no idea where it might be, but you best find it. All the way back to your great-great-granddaddy we been honest, preaching men, you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYessir. I know. That\u2019s why I\u2019m Theodore Holsmyth the fifth and you\u2019re the fourth and grandaddy\u2019s the-\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right, we go all the way back. And we\u2019re men who pride ourselves on keeping our house and the people and things in it orderly. Holsmyth men don\u2019t lose things, son, so you best remember where you left it. I don\u2019t want to have to correct you, hear?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYessir.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright. Go on.\u201d He nodded me back down the steps.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t want to be corrected. Last time I couldn\u2019t sit down for two days. I hoped I could find that flashlight. I walked back into the kitchen where Mama was setting the table. \u201cDaddy says he\u2019ll be down in a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright. Help me set the table.\u201d<\/p>\n
I did, laying out the silverware all crooked so she had to follow behind me and fix it anyway. It was my turn to say grace. At the end I asked God for good weather on our camp out tonight. Got a look from Daddy for that one. I didn\u2019t see it but I felt it. He can do that. While we was eating Daddy asked me, \u201cDid you find that flashlight yet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo sir, but I remembered where it is and I\u2019m going to grab it on my way out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt fell behind your toolbox. I forgot.\u201d<\/p>\n
He just grunted at me and went back to supper. I was lying through my teeth. I just didn\u2019t want him to go cut a hickory switch. Besides, I asked Jesus for forgiveness. I was going to check there. I thought it might could have done something like that; rolled behind something or other.<\/p>\n
When I got to Butch\u2019s Missus Crisswell was putting a big block of ice in the cooler on the wagon Butch had all loaded up. We walked out to the back pasture pulling it behind us. The sun was just set so the sky was all pink and orangey and the cicadas was buzzing so loud you felt you could drown in the sound. We got the tent all set up under a sweetgum back there after we kicked all the burrs out of the way so we could have a place to lay down. The first stars was showing by the time we got done. We ate cold fried chicken, biscuits and big wedges of coconut cake washed down with sweet tea while we watched it get dark. We watched a big swarm of bats come out flying around all crazy trying to eat up all the bugs they could. A while later the skeeters got after us so we made a fire and threw on some green branches to make it smoky and keep them away. We sat around it telling stories, playing cards, and talking about girls until we was both yawning. We crawled into the tent and fell fast asleep.<\/p>\n
I woke up some while later. It was still dark as pitch out. I had to pee. Real bad. I didn\u2019t have my flashlight. The air was still and warm and my face felt slimy with sweat. I was itchy too. Our fire didn\u2019t do much for the skeeters. They found me just fine. I was about to bust and float away it near felt like, but I decided to go up to the house to pee anyway. I had to go about as bad as I ever have, but I just knew something was going to bite me there if I went outside. I duck-walked across the pasture cupping myself and trying to go fast, but not jostle my bladder none. The dew-covered grass was somehow prickly and soft at the same time. I could hear peepers down yonder in the cattle run and the nowhere everywhere sound of crickets. It wasn\u2019t a long walk to the house. Took a few minutes. The porch light was on so I knew which way to walk. I let myself in once I got there and moved quiet as anything to the hall bathroom where I shut the door. Missus Criswell had night lights in every room of the house for some reason, but I was glad of them.<\/p>\n
It was cool in that bathroom. All white, clean tile. It sucked the heat from the soles of my feet in a way that made me want to lay down naked on the tile, but I barely noticed because I about couldn\u2019t get out of my shorts before I started to go. I watched my stream hit the bowl and go all foamy with the force of it. After I finished I decided to take off my pajama bottoms and top and get cool on the tile. I leaned back against the wall and stuck my legs out. It felt better than I thought. Even my bites felt better. I wondered if Butch\u2019s Mama and them kept anything to read under the bathroom sink like we did. I decided to check. I found a stack of fishing magazines and pulled them out. I looked at a couple, but got sleepy again, so decided to put them back. When I picked up the stack some of them slid out. One of them wasn\u2019t a fishing magazine. It was on cheap paper. The cover was blue. In big white letters on top it said \u201cFINGER FUCKING FIFTEEN\u201d and nothing else. I couldn\u2019t believe the f-word was on a magazine. I didn\u2019t even know you could print the f-word on a magazine. I always thought I\u2019d just go straight to Hell if I ever said the f-word. I had to open it.<\/p>\n
Inside I saw pictures of girls. Older girls. High school girls. Girls with makeup on and nothing else. Girls with someone\u2019s fingers stuffed inside their private parts. I\u2019d never seen a girl\u2019s private parts before. I never thought I would. Not until I was married. I kept turning pages and looking at these girls. I felt the sin take hold and move me, but I kept turning the pages. I wanted to be that hand. The sin had me good. There weren\u2019t many pages. On the last one was another girl. This one looked different. She was alone. There was no hand inside her. Nothing was inside her, but her legs were spread and you could see everything. Her face, though, her face looked a little afraid. I liked that look. I don\u2019t know why but it felt good to me. That girl felt good to me. I sinned against myself right there in the Criswell\u2019s bathroom thinking about that girl and the things I wanted to do to her and have her do to me. Dirty things. Sinful things. I couldn\u2019t help it. Satan had my flesh and was moving it for me. Satan felt real good. After I felt guilty and dirty and had to quick ask Jesus for forgiveness. I know it worked when I felt Jesus in my heart telling me everything was alright.<\/p>\n
I cleaned up, flushed the commode, pulled on my pants and top, and slid the magazine down the back of my shorts before walking out of the house as quietly as I come in. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Stealing is wrong. But I had to have it. I\u2019d never find anything like it again. And I had to have that light red-haired girl. It felt almost like I was saving that girl. Almost like Jesus was telling me to save her. I slid the magazine out of my shorts when I got to our camp and stuffed it in the folds of a blanket I didn\u2019t end up using before crawling back in the tent and falling fast asleep.<\/p>\n
That next morning come on hot. Butch had took off his pajama top sometime in the night. He was covered in skeeter welts. \u201cI got eat up last night,\u201d he ended this with a yawn, grinding sleep out of his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe too. Those skeeters was relentless.\u201d Relentless was last week\u2019s vocabulary word and I\u2019d liked the sound of it. It sounded like what it meant. Moving forward; running everything down to get to what it wanted.<\/p>\n
\u201cWanna see if anything\u2019s biting at the crik?\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t. I wanted to take my stolen magazine home and look at it some more. I\u2019d woke up probably half a dozen times thinking of it after I got back to sleep. \u201cNaw, I promised Daddy I\u2019d help him some today. He\u2019ll get mad if I stay out all morning. I better head home before too long.\u201d I sure was lying a lot lately.<\/p>\n
Butch\u2019s Daddy drove me back home around ten that morning. My own Daddy looked up in surprise when I walked in, \u201cBack already? I figured you boys\u2019d be out fishing half the day at least.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWasn\u2019t nothing biting \u2018cept the skeeters.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell that figures don\u2019t it? Go on and put all your things away. Don\u2019t leave no mess for your Mama to clean up, hear?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYessir.\u201d I did as I was told and put my things up, but my swiftness wasn\u2019t from a need to obey, it was so I could shut myself in the bathroom with my magazine. I thought that magazine was an odd thing. On the one hand it was making me sin again and again, but on the other hand Jesus was telling me I was saving that girl somehow by taking that magazine. He told me I\u2019d know how to do it one day because he\u2019d show me.<\/p>\n
I shut myself in and locked the door. I didn\u2019t get bothered none in the bathroom. Daddy says a person ought to be left alone when they\u2019re tending to themselves. I pulled my pants down not because I wanted to sin but because sitting on the commode with my pants on felt weird. It might sound stupid but I felt like I might forget I was wearing pants and go to the bathroom anyway. I sat down on that cool ring and before I even got my fingers in the pages I could already feel the sin moving my flesh. I stared at the girls in the front thinking of last year when Daddy sat me down and told me all about girls.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon, now deep down all women are harlots and whores. They can\u2019t help it. It\u2019s left over sin from Eve. Some women, like your Mama, are able to overcome that sin and be good, Christian women. But most women just can\u2019t resist and they give in to that sin. They\u2019re too full of sin to resist sin. You got to watch out for girls like that, Ted. They\u2019re forward and not afraid to tempt you. Don\u2019t ever go chasing after a girl or let one chase you. You let God bring you one. You\u2019ll know when he has for she will be a meek woman before the Lord and her husband.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could see he was right. These women here, they just looked like what a harlot would. All spread out for any boy to come along and use. So full of sin and Satan and danger and didn\u2019t even care. That sinful part of me liked seeing all their bare parts out, but underneath that those girls disgusted me. They had a choice. God gives us a choice to choose right or wrong and these girls, they chose wrong. They could be saving themselves for a good Christian man but they wasted themselves on Satan.<\/p>\n
The girl on the last page was the only one I didn\u2019t feel like that about. She was scared. She didn\u2019t know what was going to happen. She needed someone to rescue her, to show her the right way. I don\u2019t know why Jesus put that girl so heavy on my heart, but she moved me, and the sin moved me and I helped a little but that was the sin too I think. I asked Jesus for forgiveness wondering if there was a limit on holy forgiveness in a body\u2019s lifetime.<\/p>\n
I first thought to hide my magazine in my closet, but I couldn\u2019t keep it there. Mama cleaned that thing out every so often and she\u2019d find it. Same with my mattress and anywhere else I thought to keep it. Mama\u2019d find it when she cleaned. I finally settled on seating it in the middle of a tall book about baseball history on my bedroom bookshelf. It only made the sides bulge out a little.<\/p>\n
At supper I tried to be polite and act like nothing was different but it felt like everything was. I had one hand in my lap and was stirring my food with the fork in my other. I just wasn\u2019t all that hungry. I ate some. I kept thinking about those girls. My girl. Every time I did I had a battle in me, I wanted to save that girl and yet the sin she brought up in me was great and not to be trifled with. I couldn\u2019t even find words to tell Jesus to come help me from the sin when it had me. It had me halfway now. I bet that girl\u2019s skin is smooth and warm. For some reason I wanted to put my mouth on it. I was thinking too hard about that and not hard enough about who and where I was. My hand started sinning all by itself. I just kept thinking about how her skin would taste and feel. How it might be different from breast to stomach to thigh. Or not.<\/p>\n
\u201cTheodore! Answer your Daddy when he\u2019s talking to you!\u201d Mama\u2019s angry voice startled me out of my own unclean thoughts and I jumped in my chair. Daddy\u2019s face had the start of a thunderous look. I quick cupped my hand around myself, ashamed like they could see even though I was under the tablecloth.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Mama, I was just daydreaming. Sir?\u201d I looked at Daddy.<\/p>\n
He looked at me hard, \u201cI asked how much you lacked on your lessons for Monday. I know you ain\u2019t done a bit of it this weekend. Finish up and go get on your schooling. You ain\u2019t doing nothing but playing with what\u2019s on your plate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYessir,\u201d I shoveled a few bites in my mouth, big ones. I ate my biscuit and drank my glass of milk and went up to my room.<\/p>\n
I know I was supposed to be working on school work, but my mind and eyes kept drifting over to my bookcase. After awhile I give in and pulled the book down, and took out the magazine. I took it back to my desk and laid it on top of my history book. I looked at all the girls again, but it was that last girl that Jesus set so heavy on me. I named her Strawberry because for some reason I just knew if I sniffed her up close she\u2019d smell like one and also her red hair. Strawberry was who I was really there to see. I looked at them all again, but still I thought they looked like harlots. Strawberry didn\u2019t though. She was probably sweet and just needed a good boy to show her a better way. But even as I\u2019m thinking these things I\u2019m sinning too because I\u2019m also thinking of putting myself in her mouth and inside her and I know these are sinful thoughts but I can\u2019t stop them or my hand as I stare into her big scared eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cTheodore!\u201d Daddy\u2019s voice, big and angry, right in my doorway. I jumped and the sin left in me that was suddenly cut loose didn\u2019t know what to do so it jumped around a little too. I only turned halfway in my chair flipping my textbook open over the magazine and hoping he didn\u2019t come in the room. The sin was still in my flesh and it stood straight up with it. If he came in my room I could only hide under my desk if I didn\u2019t move none.<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t you hear me calling you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo sir. I was studying. I must not have heard you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to come down here and help me for a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOk, Daddy. Can I finish this chapter in my history book?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much you lack?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly this one page.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHurry it up.\u201d Thankfully he turned and went on downstairs. I read the same paragraph over and over on the page the book had opened to. It made no sense to me but I had to stop paying attention to that sin still inside me. It kept my flesh moved and I needed it to stop moving my flesh for a minute so I could help Daddy. The sin finally let go and I ran on downstairs to see what he needed.<\/p>\n
I held the light while Daddy worked on the brakes. It didn\u2019t take long, about half an hour, but to me it felt like it took forever. I couldn\u2019t stop thinking about my girls, especially Strawberry so when he finished up and finally let me go I was going to run back upstairs to my room. Mama stopped me though. \u201cTed, I need you to run this pie plate back over to Big Charlotte right quick. I forgot to do it today and I think she\u2019s still awake. It ain\u2019t but eight thirty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d my voice had a lot more enthusiasm than my heart did, I tell you what. I went over and rang their bell. Little Charlotte answered. She wasn\u2019t so little though, that\u2019s just what she was called on account of her Mama also being a Charlotte; she was Big Charlotte. Little Charlotte was twenty-two years old, but still lived at home as nobody had married her yet. She was a pretty gal and real active in Daddy\u2019s church so I don\u2019t know why she wasn\u2019t yet married. I never did finish sinning before and the sin was still inside me big as anything. I had to work hard not to look at the ghostly white of her bra under her top. It was stirring the sin in me; moving my flesh. I think I must have been seeming strange to her because she gave me a funny look after taking the plate from me. I went on back across the yard to home. I came in through the kitchen and Mama asked me, \u201cDid you give it to Big Charlotte?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLittle. I\u2019m wore out, Mama, I\u2019m going on up to bed.\u201d Once I got up there I took my magazine from under my history book and went to the bathroom so I could look at it in peace. After I locked myself in I didn\u2019t even look at the other girls, just Strawberry. The sin came on me hard and fast and when it had finished with me I got real sleepy. I was so tired I nearly forgot to ask Jesus for forgiveness. I remembered as I was turning off my bedroom light and quick asked him. I felt him, but not as strong as before. I thought maybe Jesus was upset with me over something. I fell asleep wondering.<\/p>\n
That next morning I woke up with sin already in me. It felt good, but bad too. I was ashamed how good it felt and how much I kept doing it, but Satan feels real good inside you and it\u2019s hard to stop inviting him in once you\u2019ve felt that. I thought maybe I was bending some rules a little, but I knew with Daddy a preacher and me his son, living in his house, I had some protection against Satan getting in me too deep. As long as I kept talking with Jesus and reading my Bible I knew Satan couldn\u2019t stand that sort of thing and would eventually go on. I got up real quiet, trying not to make my bed creak so much as I got off it real slow and tiptoed over to my bookcase. I didn\u2019t want them to know I was up. I wanted to look at Strawberry while I laid in bed. I tiptoed back with my magazine all close to me like someone might see. I climbed back in bed real slow again but it creaked and squealed anyway, and to me it sounded like it was the loudest it had ever been. I pulled my blanket back over me, over my head too, and slid my pajama bottoms down with my shorts. There was enough light coming through the window that I could still see under the thin blue blanket. I looked down and saw how full of sin I was. I thought maybe what felt good was getting the sin out. Like it was the sin making me feel that stirred up feeling and not hear Mama or Daddy when they call me. I wondered if that was what Jesus was mad at me about. Me trying to fight it instead of getting the sin out as much as possible. I felt Jesus come into my heart then and tell me I was right. I felt smart figuring that out on my own. I let the sin move through me this time and didn\u2019t feel shameful or like I had to ask Jesus for forgiveness. Mama and Daddy might say messing with yourself is dirty and a sin, but Jesus told me different and Daddy said I could hear Jesus good as anything. Jesus was always right just like God was Daddy said, so I knew it was true what he was putting in my heart. I imagined Strawberry doing all kinds of things to me, things I didn\u2019t know if girls did with boys but I\u2019d show her because she don\u2019t know no better. Thinking about showing her and then her doing some of those things made the sin come right out of me. I laid there for a minute letting the feeling of that sin going out of me just set in me for a while. I wiped my hand down my pajama top and got up after a minute or two thinking about pancakes and sausage which I could smell coming from downstairs. Real sudden I was starving like I ain\u2019t eat in days. I got out of bed, throwing my blanket over my magazine and took off my top dropping it in the hamper. I pulled on an undershirt and my robe and went on downstairs.<\/p>\n
\u201cMorning, honey, you sleep all right?\u201d Mama greeted me when I came in and set a plate and a glass of juice at my place.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am, I slept real good. Can I have extra this morning? I\u2019m hungry as anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me for a minute, \u201cYou\u2019re getting big, Ted. You\u2019re gonna eat us out of house and home doing all this growing.\u201d Mama set an extra piece of sausage and two more pancakes on my plate and sat back down herself.<\/p>\n
It was Sunday so Daddy was already gone and Mama\u2019s hair was up in curlers. Daddy didn\u2019t start his preaching till ten thirty and it was only a little after nine now. He liked to get there early to make sure all was in order. Mama and I set there eating breakfast not saying anything. She was reading her Bible verses to go over with the children in her Sunday school class. I was lost in my thoughts of Jesus\u2019 message for me and how I might get Strawberry. Mama looked up at the clock and her eyes got wide, \u201cI\u2019ll be! We\u2019re going to be late to our own church, son! Run upstairs right quick and get dressed and comb your hair. We got to go!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am.\u201d I shoveled one more bite in my mouth leaving my plate empty except for the smears of syrup and took a drink of milk before I stood up and ran upstairs to quick dress and run a comb through my hair. I didn\u2019t have time to wash my face but I brushed my teeth real quick, but not real good because Mama hollered up, \u201cTed, we got to go, son! Come on!\u201d and I had to run downstairs before I got done.<\/p>\n
After church Daddy asked me to stay back and help him. Mama went on home to get dinner going and do some housework. It took me and Daddy about two hours to get everything done. When we got home dinner was ready. \u201cY\u2019all go wash up and come sit down for dinner. It\u2019s about ready.\u201d Mama had made her roast chicken. It was me and Daddy\u2019s favorite thing for Sunday dinner. That or her pot roast. The whole house was mixed up smells of seasoned chicken, buttery mashed taters, some pole beans from our garden with ham in it, and a skillet of Mama\u2019s cornbread. I was about starved, we all was and we ate without talking except to tell Mama how good it was.<\/p>\n
When I was done eating I stood up and took my dishes to the sink, “I’m going on up to my room,”<\/p>\n
Mama looked at me funny for a minute. “You go on up there and get your schoolwork done and nothing else.”<\/p>\n
“Yes ma’am. I ain\u2019t planning on fooling around or nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I run on up to my room thinking about Strawberry. When I walked in I seen Mama had made my bed and cleaned up the gum wrappers off my desk. My heart come up in my throat like I was going to throw it up. I felt like I was going to throw something up. I pulled back the covers knowing what I was going to see but hoping I\u2019d see it there anyway. It wasn\u2019t. I checked under my bed and even in the book just in case I\u2019d put it back and forgot I\u2019d done it. It was gone. I\u2019d done gone and lost my best thing because I was careless and maybe worst of all Mama knew I had looked at such a thing in her house. I didn\u2019t think I was ever going to be able to look her in the face again. I hoped she didn\u2019t tell Daddy.<\/p>\n
I couldn\u2019t hardly concentrate on my assignment and it wasn\u2019t nothing but using vocabulary words in a sentence. I copied some of the sentences right out of our old dictionary because I just couldn\u2019t think good enough to come up with any of my own. I read some for my book report, but I couldn\u2019t hold nothing about what I was reading. I kept having to read the same paragraph over and over. After awhile I give up and just read page after page until bed but didn\u2019t take none of it in. I kept expecting to hear Daddy coming up the stairs to give me a whoopin and couldn\u2019t sleep none for thinking about it. I was still awake when I heard Mama and Daddy come up and go to bed. Pretty soon I heard Daddy snoring real loud so I knew he was asleep good. I got to thinking about what Mama might have done with that magazine once she found it. If she gave it to Daddy I was likely in for a whoopin with the belt and that was probably the least of it. They\u2019d think bad of me. Even worried as I was I still managed to fall asleep.<\/p>\n
I had a dream that I was outside leaning on our burn barrel looking at the back of the church when I felt a hand on my shoulder and smelled strawberries. I turned around and Strawberry was standing right there in front of me all naked and everything. Then I realized I ain\u2019t got no clothes on either. She looked at me and smiled, \u201cI\u2019m right here,\u201d then reached down and took me by my thing. Her hand was warm and soft and my thing got really big in the dream. Bigger than it could ever be. It was like a baseball bat and Strawberry was petting it and wrapping her arms around it and rubbing her face on it and it just kept getting harder and trying to get bigger. I could feel it all swole up with sin and I wanted to put it in her and let all my sin out. I didn\u2019t say nothing to her the whole dream, but it was like she could read my mind. She came up smiling at me, proud I saved her, and put one leg on either side of mine with my giant thing all swole up between her legs where she started rubbing up and down it real slow. She was hot there and it felt real good going up and down like that. I wanted to put it in her she just wouldn\u2019t slide up far enough on it for me to get it in. I felt aggravated but it also felt real good what she was doing so I was feeling two things at once and for some reason that swelled the sin up in me even bigger. I could feel it was about to come out when I woke up. I don\u2019t know what woke me. Nothing as far as I could tell, but I woke up all the same. My thing was throbbing and hot and full of sin. I reached down and touched it letting my hand work the sin out. It didn\u2019t take long but this time it felt like the sin might never stop coming out. I looked over at the clock. It was nearly four in the morning. It was Monday and today was burn day. Daddy always burned the trash on the first Monday of the month. Jesus come in my heart then plain as anything and told me where my magazine was.<\/p>\n
I crawled out of bed real quiet and tiptoed down to the kitchen where I took a box of matches out the door with me. I still hadn\u2019t found my flashlight. I didn\u2019t bother to put no shoes on and kept stepping on little gravely rocks but I made it out there and lit a match to hold over it. Wasn\u2019t nothing I could see but some old newspapers and some old wore out rags Daddy used to stain some wood. I started to lean over to dig through when the match burned my fingers and I let go. It landed on the newspapers and before I could think about what was happening they was eat up with fire; flames licking up bigger and bigger curling the paper into ash. Then one of Daddy\u2019s rags caught and the whole thing was ablaze. I stood there staring at those rags turning to char wondering what I should do when I saw a blue triangle sticking out from beneath them. My magazine. I forgot all about the danger of fire as I stuck my arm in those flames and plucked it out. My heart was thudding as I clutched my magazine to me and cried I was so relieved and scared. The barrel was on fire and I\u2019d nearly lost my Strawberry forever. I was both relieved at having got her back and worried as all get out about the barrel. It was burning nice as you please and it wasn\u2019t but about four in the morning. Mama and Daddy were going to have a fit. I better think of an explanation quick. Mama would be up in about an hour and I knew that barrel would burn bright for at least another two. I walked back inside with my heart banging away in my chest, my magazine slid down the back of my shorts just like it had been the day I took it, and went on upstairs to my room where I put it back in the baseball book.<\/p>\n
I never did get back to sleep and that morning I heard Daddy and Mama talking real low at each other in their room. I opened my door and tiptoed closer so I could hear better and heard Daddy say, \u201cI\u2019ll go look all through his room while he\u2019s at school and make sure, but I don\u2019t think he would have. He\u2019s a godly boy. He ain\u2019t devious like these other uns.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mama sat there for a minute before saying anything, \u201cHe\u2019s a good boy, Dore. We raised us a good boy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jesus told me right then what to do.<\/p>\n
I went back in my room and pulled my magazine out of the book. I slid it in my stack of school books so Daddy wouldn\u2019t find it when he searched my room. When I got home that afternoon Daddy was waiting for me. My heart was jumping but I also felt Jesus\u2019s hand on me telling me He\u2019d show me just what to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon,\u201d Daddy\u2019s eyes looked serious and tired too. That made me feel bad that I\u2019d make him feel all wore out like that. \u201cYour Mama found something in your room yesterday when she was cleaning up after church. I think you know what it was.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded, looking at the floor, listening hard for Jesus.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere did you get it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI found it when I was riding my bike out on 17 last week. It was in a bag someone throwed out that busted open on the side of the road. I saw it and just took it. I knew such a thing shouldn\u2019t be just lying around like that for innocent eyes to see so I took it home to get rid of the sin.\u201d I reckoned that last part made it not a lie.<\/p>\n
\u201cLast week? Why didn\u2019t you bring it to me, son?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was going to bring it to you, Daddy, but I guess I just got so excited about the camp out and busy with school I kept forgetting to bring it to you. I put it on my bed so I wouldn\u2019t forget, but Mama and I was running late Sunday so I forgot to pick it up. I\u2019m sorry Mama had to see that, Daddy, I\u2019m real sorry.\u201d I felt my eyes blister up with tears and let them fall hoping he\u2019d see I felt pitiful over it even though my tears weren\u2019t over anything but getting caught, \u201cI thought I could get rid of the sin without you and Mama ever knowing it was here.\u201d I swiped a hand across my eyes, looking sideways at Daddy right quick who sat there giving me a look I couldn\u2019t figure out.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you was any other boy I\u2019d say you was lying, son. But you\u2019re a Holsmyth, and we don\u2019t ever lie, for we are the mouthpieces of the Lord. Anything like this happens again you come to me immediately, hear?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYessir. I won\u2019t let nothing like this happen again.\u201d I meant it too. I wasn\u2019t going to be so careless in the future about keeping Strawberry hidden.<\/p>\n
At first I wondered about lying so much and to Daddy especially, but then Jesus come in my heart and told me it was alright to lie about this. Jesus told me that the people who figure out this secret are specially chosen by him and there aren\u2019t many of us because most of the world don\u2019t understand it. I was awed by Jesus\u2019 message for me. That he thought I was so special I deserved a special message made me feel important. I knew when I finally got Strawberry I\u2019d tell her about my special message and I\u2019d show her how to get the sin out. I\u2019d thought up lots of ways we could do it together. I knew she\u2019d be real glad. She was alone and scared and just needed a good Christian boy to save her and show her the way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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