{"id":15556,"date":"2019-09-16T05:00:15","date_gmt":"2019-09-16T09:00:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bullmensfiction.com\/?p=15556"},"modified":"2022-08-03T13:13:01","modified_gmt":"2022-08-03T17:13:01","slug":"googly-eyes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/fiction\/googly-eyes\/","title":{"rendered":"Googly Eyes"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was at Bob Evans celebrating the throwing of a blood clot and eating candied bacon. The bacon tasted like bacon always has and I wasn\u2019t celebrating throwing the clot so much as celebrating that it hadn\u2019t gone to my brain or heart. It had only blinded me in one eye. I didn\u2019t really think it was an only<\/em> situation. I wasn\u2019t quite ready to look at it that way. Hell, I was having trouble looking at anything any way and trouble with depth perception and balance and running into every goddamned chair and table leg that ever existed.<\/p>\n

My mom was at the end of the table celebrating being alive long enough to celebrate me not dying and there was my brother who looks like me\u2014at least looking at him out of one good eye and squinting\u2014and his good-looking wife, no squinting necessary to get to that conclusion. Lucky bastard. Table full of lucky bastards. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.<\/p>\n

I kept trying to push the bacon off on everyone else and not saying there wasn\u2019t anything special about it and how let down I was and no one would take any because I was the half-blind man who almost died and had argued against everyone there who said I shouldn\u2019t order it in the first place and then went ahead and did so thinking there was something new on earth that was good and sacred, able to bring me a feeling unlike self-pity. So, I ate the bacon\u2014all six pieces\u2014and eyed the bag sitting in front of my sister-in-law and every time we made two-eye to one-eye contact she looked down at the bag and smiled or blushed. I think there has to be a smile for every blush like you have to close your eye(s) when you sneeze. Physiology makes sense sometimes. Sometimes it fucks you crooked.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had many unexpected hard-ons in in my years on this earth and many of those many have been preceded by blushes. I had to stop looking at her and stop thinking about what she saw in Jeff and stop thinking about my mother sitting there smiling like crazy because of how lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky we all were. I stared at my fried chicken and thought about how guys fuck food sometimes when they\u2019re young and horny and stupid. Watermelons and loaves of par-baked bread and putting their wieners between skin and meat of raw chickens. These thoughts did not make me want to eat that chicken on my plate but I didn\u2019t dare raise my eyes. I knew if I looked up and my sister-in-law blushed again I\u2019d have to walk out of there to keep from challenging my brother to a duel at twelve paces between family sedans and mini vans in the parking lot.<\/p>\n

Instead of looking at Jessi, I turned to Jeff and said, \u201cWhat\u2019s in the bag?\u201d I meant to sound light as water but my words came out darker, polluted.<\/p>\n

He said, \u201cIt\u2019s not from me,\u201d and moved his mouth in a smart-ass manner. Maybe it was my tone. Maybe it was the looks I\u2019d given Jessi. Maybe it was the way he always moved his mouth after saying words to me. Maybe it was just how he looked, period.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Jessi?\u201d Mom said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHold on, Mom. We\u2019re getting there,\u201d Jeff said. His mouth didn\u2019t do that same thing when he was talking to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Jessi said and put a hand on each handle of the bag, \u201cI was going to wait until we were eating dessert but you sort of had dessert, right?\u201d I tilted my head like a dog trying to figure out the weird shit people do. \u201cThe bacon was<\/em> candied,\u201d she said. She laughed and Mom laughed and I laughed and Jeff sipped his water.<\/p>\n

Jessi slid the bag across the table and I picked it up to see how heavy it was and it wasn\u2019t. My hands dove deep inside bright white tissue paper. I pulled from there a small box. It\u2019s wrapping was that of a black background with yellow smiley faces printed across it. Jessi had drawn an eye patch over each right eye and it was funny coming from her when it wouldn\u2019t have been from so many. It made me feel good and whole and I wonder if Jessi was able to read that on me.<\/p>\n

She clapped her hands. \u201cOpen it,\u201d she said. I unwrapped the box and there in front of me sat a 100 count package of googly eyes in various sizes. I turned the box over in my hand and Jeff slapped the table and laughed. \u201cThey\u2019re googly eyes,\u201d he said. His words were neither funny nor did they add to the conversation, but people, other diners, turned their attention our way. Even the ones too caught up in stuffing roast beef into their mouths seemed to perk up a bit and stay like that. Mom said, \u201cI don\u2019t get it,\u201d and there went that feeling, that good feeling of feeling good that only feeling good can give you. Woosh. Right through the window. I stole a glimpse at Jessi and something on fire was coming behind her.<\/p>\n

If Jeff hadn\u2019t told folks it was my birthday damn-near every time we went out to eat growing up, I\u2019d have thought someone got cute with their lighter games in Bob Evans and things had gotten out of hand. But no. There came our waiter in the middle of July when I\u2019m a goddamned Aquarius. Birthday candles aplenty but not adding up to my age. A fireball made of lies. And my blood family did the same thing they did anytime I had a birthday in public that wasn\u2019t real. They joined in with the wait staff, a happy-birthdaying all over me until I was covered in it and blowing out candles. The server got personal and asked what I wished for. I wanted to tell him it was none of his damned business or that wishes don\u2019t come true if you tell them aloud but a man with one eye receiving a stolen birthday cake isn\u2019t quite as bold as he\u2019d hope to be.<\/p>\n

I had a hard time eating any of the cake but my brother and mother did not. I watched them put fork to mouth to cake to mouth over and over again until I was almost sick. \u201cThanks for the cake,\u201d Jeff said. He tipped an imaginary hat at me as his mouth did that thing again. I looked at Jessi as she ate nothing. Her eyes told me she knew that doing as my brother had done was wrong. I could feel it in the air between us, swirling in that smell that candles have when they\u2019re blown out. I love that smell despite everything and I love that Jessi was the one who thought to bring me a present. Hell, it would have been Jessi even if it was Jeff\u2019s name signed to the tag. That is the nature of things. We do not buy presents for one another. We do not do nice deeds. Jeff and I fight and we bicker and we complain and these things had always felt like enough.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bob Evans may not serve alcohol but I had plenty of it at the after party. The after party pretty much consisted of me drinking sake bombs made with Corona and talking to inanimate objects by name. Lamp and Couch and Carpet and Table and that was confusing because there were plenty of tables and so it became Table Enderson and Table Kitcherson and Table Cofferson. The sake and Corona made it an international gathering and I held court from the first stair, at one point thanking all my world-travelling friends for making it. \u201cFrom far and wide,\u201d I called from that step. I spread my arms out to insinuate wideness when I spilled and tried to wipe it up with my socked foot. That was when the stairs fell out from under me and I took a bit of a tumble. I was fine but it was too much work not to sleep there, right where I landed. The next morning, I woke to what would have been knocking and not banging if I were feeling generous. I was not.<\/p>\n

When I realized what was happening, I got up and flung the door open. I had on both slippers but only one sock. My boxers were open for Jesus and everyone to see. \u201cPut some shorts on,\u201d Jeff said.<\/p>\n

Normally, I would have said something clever like, \u201cYou could have led with hello,\u201d or \u201cYou<\/em> put shorts on,\u201d but I didn\u2019t have anything at all. I left the door open and retreated inside. I may not have any clever comebacks but I didn\u2019t have to put on extra clothes to make him comfortable. Not in my house.<\/p>\n

He shut the door and followed me to the living room. Couch made the gasping noise it always makes when I plop down. \u201cI got you this\u2026\u201d he said and then he noticed my project from the night before. \u201cWhat in the hell have you done?\u201d<\/p>\n

I had, in fact, googly-eyed everything I could think to googly eye. And not everything had two eyes. Some of them had only one. Some had many. We were accepting of all kinds from cyclops to octoclops to whatever goes beyond.<\/p>\n

He peeled one of the eyes from the coffee table and looked at it. I wanted to tell him that Table Enderson needed that eye like people need water, like family needs family, but I didn\u2019t say anything. I made eye contact across the room with a cabinet that possessed only one eye.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally,\u201d he said. \u201cThis is treading somewhere.\u201d He gestured like the one that made me spill the night before and I pulled a move I knew would work. I laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got to drinking sake bombs,\u201d I said and let those words sit between us. He carried a look on his face that I could not read. It wasn\u2019t the one he\u2019d shown me the night before. It wasn\u2019t the one that said he was better than me because he went to college and I went to tech school. It was like worry and seeing something approaching that on my brother\u2019s face made me wonder what my life had gone to. If he was worried about me and showing it, how bad was I?<\/p>\n

He laughed a fake one and pulled an eye from the wall. \u201cI guess Jess would be happy. She was big on these. Laughed like wild when she bought the pack. Said you\u2019d get it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did,\u201d I said. I didn\u2019t think he believed me. \u201cI did get it. It was really funny. The eyepatches on the paper too.\u201d I wanted to tell him it really meant something for me to get them from Jessi, that I liked how she treated me, that even if she and I never hardly talked, she made me feel like she wanted me in her life. \u201cWhat\u2019d you bring me?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked at the white-tissue papered object in his hand like it\u2019d just shown up. \u201cYeah,\u201d he said. \u201cI got you something too but it didn\u2019t come in the mail until this morning.\u201d He handed it out to me. I took it and immediately knew there was a book inside.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid Jessi buy this and make you bring it over?\u201d<\/p>\n

There was real hurt in the way his face closed down on itself, in the way his arms snatched each other across his chest. \u201cJust open it,\u201d he said and tissue paper smells like Christmas when it\u2019s torn.<\/p>\n

The book\u2019s cover image stared at me. The red border looked me over, asked me if I was going to open it and turn through its pages. I could not answer right away. I couldn\u2019t even make myself try to focus on what the cover was trying to show me beneath the teal, yellow, and black waves enclosed by that red border. It was too early in that it was before noon on the schedule I\u2019d been keeping. I yawned and my left eye teared up and Jeff and the room blurred together.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a Magic Eye<\/em> book,\u201d he said from the land of water and mixed up colors. I guess my face spoke my thought because he followed up with, \u201cIt says Magic Eye<\/em>, not Magic Eyes.\u201d I sat the book in my lap. I rubbed my eye and I could see Jeff again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know I can\u2019t do this, right? Can\u2019t see these?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cEye,\u201d he said. \u201cSingular.\u201d<\/p>\n

I tossed the book at him and he caught it when it ricocheted off his chest. \u201cClose an eye and try it,\u201d I said. \u201cClose your fucking right eye and try it.\u201d I didn\u2019t want to be angry but his thoughtlessness, his insistence on the word \u201ceye\u201d made me so. I didn\u2019t need him in my house telling me to cover up my dick. I didn\u2019t need him in my house judging how I wanted to decorate it. I didn\u2019t need him telling me I could do something when I damn well knew I couldn\u2019t. But I did need something from him. I needed him to close one eye and try it. \u201cClose an eye,\u201d I said like pleading.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d he said. \u201cFine.\u201d He sat the book down on Table Enderson. \u201cSit in your shit,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cTry it. That\u2019s all I\u2019m asking.\u201d<\/p>\n

But he didn\u2019t try. \u201cCall me when you\u2019re done here,\u201d he said and gestured out to the room. He left. I took an angry nap filled with angry nap dreams. Everything I touched in that world kept turning to fire and there was a tape playing from somewhere with canned laughter on repeat. When I woke, I was sweating and I expected it to be dark but it wasn\u2019t. I sat up and grabbed the book. For a moment I gave Jeff the benefit of the doubt. I opened it to a page near the back.<\/p>\n

I stared at the orange image until it completely blurred. I\u2019d done these before. Before something broke off in my body and in my life.\u00a0 I knew how they went. I knew how they worked. I\u2019d never had to follow the directions, never had to put the book to my face and slowly pull the image into focus as I pushed the book further and further from the tip of my nose. But here I was turning back to the beginning, back by the title page, and reading through the instructions I knew by instinct. Here I was trying to cross a single eye, trying to make what remained into a magic eye. And it wasn\u2019t even my good one.<\/p>\n

I shut the book on my nose. Slammed it. If my fucking eye couldn\u2019t do what I asked of it, I wanted my nose to pay the price. I wanted my sniffer to be locked up inside those pages, taking in every gasp of leftover library clinging like death or blindness to its pages. That shit didn\u2019t feel too good but it felt exactly like what I needed. \u201cMy right eye was my good eye,\u201d I said to no one. I was feeling sorry enough for myself I was contemplating slamming my pecker in the book next. I just needed to hurt. I needed hurt like eyes need pairs to do a Magic Eye. The book stared at me without eyes. I had several dozen eyes left in the box and I took two of the largest googlies from the package and stuck them to the book\u2019s cover. I shook the book and watched them google all over the place. My brother had done what he did for the reason he did it, but Jessi, she knew I\u2019d appreciate her gesture. I kept shaking the book and watching the eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I returned to my job the following week, they put me on \u201cA\u201d side with the large machines. The larger ones have two people running them, checking the resin levels and consistency, the tension on the fibers coming into the machine, making sure the cuts were happening at the right intervals. I\u2019d been working \u201cB\u201d side operating three or four smaller ones at any time for the last two years. The company trained new folks on the large machines before they set the ones who could cut it loose on the smaller ones. That way, with every part magnified, you could learn easier. I guess they thought losing one eye meant I needing more learning, needed magnification.<\/p>\n

At our morning meeting, the production manager made a big show of how much she appreciated me and talked about how they\u2019d missed me and she wasn\u2019t an asshole but I was ready to call her one.\u00a0 I just wanted normal. I wanted to put my earplugs in and work. I wanted to go back to running my<\/em> machines. That\u2019s how I thought of them, as mine. I never enjoyed imaging the night shift touching them and running them hot and not cleaning them regularly like ought to be done. Then, instead of going back to my machines, they assign me to working with another set of hands. I was paired with Landry but everybody called him Laundry. I know what you\u2019re thinking, but he didn\u2019t smell like fresh. He smelled like piss and tobacco and I let him run the machine for a while as I snuck around sticking googly eyes to hardhats and clipboards, cigarette packs, forklift forks, and lunch pails.<\/p>\n

My lunch was a sandwich at the shop around the corner. Buck and Henry insisted on buying it for me and they invited my new partner to come with us. Laundry was twenty-three years old and had two good eyes and kept saying things like, \u201cWhat\u2019s it look like behind the patch?\u201d and \u201cHad you ever imagined this sort of thing happening?\u201d and \u201cHow in the world are you expected to ever do a Magic Eye<\/em> puzzle, again?\u201d He didn\u2019t really ask that last thing but at one point, he picked up a glass pepper shaker and said, \u201cIf I throw this to you, could you even catch it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTry it,\u201d I said and couldn\u2019t help but connecting those words with my brother. He tossed the shaker and I ducked to the side and it went sailing over my shoulder and busted glass all over the floor and the woman behind the counter looked like she was good and finished with mayonnaise and factory workers and cheddar and all the leftover bread she wanted at the end of each shift.<\/p>\n

I had some googly eyes in my pocket so I got out two different sized ones and stuck them to the saltshaker. The lady was an age that she either had kids or probably wasn\u2019t going to. I thought about that and how I didn\u2019t ever see anyone wanting to have kids with me, not because they\u2019d fear them being born with only one good eye\u2014that\u2019s stupid\u2014but because my looks used to be my redeeming quality and how I was, I needed all the redeeming qualities I could gather and there I was losing them.<\/p>\n

She had the broom and dust pan and was stepping around the counter. I met her before she could get over to the mess I\u2019d caused.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me get that,\u201d I said but she told me no, it was her job. \u201cBut it was my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t matter who\u2019s to blame for things,\u201d she said and I told her I\u2019d trade her.<\/p>\n

\u201cTrade me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got this right here,\u201d I said and pulled the saltshaker with the googly eyes from behind my back. I sat it out on my left hand with the eyes facing me and slowly turned it toward her until she was staring down a lopsided pair of googlies. I was smiling with something like glee and she said, \u201cLet me do my job.\u201d<\/p>\n

She walked past me and I watched her and I turned the saltshaker so that the eyes there watched her too. At that point, I had two options. I could follow her back toward the table or I could hide out in the bathroom for long enough she\u2019d be done with cleaning up by the time I got back. I felt bad taking a public saltshaker in the bathroom with me. It wasn\u2019t the most cowardly thing I\u2019d done, nor was there any sort of pride in it, but that\u2019s what I did. When I came out, the woman stood behind the counter again. The guys were getting out from the booth and putting on their jackets.<\/p>\n

I told the woman to have a good day and she asked if I took the saltshaker in the bathroom with me. \u201cI didn\u2019t,\u201d I said but guilt kicked in immediately. \u201cI lied to you just now and I\u2019m sorry about that.\u201d I took the shaker from my pocket and tried to hand it to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cKeep it,\u201d she said. She looked more than a little disgusted.<\/p>\n

I was ready to tell her it could be washed or that if she was absolutely bent on me taking it I\u2019d pay for it but she disappeared behind a door where I could not follow. It was clearly marked \u201cAuthorized Personnel Only\u201d and I was neither authorized nor personnel. I pocketed the saltshaker and was leaving when a shine caught my eye from the floor. She\u2019d missed a shard and I had a mind to pick it up and reduce the danger for children and strangers of all kinds. I bent and reached for it and missed. I reached again and missed. Finally, I stood and left it glaring. Maybe it wouldn\u2019t do any harm. Maybe no one would need salt on their sandwiches, either.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Family dinner hadn\u2019t been a thing since both Jeff and I lived at home and I don\u2019t know how it\u2019s possible for a person to live on this earth for seventy-four years and never pick up how to cook but I know at least one person who found a way. Bob Evans was sitting this one out and I had tried to also but when I pleaded that we didn\u2019t need to do this on my behalf, Mom used those mom skills that included, but were not limited to: guilt, coercion, bribery, and when Jessi called a few minutes after I hung up with Mom, I suspected, but could not prove, collusion.<\/p>\n

The dinner happened at the same kitchen table, was cooked in the same burnt orange ovens of my childhood. There was the same pale pink wallpaper. That same poor meal: beef roast, green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn bread. The same cinnamon disks sat dusty in the corner cabinet. Behind lead-painted cups we drank from as children. Behind warranty information for a blender that hadn\u2019t been produced in decades. Behind folded maps never used on family vacations. Behind two padlocks that had never been used to keep anything safe. I checked for those disks as soon as I walked in every time I went to Mom\u2019s. It was ritual like eating the food you\u2019re served and only complaining about it behind your mother\u2019s back.<\/p>\n

Jeff and I argued over who would set the table and, as I had all those years before, I lost and put out the napkins and silverware. Mom wouldn\u2019t take any help moving food from counter to table, and when we were all seated, she cleared her throat. She looked like she wanted to pray but when she spoke it was not grace that came forth. \u201cJeff wanted to toss the cinnamon candies,\u201d she said, \u201cbefore you got here, but I wouldn\u2019t let him.\u201d She stared at my good eye like she was talking to me but her words, like grace, were meant for all of us. It was a declaration of topic so we\u2019d have something to speak on while food was portioned onto plates.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did not,\u201d Jeff said because Jeff always denies things that are true and Mom winked at Jessi. I was sure collusion was a mom-trick used against me then and Mom\u2019s idea of a conversation starter went lumpy as the gravy and poor woman. I felt so bad for her I smothered every last thing on my plate in gravy and smiled as I took a bite.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s good,\u201d I said and Jeff and Jessi jumped in with their agreement.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s plenty more,\u201d Mom said and laughed. When she laughed until coughing, Jeff lifted her glass of water to her hand. She finally got to where she could take a sip and she thanked Jeff. She let us eat until our plates were almost completely empty. Hers still held most of her food.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know it\u2019s not any good.\u201d She laughed again and I laughed. Jeff smirked and watched us like we were playing at something and Jessi couldn\u2019t stop looking back and forth between me and my mother. I hadn\u2019t a clue what was so funny but laughter\u2019s catching to some folks and I\u2019m one of them.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you little shit,\u201d she said and pointed her finger at Jeff. \u201cYou did too tell me to throw those candies away and you lied about it when there wasn\u2019t any cause to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, that <\/em>was something that struck me as funny for a reason and I laughed and Mom told me to shut up. \u201cJust shut your mouth up. He was lying and I can\u2019t cook and never have been able to and you almost died but you didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t feel much like laughing at that one.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t and you feel sorry for yourself and you\u2019re jealous of Jeff cause you think he has it easy and has Jessi and you want a Jessi for yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jeff pushed his plate away and leaned forward. I was glad when he spoke and I didn\u2019t have to. \u201cWe\u2019re honest people,\u201d he said. He looked at me and I was inclined to agree with him without actually agreeing aloud. I found myself shaking my head. Mom shook hers too but in the negative to my positive.<\/p>\n

\u201cJeff slept at the hospital the first night you were there,\u201d Jessi said. She touched my arm. I fiddled in my pocket with eyes. Jeff didn\u2019t say anything but sat back. \u201cHe asked us not to tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mom was still shaking her head in the negative. Jessi\u2019s hand was still on my arm. It stayed that way until I looked at it. It was my turn to tell on myself or on someone else and I pulled one of the googly eyes out and peeled at the backing, stuck it to the table. The TV in the living room droned about air filtration systems installed by a man named The Prince of Pure.<\/p>\n

I pulled the rest of the googly eyes from my pocket. There were over twenty. I let them fall to the table like sand and at least one ended up in gravy. \u201cHell, damn it,\u201d I said, \u201cThis is my second package of googly eyes since the other night and no matter what anyone says, I\u2019m never going to do a Magic Eye<\/em> puzzle again and I\u2019m in love with Jessi.\u201d I could tell the exact moment they went from looking at me funny about the googly and Magic Eyes to the moment the funny turned a different kind of funny with them processing how I\u2019d used Jessi\u2019s name in that sentence. \u201cNo you don\u2019t,\u201d my mother said but there was too much question in her words to be statement. \u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d Jessi said, hers an imploration. \u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d Jeff said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d I said to myself, inside.<\/p>\n

Mom clicked her tongue against the bridge of her mouth and Jeff\u2019s mouth turned up in a gesture I\u2019d not seen before. I felt like I hadn\u2019t ever seen my brother until the last week. He and I stared at each other and Jessi said, \u201cDon\u2019t you know the line when being honest with family?\u201d My brother pointed at her. \u201cThat,\u201d he said. \u201cThat.\u201d Mom nodded in the affirmative.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, I said. \u201cI don\u2019t love her.\u201d I turned to Jessi. \u201cI don\u2019t,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

I took a bite of mashed potatoes and gravy. I don\u2019t know if I made a face or not. I noticed my brother hadn\u2019t ever put his napkin in his lap. We sat in silence and that was the last bite I took of anything.<\/p>\n

My brother got up from the table and Jessi followed him outside. Mom watched me. I could feel it without looking up. The TV was trying to sell Time Life\u2019s Faith, Home & Country<\/em> and as \u201cHe\u2019s Got the Whole World in His Hands\u201d played, Mom said, \u201cYou\u2019re not that <\/em>dumb. You finally know for certain your brother cares about you\u2026\u201d She paused and I met her eyes one at a time. \u201cWhat were you trying to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

The best I had was, \u201cPeople do shit that doesn\u2019t make any sense.\u201d<\/p>\n

She went back to nodding. I could hear Jessi and Jeff and so I knew they hadn\u2019t left. Mom must have heard them too because she got up and went to the window. She watched them through the window like she\u2019d watched us when we were kids. I\u2019d done a lot of shit to Jeff and he\u2019d done a lot of shit to me but this felt different. Mom hurried back to her seat. A half-second later, Jessi was at the door. \u201cJeff wants to talk to you,\u201d she said. I didn\u2019t get up immediately and she added, \u201cOutside.\u201d I\u2019d let him punch me twice in the face, I\u2019d already decided before I stood. Jessi stayed inside when I went out.<\/p>\n

I knew our mother was at the window without looking. Jeff knew it too because he turned his back to the house and we stood shoulder to shoulder and looked toward the back fence. \u201cAre you really in love with Jessi?\u201d he said. My shoestrings were still bright white after owning the shoes a full year. I didn\u2019t like that and I didn\u2019t want to talk because I\u2019d already said I did <\/em>love her and it didn\u2019t matter if I knew it wasn\u2019t true. I\u2019d already said those words aloud.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe,\u201d I said. \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was hot enough to be sweating, or, rather, I was sweating anyway whether it was or not, and we stood there doing just that. Or at least I did while I was thinking about how I\u2019d let him punch me three times now and thinking I was too damned old to be thinking thoughts like that and knowing it was me acting like a damn child that had brought us to this place.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt won\u2019t do any good to kick your ass,\u201d he said. I thought back to my childhood and how many times I\u2019d have liked to have heard those words and I said that to him too and he smiled despite himself. \u201cYou can\u2019t be in love with my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I said it,\u201d I said. \u201cI don\u2019t know why I said it. I mean, I do know why. She\u2019s beautiful and she\u2019s nicer than you.\u201d I stole a glance and he was looking off to where the blackberry bushes used to be.<\/p>\n

Jeff said, \u201cMaybe you do love her, but it\u2019s not that kind of love.\u201d He didn\u2019t wait for me to agree. \u201cWhen we go back in there, you\u2019ll tell them you do love Jessi. You love her like you should love here. As a sister. You\u2019ll tell them all this losing vision shit has you mixed up. You tell them you\u2019re sorry for confusing everything and everyone. And then you tell them a real truth, something you don\u2019t want to tell them. Something that will make us all forget about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was better than anything I\u2019d come up with and I didn\u2019t much have a choice. He went inside ahead of me. \u201cTell them what you told me,\u201d he said, sitting down. I took my place too and they all watched me and I told Jessi exactly what Jeff had told me to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t mean I love you love you. I just got confused in my words.\u201d My mother\u2019s face bore skepticism. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I confused everything and scared everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

The room was quiet and I knew comforting words were coming from somewhere when the silence broke and if one of those words floated through the air and landed on my skin, I think it would have burned something inside of me in a way I wouldn\u2019t recover from. I couldn\u2019t have that so I looked at the googly stuck to the table and told a truth I never wanted to say in front of my mother. \u201cI was eating that chicken breast the other night at Bob Evans and I couldn\u2019t help but think about how sometimes kids, when their hormones get going and all of that, when they\u2019re young, you know, about how sometimes, they put their penises in food products.\u201d Neither my mother nor Jessi found this the least bit funny, but Jeff broke out laughing like everything in the world had eased and laughter was all that was left anywhere. I could feel the judgment from both sides but I concentrated on being right there present in the moment with Jeff. His laughter caught me and we stayed just like that until three eyes blurred with happy tears and I saw us as children, behaving like the kind brothers we never were.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If Jeff hadn\u2019t told folks it was my birthday damn-near every time we went out to eat growing up, I\u2019d have thought someone got cute with their lighter games in Bob Evans and things had gotten out of hand. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":15604,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[2055,163,1067,2621,263,2056,2057],"class_list":["post-15556","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-bob-evans","tag-brothers","tag-comedy","tag-fiction","tag-humor","tag-screwing-chicken","tag-southeast-missouri","writer-shane-stricker"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15556","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15556"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15556\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15606,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15556\/revisions\/15606"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15604"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15556"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15556"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15556"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}