{"id":14892,"date":"2018-11-08T17:48:38","date_gmt":"2018-11-08T22:48:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bullmensfiction.com\/?p=14892"},"modified":"2022-08-03T13:13:31","modified_gmt":"2022-08-03T17:13:31","slug":"in-the-event-of-my-death-nancy-do-not-read","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/fiction\/in-the-event-of-my-death-nancy-do-not-read\/","title":{"rendered":"In the Event of My Death (Nancy, Do Not Read)"},"content":{"rendered":"<pre>Dear Funeral Director,\r\n\r\nIn the event I die on a bull running trip (possibly July 6th-14th), you could open the funeral by saying something like \u201cwe always said Travis was full of bull.\u201d This way, you could lighten the mood while making an edgy reference to how I died. The bull thing isn\u2019t very likely to happen, though, because Nancy hasn\u2019t found out about the trip yet and she\u2019ll probably shut it down. (Please don't let her see this letter.)\r\n\r\nI have some ideas for other scenarios, too:\r\n\r\nIn the event I die on account of my peanut allergy, you could say \u201cTravis sure was a <em>swell <\/em>guy\u201d (Because peanuts make my throat swell up).\r\n\r\nIf lightning strikes me, say you are feeling \u201cstruck by emotion.\u201d\r\n\r\nIn the event I die anywhere near a whiteboard or chalkboard, say \u201cTravis was a re-markable fellow.\u201d (I got that one off the internet. Would you need to cite that? Don\u2019t use it of so.)\r\n\r\nIf I get eaten by an animal or choke to death on food other than peanuts, you could open with \u201cthank you very <em>munch<\/em> for being here.\u201d I\u2019m not set on that one, though, so say it only if you like it.\r\n\r\nI\u2019ll have a will made up one of these days, but in case I don\u2019t get around to it:\r\n\r\nNancy gets the house and the car and everything else. I\u2019m thinking about buying a Porsche Boxster\/Cayman, and if I do that will go to Wes. Everything else goes to Nancy, though, or if I\u2019m not with Nancy it goes to whoever I\u2019m with. (If you\u2019re reading this, Nancy, I\u2019m sorry for writing that. You know I\u2019d never leave you.)\r\n\r\nIf my boss Mr. Johnson is at the funeral, make sure to say something about my successful app\/robot\/security camera business. (I am planning to quit this Friday, June 7th, so don\u2019t say anything about it if I die before then. It would be best to bring it up if I die a few months <em>after<\/em> this Friday, so I can really get my company going. Only say this if I die after August 7th or so, to be safe. By that point we\u2019ll know what business I decided to start, anyway.)\r\n\r\nIn the event that I die before Hassle and Hoff\u2014I have one request about those funeral pamphlets they pass out to everybody with the dead person\u2019s picture and a bible verse on them. I\u2019d like them to say \u201cAt last he gets some peace and quiet from those damned birds.\u201d (If you think somebody might not know my birds, can you put a picture of them in the pamphlets, too? And make sure to put their names in there so people can see them.) You don\u2019t need to put a bible verse on there.\r\n\r\nYou can put a bible verse in the pamphlet in the event that Nancy murders me. (Don\u2019t put too much weight on this if it doesn\u2019t happen. I don\u2019t think she\u2019d react that way. [Nancy, if you\u2019re reading this, I do\/did\/would not mean to hurt you in any way.]) The bible verse I\u2019d like is Judges 4:21, because it might be ironic and lighten the mood, especially if she killed me in my sleep and\/or with a stake.\r\n\r\nI have an opening line for that, too. You could sort of shrug and say \u201cwell, Travis did marry Nancy for her <em>killer<\/em> body.\u201d\r\n\r\n(Nancy, if you are reading this, please stop.)\r\n\r\nIf Nancy and I aren\u2019t still together when I die, I\u2019d like whatever girl I\u2019m with to wear a black cocktail dress and one of those sexy hats Jackie Kennedy wore. Make sure Nancy gets invited.\r\n\r\nDisregard this if I die of some disease, because I\u2019ll have time to write up something more specific in the hospital. (Wearing a hazmat suit might be funny, like my body is contagious? Might not work if it\u2019s cancer.)\r\n\r\nIn the event of my death by suicide, maybe keep things a bit more respectful.<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If Nancy and I aren\u2019t still together when I die, I\u2019d like whatever girl I\u2019m with to wear a black cocktail dress and one of those sexy hats Jackie Kennedy wore. Make sure Nancy gets invited.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":14925,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[116,171,1776,1772,1773,263,1777,1775,53,1774],"class_list":["post-14892","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-aging","tag-death","tag-disease","tag-epistolary-fiction","tag-funeral","tag-humor","tag-midlife-crisis","tag-puns","tag-suicide","tag-will","writer-mack-eisenmann"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14892","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14892"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14892\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14927,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14892\/revisions\/14927"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14925"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14892"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14892"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14892"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}