For two weeks last fall, my friend Deno and I went into business together as snake removers. The reptiles had been flooded out of their normal recluses in the swamps and woods surrounding Meridian, and they had invaded people\u2019s homes and gardens. Normally, I worked as a landscaper, HVAC repairman, and the odd handy man, working jobs as they appeared. I called myself self-employed. I called myself an entrepreneur. This sounded better, to me, than shit-out-of-luck. I made enough money to pay for the small house I lived in down by the highway. My family stayed in shoes. My wife, Janine, worked as an in-home caretaker and her paycheck was almost twice mine. After our son, Trent, died I stopped working with my hands. I lost a lot of clients. Janine was on the verge of kicking me out, and I hoped that some burst of prosperity could save us.<\/p>\n
I sat at the bar drinking bourbon straight. Deno sat down next to me and rapped me on the back with his knuckles.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou look absolutely blue,\u201d Deno said. Deno had been my next-door neighbor since I was a kid, following me from the small trailer park where we were raised to the tech school two towns over and back to the stretch of dry country road where we lived now. It was like knowing a particularly annoying and determined horsefly.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan we get this man another drink?\u201d Deno asked the bartender. Deno had been kicked out of this bar on more than one occasion, for being belligerent and loud. I didn\u2019t want a repeat of those experiences. I liked being able to enjoy the numbing effects of alcohol away from the mournful, fucked up atmosphere of my house. \u201cAnd the same for me,\u201d Deno said.<\/p>\n
The bartender placed two glasses in front of us. \u201cWatch it,\u201d he said. Deno slid a few wadded up dollars over to the bartender and they eyed each other. The bartender took the money and turned to the cash register. Deno turned to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was hoping I\u2019d find you here,\u201d Deno said. \u201cI\u2019ve had an idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh lord Deno, not another one of your scams,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t a scam, this is legit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLegit like when you sold fake deeds to parcels of land down by the swamp, and told people they were lake front?\u201d I asked. \u201cLegit like when you adopted two hundred parakeets and tried to sell them as some sort of rare, tropical bird at the flea market? Or how about when you tried to open an illegal betting ring on the middle school basketball games?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, okay, I get it,\u201d Deno said. \u201cI\u2019ve had an unlucky streak about me, as of late. But this is real. And legal, if we get all the paper work done.\u201d<\/p>\n
I drank all of my bourbon in three big swallows. It stung my throat and made me cough. \u201cJesus,\u201d I said. \u201cLet\u2019s hear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSnakes,\u201d Deno said.<\/p>\n
\u201cSnakes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can start a snake removal service. They\u2019re all over people\u2019s yards and houses, because of the floods. Newspaper said they don\u2019t know where to go. They\u2019re unused to the weather. We can capitalize on their stupidity.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSnakes are dangerous, Deno. What do you know about working with snakes? And doesn\u2019t the government do that shit for free? Animal control, or something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnimal control is getting like twelve calls a day. They work for the whole freaking county, they don\u2019t have enough time to take care of everything. Between the packs of feral dogs and the snakes in people\u2019s attics, the possums and raccoons in the garages, and the usual work they\u2019ve got, they\u2019re swamped. We can capitalize on the government\u2019s inadequacy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said there was paper work?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, normal, business paperwork. We\u2019ll figure it out. I think it\u2019s pretty simple.\u201d<\/p>\n
Though I didn\u2019t want to admit it, this actually wasn\u2019t such a bad idea. It didn\u2019t seem particularly illegal. It was necessary, and simple enough. \u201cHow will we catch them?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne of those snake hook things.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat will we do with them?\u201d<\/p>\n
Deno leaned closer to me, lowering his voice so that we wouldn\u2019t be overheard.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell that\u2019s the next step. We could kill them. Or we could just let them free near someone else\u2019s house, so that we keep a continuous business.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t you think people will notice, if the same snakes keep appearing over and over?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll snakes look the same, to most people. They don\u2019t wanna get close enough to notice the differences. And besides, we\u2019re a snake removal service, not a snake extermination service. It\u2019s all about vocabulary.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at my empty bourbon glass. I thought about my wife, at home, actually working and lording it over me. How each time she proved she didn\u2019t need me she pushed me further and further away. How many arguments could I stand to lose before she finally sent me packing?<\/p>\n
\u201cGod dammit Deno, I\u2019ll go in with you on this one, but if this somehow goes to shit, you\u2019re taking the fall, not me. It was your idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDeal,\u201d Deno said. \u201cThis is great. We\u2019ll need business cards.\u201d He turned to the bartender. \u201cHey, buddy, how about another round for Clive and me? We\u2019re starting a business together. I think that deserves a celebratory drink, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
The bartender poured our drinks and shot me a look that read, \u201cMan, you\u2019re a real idiot.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few days later, I was drinking a beer in front of the T.V. when Janine came home from work. She looked over at me, surveyed how I was still wearing sweaty pajama pants and the ratty t-shirt I\u2019d worn to bed the night before. Then she sighed, sat down on the couch, and pulled off her shoes. She rubbed her feet like she\u2019d never felt such pain before. We repeated this ritual most every night.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t guess you\u2019ve got plans for dinner,\u201d Janine said.<\/p>\n
I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the television. I knew that if I looked at her, the disgust on her face would make me physically ill.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell luckily, I\u2019ve got some snap beans and pork chop in the fridge. I guess I\u2019ll cook that up. Could you do the dishes? Could you at least do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt my face redden in anger and tears rise into my eyes and I was glad the kids weren\u2019t here to see this exchange. \u201cSure thing,\u201d I said, and I finished the beer, just to piss her off.<\/p>\n
Janine went to the kitchen. I heard her open the fridge and pull the beans out, and then wash them in the sink. I went to the fridge and pulled out another beer. She grabbed it from my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d she said. \u201cNo more, not tonight. We\u2019re not doing this tonight.\u201d She went out the front door to sit on the steps and snap the ends off the string beans, something she liked to do when she was angry. I sat back on the couch empty handed.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d barely shaken the anger off when Deno drove up with a snake hook he\u2019d bought from the Feed \u2018N Seed and a large plastic storage bin. He\u2019d stabbed holes in the lid with a kitchen knife.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you doing here, Deno?\u201d Janine asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit,\u201d I said to myself. I turned off the television and went outside. Deno was standing in our front yard, next to the shriveled Chevrolet Celebrity my son had driven off a bridge three years ago. After the accident, the car was returned to us, as if we could sell it, or drive it, or even fix it, after all that. We weren\u2019t sure what to do with the husk. We kept it as a monument.<\/p>\n
\u201cNice to see you too,\u201d Deno said. He carried the snake hook in one hand and the storage bin in the other. He wore long sleeves and pants, with the ends duck-taped into his boots and a pair of work gloves. He was sweating profusely, and stains had already appeared in his armpits and down his back. \u201cWe got our first call today, Clive,\u201d Deno said. He\u2019d been putting up posters around town\u2014 in the IGA and dollar store, down by the elementary school and the church, in the old diner. Apparently our business was needed, because it took barely twenty-four hours for someone to call.<\/p>\n
\u201cCall for what?\u201d Janine asked. She frowned at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t tell her?\u201d Deno asked. He turned to Janine and smiled. \u201cWe\u2019re going into business together. We\u2019re starting a snake removal service.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI meant to say something,\u201d I said. \u201cIt just happened really fast.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hope you don\u2019t get bit,\u201d Janine said, in a voice that meant, \u201cI really hope you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe better be going, Clive,\u201d Deno said. \u201cWe\u2019re supposed to meet that first customer at noon, and I don\u2019t want to be late. Punctuality is important, when you\u2019re starting your own company. First impressions are important.\u201d<\/p>\n
Janine looked at me with raised eyebrows. \u201cThis should be fun,\u201d she said. \u201cGood luck.\u201d<\/p>\n
I followed Deno to his car, a beat-up pick up truck with about two hundred thousand miles on it. He opened the door for me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ain\u2019t your girlfriend,\u201d I said. Deno laughed, and walked around to the driver\u2019s side door. He threw the storage container and the snake hook in the bed of the truck.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, Clive. Mrs. Montgomery is gonna pay us a hundred bucks to get this black rat snake out of her basement. She says it got in there during the last flood and it can\u2019t figure out how to get out. Should be pretty simple.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThose aren\u2019t poisonous, are they?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cVenomous, the word you\u2019re looking for is venomous.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that, then,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Deno didn\u2019t respond, focusing on road as we swerved past potholes and wrecked asphalt left from the weeks of rain.<\/p>\n
The house was a nice two-story, brick, with a green door and a well-kept lawn. Mrs. Montgomery came to the door as soon as the truck pulled up into the drive.<\/p>\n
\u201cY\u2019all here about the snake?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno said. He went up to shake hands with Mrs. Montgomery. I got the supplies out of the bed and followed him.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh thank god,\u201d she said. \u201cThis has been a nightmare. I thought it had left, after the first couple of days, but I went down there the other afternoon to get the Halloween decorations and there it was, curled up on a box of baby clothes!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll take care of it, don\u2019t you worry. If you could just direct us to the basement?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mrs. Montgomery led us through the house and down the stairs to the small, dank basement. She pulled a string and a bare light bulb lit the room with dingy light. Deno and I glanced around.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t see a snake,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll have to search for it,\u201d Deno said. \u201cBut I\u2019m sure it\u2019ll turn up.\u201d Deno became quite the professional in front of women he wanted to impress.<\/p>\n
He began lifting boxes and moving further into the room. I followed suit.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d Mrs. Montgomery said. \u201cIf you need anything, I\u2019ll be upstairs. Just call and I\u2019ll see what I can do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo problem, ma\u2019am,\u201d I said. Deno turned and watched Mrs. Montgomery\u2019s ass as it headed up the basement steps.<\/p>\n
I pushed aside a box labeled \u201csports\u201d and peered into the darkness. We were looking for a black snake in a shadowy room. \u201cYou didn\u2019t think to bring a flash light?\u201d I asked Deno. He paused with a box in his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, that\u2019s a good point,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ll go ask Mrs. Montgomery if we could borrow one.\u201d He set the box down on a stack and disappeared up the steps before I could tell him to wait a second.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you going to try to fuck all our clients, or just her?\u201d I called up the stairs after him. I don\u2019t think either of them heard me.<\/p>\n
Deno was still gone (this must be one illusive flashlight) when I found the snake. It was stretched out between two boxes, with its head raised slightly. The black ribbon of a tongue flicked in and out between its lips. It was black and oily on top, with a pale belly. It was only as thick as a golf ball, but long\u2014disappearing into the darkness behind all of Mrs. Montgomery\u2019s storage.<\/p>\n
\u201cDeno,\u201d I called. \u201cForget the flashlight, I found it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Deno didn\u2019t appear.<\/p>\n
I stared at the snake. The snake stared at me. Flick, flick.<\/p>\n
I was afraid to move too quickly and startle it, but I was also afraid to move too slowly and let it bite me. I didn\u2019t think black rat snakes were poisonous, but then again, I didn\u2019t want to find out the hard way.<\/p>\n
Deno had left the snake hook leaning against another stack of boxes, and I reached for it in slow motion. The snake didn\u2019t move.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry, snake,\u201d I said. \u201cWe aren\u2019t going to hurt you.\u201d Once I had the hook ready, I slipped it under the snake\u2019s neck and pulled it up, like I\u2019d seen snake hunters do it in the movies. The snake slid out of its hiding spot, wrapping its body around the hook and the end of the pole.<\/p>\n
I realized then that I didn\u2019t have the box ready. I didn\u2019t have anywhere to put the thing.<\/p>\n
The snake curled and coiled its body around the hook.<\/p>\n
\u201cDeno,\u201d I called again. \u201cI could really use your help down here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Deno came barreling down the stairs, swinging the flashlight. \u201cOh shit man, I\u2019m so sorry,\u201d he said. He dropped the flashlight and picked up the bin. When he opened the lid I slid the snake off into the container. It took a couple tries. Once the snake was wrapped around the pole, it really didn\u2019t want to let go.<\/p>\n
We shut the bin and made sure the lid was on good. Then I carried it up the basement steps, to where Mrs. Montgomery sat in the living room, watching a game show.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you find it?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno said. \u201cTurns out we didn\u2019t even need that flashlight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, well, thank the lord. Really, that\u2019s such a relief. My husband was wanting to go down there and look for it himself, but knowing him, he\u2019d get bit. It\u2019s nice to have a professional.\u201d<\/p>\n
Deno and I side-eyed each other at the words “husband” and “professional.”<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want to see it?\u201d Deno asked. Mrs. Montgomery laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd chance that thing getting out of that box? No thank you. You\u2019ve got it in there. We\u2019d best keep it out of the house. I\u2019ll walk y\u2019all to the door.\u201d<\/p>\n
She wrote us a check for one hundred dollars and led us out to the front porch.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust let us know if you need anything else, ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd tell your friends and relatives about our business,\u201d I added. Might as well get some word-of-mouth advertisement in, I thought.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Montgomery laughed. \u201cSure thing,\u201d she said. She waited on the porch while Deno threw the bin in the bed of the truck and backed out of her driveway.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that went really well,\u201d Deno said. I didn\u2019t respond. I didn\u2019t want to jinx the good vibes. We were on to something. For the first time in the past few years, I felt a glimmer of something like satisfaction.<\/p>\n
When Deno dropped me off in front of my house, Janine was inside, cooking up green beans and a fat pork loin. I went inside and wrapped my arms around her waist.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are the kids?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cCareful,\u201d she said. \u201cThis is hot.\u201d She moved to try to get out of my arms but I pulled her closer. I kissed her ears and her neck, where the littlest pale hairs bristled. She laughed. \u201cWhat\u2019s gotten into you?\u201d she asked. It had probably been six months since I\u2019d last touched my wife. After Trent died, we fucked with something more like rage than love. As the years after his death added up, we became distant.<\/p>\n
We made love in the kitchen, with her on the table, her ankles wrapped around my waist. We hadn\u2019t done that since we first moved into this little house, assuming it was a temporary resting place before moving on to grander dreams.<\/p>\n
After two weeks, we had enough snakes to start releasing them again. We decided to release them at night, so that there would be fewer questions. Deno pulled up to my house at around ten o\u2019clock. He beeped the horn lightly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d Janine asked, as I headed out the door. Our youngest daughter was asleep. My eldest, Pete, was off somewhere with his friends. He was seventeen and never around much any more.<\/p>\n
\u201cDeno and I have some stuff to take care of,\u201d I said. \u201cFor the business.\u201d<\/p>\n
Janine probably trusted the snakes in the back of our truck more than she trusted Deno. Ever since he\u2019d gotten us both roped into a scheme involving senior citizens and horse racing, she couldn\u2019t give him the benefit of the doubt. Still, she seemed to like the man I\u2019d become in the past couple weeks. We ate breakfast together, with the kids. She laughed at the jokes on Family Feud, and yesterday we weeded the garden at the back of our house.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll be back in less than an hour,\u201d I said. Janine frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou better be careful,\u201d she said. \u201cI ain\u2019t got the time, or the money, to be bailing you out of jail.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry about it,\u201d I said. I kissed her on the cheek and went out to Deno\u2019s truck.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe old lady give you any trouble?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot much,\u201d I said. \u201cLess than I expected, actually.\u201d Deno nodded and pulled out of the drive. He had a joint between his lips and offered it to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe hell?\u201d I said. \u201cWe aren\u2019t teenagers, Deno. You can\u2019t just drive around town smoking pot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI needed to calm down,\u201d he said. \u201cAll those snakes in the back. They\u2019re freaking me out. And we\u2019re trespassing, technically. Not breaking and entering, but trespassing. It\u2019s dangerous business.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll the more reason you shouldn\u2019t be stoned,\u201d I said. I took the roach from him and threw it out the window. \u201cJesus Christ,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
We approached the first house\u2014the home of an old widow named Henrietta. She threw rocks at trick-or-treaters. Deno and I had decided earlier that we weren\u2019t going to leave any venomous snakes at the houses\u2014we didn\u2019t want anyone to get bit\u2014and most of the ones we caught were just king snakes anyhow.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow are we gonna do this?\u201d I asked Deno. He shrugged. He stared at the windows of the house.<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess we could just get up close to the basement windows and let them go,\u201d I said. \u201cJust sort of point them in the right direction.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSounds like a plan,\u201d Deno said. He didn\u2019t move. I sighed, got out of the truck and put on a pair of thick gloves. I picked up the bin. Deno was still sitting in the driver\u2019s seat, staring at the road in front of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, turn off the headlights,\u201d I said. He did, and everything went dark. There were no streetlights in this part of town. I fumbled with the box of snakes.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit, I can\u2019t see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour eyes will adjust.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d I said. The box was getting heavy.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou go up to the house, and I\u2019ll be getaway driver,\u201d Deno said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you fucking kidding me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just don\u2019t think I can do this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGod damn it, Deno, this is what always happens. You have these great ideas, and then you turn chicken shit at the last minute. I mean, what the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis really isn\u2019t the best time, Clive,\u201d Deno said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what Deno, fuck you,\u201d I said. Then I stalked off into Henrietta\u2019s yard, carrying the box of snakes.<\/p>\n
Despite what Deno said about my eyes adjusting, I still couldn\u2019t see shit as I stumbled through the yard. Henrietta didn\u2019t seem to care about lawn maintenance. Either that, or she kept her grass knee-high and filled with debris to deter potential robbers. I almost tripped once, twice, three times. I felt my ankles roll in the cheap sneakers I was wearing. I felt myself gain thirteen years on my life.<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck you, Deno,\u201d I said to myself. This was the last time we were going into business together. Despite the money, despite the new-found passion in my marriage. I was tired of being used, and left to handle things myself. I was tired of taking shit for Deno, so that he could flirt with married women and smoke cheap weed in his car.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t see what I finally fell over. It might have been a log, or a rock, or a trip wire. All I know is that I was almost to the house when my foot caught and I fell, sprawling out over the grass. I lay there a minute, completing a mental checklist of all my body parts and their relative pain. Then I felt the first cool slither over my back.<\/p>\n
The box had burst open when I fell, and seven or eight snakes were making their way over my back and thighs and neck and arms. You would think that the reptiles would slither away from the bin and me, towards freedom, but it seemed they wanted to exact their revenge first. I held back a scream. No matter how freaky it was\u2014laying in tall grass, covered in snakes that you can\u2019t see\u2014I didn\u2019t want to get caught trespassing, and be shot, or sent to prison.<\/p>\n
I held my breath and waited for the snakes to leave. I didn\u2019t flinch, I didn\u2019t tremble. Any movement, I thought, and those snakes might decide to go on the attack.<\/p>\n
\u201cClive?\u201d Deno called, from the truck. \u201cAre you still out there?\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t move. I couldn\u2019t respond.<\/p>\n
\u201cClive?\u201d Deno asked again.<\/p>\n
A porch light turned on. Well, fuck, I thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s out there?\u201d An old woman\u2019s voice rang out into the night. \u201cI\u2019ve got a rifle,\u201d she added.<\/p>\n
I could only hope the grass hid me from her view. I could only hope her eyesight was bad enough that she wouldn\u2019t see me, or recognize Deno or the truck.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno said. I prayed to God that he wouldn\u2019t say something stupid. \u201cI\u2019m just looking for my lost dog.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want you away from my property,\u201d Henrietta said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno said. He turned to the truck. I thought this might end up all right. Deno could drive down the street, I\u2019d get up when she went back inside, and then meet up with him. This would be okay.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell is that in the yard?\u201d Henrietta asked. I heard the creak of the porch steps and then the swish of the grass as it brushed against her calves.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh my Lord,\u201d she said, gasping. \u201cWhat the hell are you doing in my yard, and covered in snakes like fucking Saint Patrick?\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned my head slightly, and saw a small old woman wearing pajamas with Loony Tunes characters on them, and pointing a rifle at my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve got about three seconds to explain yourself,\u201d Henrietta said. \u201cAnd I will shoot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUm,\u201d I said. I tried to think of a good excuse that could justify middle aged men covered in snakes, Deno\u2019s blurry eyes, and would let us get out of her yard without involving that gun, or the police. I felt the weight of a couple of the snakes lift from my arms as they slithered off into the grass. It felt like being untied.<\/p>\n
There wasn\u2019t one.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno said. \u201cWe\u2019re snake removers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSnake removers?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am. We started working for the Department of Natural Resources. We got a call about an infestation. We figured we should come over as soon as possible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t have a snake infestation,\u201d she said. She\u2019d put the gun down. At this point, most of the snakes had disappeared in the tall grass. I sat up and brushed dirt off my pants.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight, ma\u2019am, one of the neighbors called it in. It started in their yard but some of the rascals got over here. We figured we\u2019d just come grab them,\u201d Deno said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should have called ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe didn\u2019t want to wake you. It was a little last minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
She frowned at Deno, and then turned to me, repositioning the gun. \u201cIs this true?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d I said. I hoped she wasn\u2019t close with her neighbors. I hoped she wasn\u2019t the type of woman to recognize me at the grocery story or on Main Street. She didn\u2019t seem like she got out much.<\/p>\n
\u201cWasn\u2019t your son the one who died in that car crash a couple years back?\u201d Henrietta asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d I said. I looked away.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was a tragedy. Real heart breaking. Come on.\u201d She held out her hand and helped me off the ground. Her grip was surprisingly strong. Once I was standing, she appraised me. \u201cI\u2019m gonna let you know right now, I don\u2019t believe one word about your horseshit story about the DNR. I\u2019ve seen your posters around town and I know you\u2019re out and about movin\u2019 snakes out of people\u2019s houses and I think that\u2019s real good work. I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re doing in my yard tonight.\u201d She paused. Then she sighed. \u201cBut you\u2019ve been through some shit. And you don\u2019t need any more shit. I had boys once. I know what they\u2019re like. If you leave my yard right now, we can pretend none of this ever happened. But if I hear about you sneakin\u2019 around other people\u2019s houses, well, we might have a problem. You understand?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes ma\u2019am,\u201d Deno and I said, simultaneously.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow go on home to your wives and kids. Kiss \u2018em good night and get in bed and quit causing any more trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
Deno and I drove off with Henrietta watching us from the porch, the rifle across her lap and a cigarette between her lips.<\/p>\n
When I got home, Janine was awake, watching late-night television in the living room. She turned off the TV when I stepped through the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re covered in dirt,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need a drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a really long story, Janine, I don\u2019t feel like going into it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I went to the kitchen and pulled a beer from the fridge. I went back into the living room and sat down across from my wife. She turned the television back on. We sat without talking.<\/p>\n
At the commercial break, she said, \u201cSo no more snake business?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt just didn\u2019t go as planned.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes it ever?\u201d she asked. I didn\u2019t respond. Janine had a point. We try to plan for the worst, and the worst always surprises us.<\/p>\n
I went outside and sat on the front steps, looking out toward the street. The Celebrity sat on cinderblocks in the front yard, kudzu and wisteria curling around the fenders, so that it looked like it was being pulled down into the earth. I could hear cicadas screaming and the trembling song of frogs in the undergrowth. In the distance, cars on the highway sounded like a river rushing toward an unseen destination. I wondered, in one hundred years, what would be left. What would keep and what would return to the clay creek beds, the Cypress swamps, the tall and empty pine forests. In the morning I would call a tow truck, and have them take the Celebrity to a junkyard miles out of town. I would drive up to the little state park outside Union and find a sapling of one of those beautiful flowering trees\u2014a magnolia\u2014 and I would plant it in the hole left by our car. I\u2019d water it and keep it safe from cold snaps and in the spring, I would take the blossoms to my wife and let her fill the house with their smell. The tree would still be taking root long after I was gone, growing thicker and greener each year, until one day a driver passing down these forgotten back roads would turn, and see the our tree, the only remnant of the worlds left behind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
For two weeks last fall, my friend Deno and I went into business together as snake removers. The reptiles had been flooded out of their normal recluses in the swamps and woods surrounding Meridian, and they had invaded people\u2019s homes and gardens. Normally, I worked as a landscaper, HVAC repairman, and the odd handy man, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":14742,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[2621,983,1668,1669],"class_list":["post-14667","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-fiction","tag-literature","tag-south","tag-story","writer-julia-hogan"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14667","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14667"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14667\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14744,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14667\/revisions\/14744"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14742"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14667"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14667"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14667"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}