{"id":13702,"date":"2017-06-01T05:00:02","date_gmt":"2017-06-01T12:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bullmensfiction.com\/?p=13702"},"modified":"2022-08-03T13:14:26","modified_gmt":"2022-08-03T17:14:26","slug":"recently-added-in-shit-you-watched-on-moms-cable-when-you-were-depressed-while-between-jobs-and-living-at-home-in-your-early-to-mid-twenties","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/fiction\/recently-added-in-shit-you-watched-on-moms-cable-when-you-were-depressed-while-between-jobs-and-living-at-home-in-your-early-to-mid-twenties\/","title":{"rendered":"RECENTLY ADDED IN SHIT YOU WATCHED ON MOM\u2019S CABLE WHEN YOU WERE DEPRESSED WHILE ‘BETWEEN JOBS’ AND LIVING AT HOME IN YOUR EARLY-TO-MID TWENTIES"},"content":{"rendered":"

Being a thirty-five year-old teenager may or may not be going okay, and all I have to show for it are dead dreams and season one of Full House<\/em> on DVD, but living alone is rad because you\u2019re able to spread depression throughout an entire enclosure without bumming anyone else out, which is super liberating, though I do have a cat, and sometimes I\u2019ll randomly yell or make weird grunting noises just to remind myself that \u201cHey, I\u2019m still alive,\u201d which the cat loves, and my current crush is the Internet tech support woman who made me feel like I mattered for 10-15 minutes, so I now pronounce us husband and Wi-Fi, though telling me I \u201cwon\u2019t be disappointed\u201d is pretty much like calling my initial reaction towards everything a lie, which I find very insulting, so just accept me for who I am, which is a person so far removed from reality that they\u2019re being smothered by their own crippling despair, and let\u2019s be honest, you\u2019re kind of a villainous piece of shit if you smoke cigars, and you\u2019re kind of a villainous piece of shit if you use the word \u201cerudite\u201d in a sentence, especially when it\u2019s used in this sentence, and 2001 is my shit right now, and The Wayans Brothers are my shit right now, and using a phone that doesn\u2019t flip open is basic as fuck, and Funeral Fatties would be a good name for a hook-up site that featured only plus-sized goths, which I\u2019m all about because death is chasing me, and so is the gap between how many people I follow on Twitter to the amount of followers I actually have, so maybe the Twitter Help Center can assist in my debilitating self-loathing, and oh shit I just scrolled past a list entitled \u201c20 Forgotten 80s Stars\u201d that showed a picture of Ralph Macchio and I very urgently whispered to myself, \u201cI\u2019ll never<\/em> forget the Karate Kid, motherfucker,\u201d and you know, it\u2019s kind of a bummer to have never won a martial arts tournament, but Ocean\u2019s Eleven <\/em>is my shit right now, and AOL chat rooms are my shit right now, and you can<\/em> go home again but it\u2019ll most likely be completely fucked, so \u201chome\u201d is basically wherever there are people trying crazy hard to get you to finally leave, because honestly, homeless people and feral animals are the true outsider artists, the real movers and shakers, though non-artists are generally the best kinds of species, and maybe my biggest attribute when it comes to friendship is that I make for a nice, empty garbage can people can scream into, and I\u2019d give you a textbook example but I never bothered reading textbooks so you\u2019ll just have to trust me on this, yet somehow I\u2019m missing the chromosome where being poor and having to work shitty jobs is some passing phase that\u2019s supposed to end in your twenties, so maybe one day I\u2019ll open a My Little Pony-themed pizza parlor called Broneys Calzoneys, or maybe not, because one of the hardest things about starting a business is probably the anxiety of having to remember the names of people you\u2019ve hired while trying to suppress a nagging, destructive urge to just run away and go die somewhere alone, so yeah, I\u2019d give it the old college try, which means I\u2019ll get drunk and overwhelmed and quit really early on, and 9\/11 conspiracy theories are my shit right now, and the first Strokes CD is my shit right now, and I found it oddly funny that while yelling at my cat to stop showing her ass I was reaching into a bag to retrieve a handful of peanut M&Ms, and sure, not many things in life make sense, but unloading obscenities in a parking lot so does, and if you don\u2019t have a cupboard that when opened Little Debbie snacks just fall out and smack against your face then see ya later!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Being a thirty-five year-old teenager may or may not be going okay, and all I have to show for it are dead dreams and season one of Full House on DVD, but living alone is rad because you\u2019re able to spread depression throughout an entire enclosure without bumming anyone else out, which is super liberating, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":13704,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[1263,1260,1256,1262,1259,1258,1261,1257],"class_list":["post-13702","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-aol-chat-rooms","tag-broneys","tag-full-house","tag-little-debbie","tag-my-little-pony","tag-ralph-macchio","tag-strokes","tag-wayans-brothers","writer-brian-alan-ellis"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13702","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13702"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13702\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13707,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13702\/revisions\/13707"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13704"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13702"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13702"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13702"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}