There are Bobs.\u00a0 I am, in fact, surrounded by Bobs.\u00a0 There are so many Bobs I\u2019ve lost track of the Bobs.\u00a0 I no longer use surnames.\u00a0 I use traits.\u00a0 All these Bobs.<\/p>\n
Beer Bob is my go-to Bob, my everyday Bob.\u00a0 He\u2019ll come over and we\u2019ll drink a beer.\u00a0 He\u2019s also Working Bob\u2014meaning really working, not just farting around on the computer doing \u201cconsulting,\u201d or some other glorified horseshit.\u00a0 Most Bobs are involved in horseshit.<\/p>\n
I get along with Beer Bob.\u00a0 We have much in common.\u00a0 Like me, Beer Bob is divorced.\u00a0 Like me, Beer bob tries to muster a sense of humor, even if jaundiced.\u00a0 Like me, Beer Bob has to limp around (he\u2019s got a cane made from the leg bone of an ox).\u00a0 He says the cane is \u201cfortified\u201d to hold up over time.\u00a0 I don\u2019t use a cane, but my gout usually gets me hopping.<\/p>\n
If only all of the Bobs were as easy as Beer Bob.<\/p>\n
Craigslist Bob is an angler.\u00a0 He lives two houses down, which doesn\u2019t make anything easy.\u00a0 CL Bob buys stuff\u2014primarily off Craigslist, though he also scours rummage sales on Saturday mornings.\u00a0 He makes his living re-selling his purchased goods on E-bay.\u00a0 He must be fucking good at it; I can\u2019t fathom how anybody can really survive selling all that old dusty shit.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, Card Shark Bob hates Craigslist Bob because of some real or perceived slight supposedly perpetuated upon Card Shark Bob by Craigslist Bob (Card Shark Bob won\u2019t say).\u00a0 This creates constant tension; Card Shark Bob is a nasty person to offend.\u00a0 That and Card Shark Bob is half the size of Craigslist Bob; they have a gnat-and-bull dynamic at play.<\/p>\n
For some reason, both Craigslist Bob and Card Shark Bob plea their almost-constant wrangles.\u00a0 This would be fine in and of itself, but Card Shark Bob is always awake at some ungodly hour\u2014he usually falls asleep at four thirty and Craigslist Bob pops by my house to offer me the latest what\u2019s what.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t really have a dog in this fight,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
He shrugs and lets loose anyhow.<\/p>\n
Complicating this is Barefoot Bob, who lives in my basement.\u00a0 Barefoot Bob is studentesque though he\u2019s thirty one and he only takes one class a semester.\u00a0 Online.\u00a0 He delivers pizza for Jake\u2019s Pies one night a week and otherwise day trades stocks for a living.\u00a0 Sort of.\u00a0 So he\u2019s padding about barefoot or glued to his computer screen by the non-operating wood stove positioned next to the non-operating exercise equipment\u2014the stationary bike churns only at \u201c10,\u201d which is equivalent to riding up a forty five degree incline.\u00a0 If Marie was still around she\u2019d toss it; I\u2019m nostalgic.<\/p>\n
Barefoot Bob complicates the mix of Bobs because Barefoot Bob is fucking Craigslist Bob\u2019s ex.\u00a0 Craigslist Bob knows, but isn\u2019t supposed to know (Card Shark Bob told him in a demonic act of spite).\u00a0 The good news here is that Craigslist Bob doesn\u2019t care because he\u2019s sworn off \u201cgenital mashing.\u201d\u00a0 For good.\u00a0 He cites religious reasons:\u00a0 \u201c\u201dI\u2019m a man of the Lord,\u201d Craigslist Bob says.\u00a0 \u201cAnd the Lord doesn\u2019t cater to the rough and sordid.\u201d\u00a0 And if he said it, it must be true.\u00a0 Probably is.\u00a0 The tension here is really my own:\u00a0 I know Craigslist Bob knows but isn\u2019t saying\u2014and I\u2019m certainly not (preferring to shy away from conflict or involvement\u2014unlike the other Bobs who like to get their hands into the muck).<\/p>\n
Aside from the seemingly peripheral Bobs in the mix\u2014Bakery Bob, Lunch Bob, Guttersnipe Bob, Taxidermist Bob and Library Card Bob\u2014the last major Bob is Un-rival Bob, my ex-wife\u2019s ex (she remarried), who befriended me in an act of guilt and who likewise cannot find common ground with Beer Bob because\u2014in my view\u2014Un-Rival Bob is jealous of my casual intimacy with Beer Bob.\u00a0 It\u2019s unstated, of course, but the tension is palpable.\u00a0 It buzzes.\u00a0 My invisible conversations go like this:<\/p>\n
\u201cBob.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Frank.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t really like Beer Bob better than you, per se.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that he\u2019s been around longer.\u00a0 He was here, you know, during\u2026when\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just, he\u2019s an older Bob.\u00a0 You\u2019re just as relevant.\u00a0 No \u2018relevant\u2019 isn\u2019t the best word.\u00a0 You\u2019re just as \u2018able\u2019\u2014there\u2019s a better word. \u00a0Forget it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, it\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou feel guilty?\u00a0 I\u2019m the one who should feel guilty.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s fine, Bob.\u00a0 She has problems.\u00a0 She needed something new.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStill does.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYup.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mostly I\u2019m crazy about the Bobs.\u00a0 I revel in my late bachelorhood.\u00a0 I have zero pressure in my life, zero sense of obligation.\u00a0 The Bobs keep me afloat.\u00a0 Without the Bobs, not good.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
What happens:\u00a0 I meet Lunch Bob at the Black Beret\u2014a new overly self-conscious caf\u00e9 Lunch Bob wanted to try.\u00a0 I have a regular Tuesday lunch with Lunch Bob, have since \u201997.\u00a0 Ritual keeps us ticking.\u00a0 This place is new to me:\u00a0 I can tell right away it\u2019s one of these places that doesn\u2019t give you enough to eat.\u00a0 I look at the other tables\u2014they\u2019re nibbling at little hand-sized sandwiches, puny salads, tiny saucer-sized plates of veggies or appetizers.<\/p>\n
Lunch bob is on a diet.<\/p>\n
We look over the menus and start talking.\u00a0 Lunch Bob likes to tell stories about his \u201cwild youth,\u201d which bear no tangible relevance to anything.\u00a0 He collects these stories and needs to tell them to make them real.\u00a0 So he\u2019s telling this one about going dirt-biking with a serial killer\u2014at least he thought the guy was a serial killer.\u00a0 Everybody did.\u00a0 Had the fish eyes and the wacko Manson hair and everything.\u00a0 We get our food and we\u2019re digging in.\u00a0 And here it\u2019s important to include a long-standing tradition:\u00a0 Lunch Bob is the messiest fucking eater I\u2019ve ever seen.\u00a0 At no point in our relationship has Lunch Bob ever walked out of a restaurant, coffee shop or caf\u00e9 with a clean shirt.\u00a0 Usually his pants are soiled.\u00a0 It\u2019s like eating lunch with a three year old.\u00a0 So he\u2019s telling this story and even though the Black Beret serves a chintzy little bowl of soup more of the soup spatters all over Lunch Bob\u2019s shirt than he actually ingests.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t concentrate.<\/p>\n
\u201cBob,\u201d I say, interrupting his maniacal childhood dirt bike tale.\u00a0 \u201cYour shirt.\u201d<\/p>\n
He glances down, looks up at me, shrugs.<\/p>\n
\u201cGot another one in the car.\u00a0 Anyway, as I was saying.\u201d<\/p>\n
The stares.\u00a0 I had to shield my eyes.\u00a0 It looked as though Lunch Bob got in a food fight with me and never got off the ropes.\u00a0 It was a disaster scene.\u00a0 Utter chaos.<\/p>\n
So.\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 Next Tuesday comes around and I call Lunch Bob a few hours prior and cancel.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, man,\u201d I say.\u00a0 \u201cI have this thing today.\u00a0 Not going to make lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat \u2018thing\u2019?\u00a0 You haven\u2019t missed one of our lunches in four years.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, I know.\u00a0 I have this brutal canker sore.\u00a0 I can\u2019t eat.\u00a0 It stings something terrible.\u00a0 It\u2019s like someone is stabbing me in the cheek with the pointy end of a dart.\u201d<\/p>\n
After a back and forth he finally lets me off the hook.\u00a0 Which is perfect because Gary and I want to grab some pizza from that joint in town.\u00a0 Gary is my other roommate, and sometimes he seems about the only guy I know not named Bob.\u00a0 But there I am cheating on Bob with the un-Bob\u2014and nobody could be more Un-Bob than Gary.\u00a0 Unlike the Bobs Gary is 1.\u00a0 Mellow 2. Wise\u00a0 3. Distant from unnecessary conflict.\u00a0 Gary likes to be in the background, a kind of male wallflower.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Gary and I are sliding the two pizzas into the backseat about ready to drive home when Lunch Bob lurches up behind us.\u00a0 And when I say behind us\u2014I mean, he parks his stupid red jeep directly behind my cheap man\u2019s compact.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow\u2019s the canker sore feeling, Frank?\u201d\u00a0 I hear pizza sauce is terrific for canker sores!\u00a0 Tomato sauce is supposed to be a real balm, a cure-all for canker sores!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBob, these pizzas\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHorse.\u00a0 Shit,\u201d Bob says.\u00a0 \u201cJesus, Frank.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan we pull out now?\u201d\u00a0 I say.<\/p>\n
For a minute he just sits there moping\u2014and no, we can\u2019t pull out.<\/p>\n
\u201cBob!\u201d\u00a0 I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cFinally, he peels off into a shady spot under the weeping willow, or something.\u00a0 Gary and I drive home and eat the pizza.\u00a0 Damn good, also.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But I feel guilty.\u00a0 Not only that, by invoking another Bob\u2014I didn\u2019t reveal which other Bob it was\u2014Lunch Bob is insanely envious and reasons I cheated on him with another Bob (Lunch Bob was unaware of Gary).\u00a0 He must\u2019ve thought Gary was also a Bob.\u00a0 So then he doesn\u2019t call and despite my calls, e-mails and apologetic entreaties, Lunch Bob stiffs me.<\/p>\n
Fuck me.<\/p>\n
Finally I get a voice mail from Lunch Bob saying he wants the \u201cother\u201d Bob to come with next time so that he can \u201cmeet the enemy.\u201d\u00a0 In the voice mail, he proclaims my little tete-a-tete with the \u201cother\u201d Bob to be a logy in the face of honor in this world.\u00a0 He says that from now on he insists the \u201cother\u201d Bob come along least I (me) deny myself my true urges, which are not done with him, per se, but rather with an alien Bob who I must find less tiresome, less \u201cintense.\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, as a matter of fact\u2026.<\/p>\n
I call back immediately but only get voice mail.<\/p>\n
\u201cBob, it\u2019s me, Frank.\u00a0 Thanks for your message.\u00a0 I can bring one of my other friends named Bob next week for our little lunch, but the guy I got pizza with last week isn\u2019t named Bob.\u00a0 That\u2019s my roommate Gary.\u00a0 I\u2019ve spoken of him before, I believe.\u00a0 At any rate, that\u2019s just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
I mean.<\/p>\n
These are grown men.<\/p>\n
Well, Lunch Bob goes ballistic.\u00a0 He writes his ranty e-mail which proclaims true friendship a remnant of the past and hopes I can rectify his wounded ego, blah, blah, \u201cIf I have the time.\u201d<\/p>\n
I mistakenly paraphrase all of this to Craigslist Bob and Barefoot Bob one morning at the breakfast bar.\u00a0 We\u2019re eating Pop-Tarts (sans guilt) and drinking coffee with lots of sugar.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere\u2019s what you do,\u201d Craigslist Bob says.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
All of this because Lunch Bob lacks the common sense to eat without dribbling his lunch all over his white and yellow polo shirt at a fey caf\u00e9 which will likely go out of business a month from now.\u00a0 Everyone is so sensitive these days.<\/p>\n
For a few weeks everything calms down.\u00a0 On the surface.\u00a0 I don\u2019t hear from Lunch Bob and he doesn\u2019t hear from me.\u00a0 On Tuesdays I eat pizza with Gary.\u00a0 That\u2019s my replacement routine.\u00a0 Gary is easy to get along with.\u00a0 One or both of us picks up the pizza.\u00a0 We watch bowling or whatever third-tier sport is on ESPN at lunchtime on a Tuesday.\u00a0 It\u2019s easy-peasy.<\/p>\n
Craigslist Bob is not one to fuck around.\u00a0 He drives over to Lunch Bob\u2019s place and tells him to get in the damn car\u2014which he does.\u00a0 Then he whisks Lunch Bob back to my place where Barefoot Bob, Beer Bob, Card Shark Bob and some of the other more peripheral Bobs (and Gary) have gathered upon Craigslist Bob\u2019s request.\u00a0 He gave them the lowdown.\u00a0 Filed them in.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s straighten this shit out,\u201d I can hear Craigslist Bob saying, walking in.<\/p>\n
Lunch Bob has a sheepish smile on his face, as if it was he who wrestled Craigslist Bob here, not the other way around.\u00a0 He half shades his eyes from the small crowd\u2014he seems to know the deal.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m very ritualistic,\u201d he says.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve just, you know, I\u2019ve always liked the comfort they provide.”<\/p>\n
\u201cStop blowing smoke,\u201d Card Shark Bob says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been meeting Frank for lunch for many years now.\u00a0 I probably\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don\u2019t care,\u201d Taxidermist Bob says.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I know.\u00a0 I\u2019ve overreacted.\u00a0 I can do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cForget all that,\u201d Craigslist Bob says.\u00a0 \u201cWhich of these guys was there at the pizza place with Frank?\u201d<\/p>\n
A lineup of agitators.<\/p>\n
Lunch Bob looks everyone over a couple of times and nods Gary\u2019s way.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy name\u2019s Gary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought everyone around here was a damn Bob,\u201d Lunch Bob says.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot Gary,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh shit, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Lunch Bob says.<\/p>\n
\u201cGlass of water?\u201d\u00a0 I ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
He drinks some.\u00a0 A third of it dribbles down his neck onto his shirt.<\/p>\n
\u201cDamn, Bob.\u00a0 Where did you learn how to drink water?\u201d<\/p>\n
One of the Bobs said that.\u00a0 Not sure which one.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I still see the Bobs\u2014can\u2019t avoid them.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve been handing with Gary more recently.\u00a0 Gary has an easy to him which I like.\u00a0 This was one of the problems I had with my ex-wife.\u00a0 She was a good person but she had too much nervous energy.\u00a0 When the chips were down, she\u2019d flip.<\/p>\n
Gary convinces me to make a conscious decision to distance myself from all the chaos.\u00a0 \u201cNo need for any of it,\u201d he says.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re only retired once.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I still meet up with Lunch Bob, but only once a month.\u00a0 He adjusts.\u00a0 I tell Craigslist Bob I\u2019m busy if I don\u2019t feel like talking.\u00a0 I don\u2019t answer every guilt-stricken e-mail from Un-Rival Bob.\u00a0 These days I\u2019m mostly interested in the Un-Bobs.<\/p>\n
I go outside.<\/p>\n
I step away from the computer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“Beer Bob is my go-to Bob, my everyday Bob. He\u2019ll come over and we\u2019ll drink a beer. He\u2019s also Working Bob\u2014meaning really working, not just farting around on the computer<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":11407,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[763,764,263],"class_list":["post-11303","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","tag-competition","tag-friendship","tag-humor","writer-nathan-leslie"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11303","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11303"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11303\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12213,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11303\/revisions\/12213"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11407"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11303"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11303"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrbullbull.com\/newbull\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11303"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}