The Attraction of the Attractive

Good-looking people, standing on the prows of yachts with their full heads of thick, wavy hair blowing in oceanic zephyrs, have a better chance staying with their significant others than unattractive people.

Ugly people, sometimes known as Morlocks, toil away in dark factories deep below the earth’s crust. They live hard lives, their pelts covered in dank moss, their words basic, possibly slurred. Their hopes are simple, their dreams simpler. Most can find joy in a shiny pebble or a poem about geese.

“I married my wife for her personality and her ability to find food in a lightless environment,” said an ugly man who was found trembling in a dark stairwell in Sioux City, Iowa.

But seriously, this study, probably undertaken by shallow researchers, found that people who were considered attractive usually attracted a mate of greater-than or equal-to attractiveness. Men who were slightly less attractive were often able to attract women of greater attractiveness. Women, on the other hand, were less likely to approach or date a man of greater attractiveness. (Remember that beauty, of course, is in the eye of the blah blah blah.)

The study also found that people who deemed themselves less than attractive usually switched what was important to them in a mate. They would often cite sense of humor or kindness as reasons to marry someone. Oh, those poor fools.

This study finds that sense of humor, human decency, heroism, magnanimity and love all pale in comparison to “hotness.” People who find each other attractive are more likely to stick together. That’s it. Attractiveness is a randomly attributed virtue distributed to the virtuous and wicked alike, and it was predestined at birth. TOO BAD!

In the future they may be able to improve marriages by meddling with DNA and eliminating ugliness forever. Until that day comes, however, I’ll have to keep putting loads and loads of product in my hair, continue speaking in a false, vaguely European accent and save up for cosmetic surgery. I plan to have my beady eyes unbeaded and my uni-brow split.


About the Author

<p>"Dr." J.P. HuxtaBULL completed several CPR and sewing courses in the former Soviet Union and has received honorary medical degrees from the University of Okoboji, Empire State University and Hudson College. He currently works as a sports physician for various underground fight clubs and lawn dart leagues.</p>